Angry, Then. DePRessed.

I had another nightmare last night that kept me from sleeping very well, mostly because I was essentially active throughout my entire dream.

Sophie and I were going to a big house. It was in the shape of a circle. And it was beautiful. I was a VERY big house. I walked inside of the house, and this little boy that resembled someone I thought I recognized (Still don't know who it is) approached me. He whispered,
"We have to be quiet, I don't want to wake them up." I assumed he meant his parents, and so I tried to not to speak. I looked back at the little boy, and he wasn't a little boy anymore. He was a grown man, and he was clearly wanting something, that I didn't. I ran. I booked it across the yard as fast as I could. And then I remembered.

Sophie.

I left my little sister there with this guy that was so horny, he would go after her, I freaked out.

I ran inside the house, but she wasn't there. It was just him. He proceeded to make me do things that I really hated. But I remember feeling everything.

I called Sophie, I really didn't know where she was.

When I called her, she said that she had no idea about what I was talking about.



I woke up.

It didn't seem very nightmarish, but as I think about it throughout the day, it resembles my relationships with lots of different people. And the set up for everything genuinely freaked me out.

What the hell is wrong with me?

First. Last. Fail.

I suppose I'm like everyone else,
Writing poetry about my shitty life,
Not really wanting to stick around,
With this deep set pain.

I know I'm not the first,
To drag a box cutter across my arms,
Or thighs and hips,
And pray that I'll cut deep enough this time,
To stop.

I'm not going to be the last,
That goes and fucks around,
Screws around with too many guys,
And feels defeated, destroyed, and hopeless,
When it's all said and done.

But I know,
That there is no one quite like me,
With the inability to cry,
So I let go,
Little................by.....................little.

Grumpy.

Have you ever been grumpy and don't actually have a decent reason as to why?

I don't either. But I'm freaking grumpy. I feel like I could shoot a bird, and feel okay with myself, which if you know me is SO NOT ME!!!!!

The reason as to why I have the grumps today, well, really, I'm just sick of my overly dramatic life. I don't know how to let things go. And today, it's getting to me.

I have a problem I like to call the Middle Child Syndrome. Essentially, all my other siblings take priority over me, and then it's me. Which is total crap, because my mom is amazing at managing all of our stuff. Like how she took me to zumba today.

I also wish I was so much older. I want to be past my high school hell. Sure. High school is fun and all, but I'm so freaking done. This year has definitely had it's shitty moments, but honesty, who gives a damn? Not me.

Religion is another stab at my annoyance. Honestly, I love Wesley to death, he's an awesome friend BUT GET OVER THE FACT THAT I'M CATHOLIC!!!!! I'm not going to read the Book of Mormon. Hell, I'm not even mormon. Why would I need to read it?????? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM!!!! TAKE ME AS I AM!!!!!!

I'm trapped in this person I'M NOT!!!!

Am I ever going to be enough? Do I have to dillude everyone into thinking that i'm this person that I'm not? Honestly, if Nina wasn't my best friend, I'd probably be dead by now.


But ya.

I
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N
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H
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T
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The dark WarpEd asPect of my MiNd.

Alone.

Stupid.

Silence.

Broken.

Pretty much are all words that are very fluent in my vocabulary. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed and face the world at all, just look at my hips if you don't believe me. That's been a big problem lately. I've been too blood happy. I don't know why I still get a high from that, but it's becoming a bad habit. Oh well. FML.

Silence, Pulling at my sanity.

I curl up in a corner,
Trying to escape the dark,
The unspoken words of silence,
Pull at my sanity.

I remember what happened,
Before the silence attacked me,
Back when the voices in my head,
Didn't have an existence.

A quiet sunday evening,
I was sitting in my tub,
Deja vu struck me,
I'd been here before.

The water became mud,
It was too thick to breathe,
My eyes fell from their sockets,
Bloodshot inside my hands.

I watched as my flesh was melting,
Falling off my bones,
The ivory of my fingertips,
I started to shake,

As I shook harder,
I heard too many things,
The crackle of my snapping bones,
The sloshing off the bloody mess,

My face was wet with sweat and gore,
I couldn't make a sound,
My screaming was strangled,
But my mind kept going.

Now I'm in my corner,
Hiding from the dark,
Silence is overbearing,
Pulling at my sanity.

Screaming.

I've been known for my voice, that sometimes can be kind of loud. Too loud on occasions. But I always find it funny how quiet I genuinely am. For as much as I love being in the heart of things, I love sitting in the corner, and watching things happen.

But sometimes I lie.

I'm not as happy as I seem.

I'm continually screaming on the inside of my head. Make it stop! You don't know me! This isn't me! But in reality, no one would be able to handle my real self. I'm to bitter, witty, and sarcastic for my own good.



As I lay down to go to sleep,
Live in my land of dreams,
I'm swallowed,
By the shadows,

They consume me,
Tear me apart,
I scream,
No sound.

They pull,
Push me through hell,
I scream,
No sound.

Save me from this,
I can't do this,
It hurts,
Mommy,
Daddy,
Anyone.

Pinch me.
Wake me up.
My eyes are open,
But it's real.

I scream.
I make no sound.

Kisses.

I've tried to make a promise to myself, to only kiss those that I really have feelings for. Meaning someone that means something to me. And I've kept true to that. Kisses are so special.

So why are they so easy to throw away?