Good Friday

I went to Good Friday mass today for the first time in a few years. It's not a holy day of obligation, however, the mass for Good Friday (which technically isn't a mass) is really powerful. The gospel is the full reading for the passion of the Christ. And every time I participate in Good Friday mass, I get really emotional.

The gospel reading is broken down into a few different speaking parts. The priest generally says what Jesus says in the bible. The lector is usually Pontius Pilate, and the congregation acts as the general people in the bible. So we all read the gospel. We read about how Jesus was condemned to death. How he was beaten, humiliated, and crucified. We read about him asking God a powerful question....

Why have you forsaken me?


Blows me away every single time.


And then there is the beautiful rite of the adoration of the cross. The priest comes in with a crucifix, covered in red silk, and ask he walks, he chants,

"Behold the wood of the cross, which brings salvation."

The congregation responds,

"Come let us adore."

And then the congregation has the opportunity to literally adore the wood of the cross. We kiss the feet of Jesus Christ.


And that's basically what this entire post is about.





When I was going up to the altar, to kiss the feet of my beautiful Savior Jesus, my heart was overwhelmed with love and grief. As I kissed the feet of the Lord, I felt something so powerful inside. I don't know that I could ever put it into words, but I imagine it's just a small reflection of how Jesus must have felt as He was nailed to the cross, and had the weight of the world in His heart. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I walked back to the pew to greet my husband and friends. But I couldn't help but feel so enlightened by God. And I truly believe it is God. I know He knows my heart. And sees my pain. But in that moment to have a small reflection of the suffering of Jesus, I knew with all my heart that God's love for me and for all those that surrounded me was infinite. It was in the very air that we were breathing. And that to me is truly the beauty of the death of Jesus. He died so that we may have life. And so that we were forgiven of ALL of our sins, and that we had a chance at redemption and resurrection.



I love being Catholic. It means the world to me. It's hard sometimes, living in Mormon Valley, especially when I'm bombarded with questions that I don't feel like answering. But living in Utah has given me such a greater sense of why it is so important to me that I am Catholic. I was born into Catholicism, but it has been my choice and my devotion to continue on worshiping God and Jesus the way that I see fit. And no one can take that away from me.



Say the Lord's Prayer tonight... It's such a beautiful prayer.

Our Father,
Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give this our day,
Our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
Ame.

Because Life is so Sweet.

The weight of a suicide always hangs heavily on my mind.
And whenever I hear about a girl that was 16, 17, 18, 19, offing her sweet existence I'm really really disturbed, and cry. I cry a lot.

I've thought about it more today. Someone I knew very briefly is now in heaven.
And I ask, why?

We are all fighting ridiculously hard battles. Some far harder than we could have ever imagined.
Especially as girls. We are manipulated, criticized, and corrected in everything we do.
We can't be too fat.
We can't be too skinny.
We can't be too smart.
We can't be too stupid.
We can't be too ugly.
We can't be too pretty.
We can't be to mean.
We can't be too nice.
We can't fucking breathe.

It's all a fine balance. And as reading through my blog's past, I was an extremely depressed teenager. I am thankful that I sought help when I did. Because I can't honestly say I would have been strong enough to carry the life I live.

And now I do. And life is sweet. And love is beautiful. And I think to myself. Of these pretty girls. These incredibly beautiful girls. That die young. And stay in their youth. And will never know what it's like to be married, or have little babies. And I think that's what makes me cry.

I wish I could be there with every girl considering a dangerous path of death. And drape my arms around her shoulders and love her.

Tell her.

"Life is going to kick you straight in the ass. And when you think you're strong enough to get back up, it'll kick you in the ribs, the teeth, wherever it needs to to keep you down. You have to find a reason to get back up. You are a beautiful person. Things will get better. It may take a really long time. But stick around for your Mommy. Daddy. Auntie. Uncle. Brother. Sister. Cousins. Friends. Me. Stick around for me. Because I love you so much."

And maybe they wouldn't swallow pills. Pull triggers. Slit wrists.



Because life is so sweet.
And I've learned so much about how life can turn around and be sweet as punch in less than a year.



I wish I could have saved you.
Everyone will miss you terribly.
We love you.

Rest in peace, beautiful.
And may you hold Jesus' hand forever.

Faith

WARNING: This has my own personal spiritual beliefs and thoughts. I am not up for criticism. This is how I view my relationship with God, and I am not generalizing everyone's relationship to be this way.
This is also the first spiritual post of it's kind.




Sometimes I wonder why God has dealt me the hand He has.
Why He dealt her cancer that ended her sweet existence,
Why He dealt her the death of her husband,
Why He dealt her loneliness,
Why He dealt him depression,
Why He dealt her cancer that may change the path of her life.

I sit and I wonder why all the wonderful people in this world, have emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological, traumatic, terrible things happening to them, and they are silently strong. Holding on tight.

I ask God. And then He responds saying:

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

We are afflicted in every way possible, but we are never crushed; full of doubts, we never despair. We are persecuted but never abandoned; we are struck down but never destroyed. Continually we carry about in our bodies the dying of Jesus, so that in our bodies the life of Jesus may also be revealed.

How I interpret:

Shit is going to happen to everyone. Every single day of our lives. However, since life is all about perception, we need to see it as God giving us light touches of sympathy towards our Savior, Jesus. However, I have personally had many things in my life happen that help me relate to someone I might not have otherwise, and maybe even helped then seek further guidance than I could ever provide. The ways of God are always a mystery. We do not know how He works. When He works. Why He works. But the point being, He does work, and He shines within us.






Sometimes though, I don't want to know that God works in mysterious ways, and that this challenge will make me stronger. I just want to cry like a baby, and scream why. Why me? Why must this happen to my friends? My love? My family? Me? And I pray. And I ask God.

And then He responds like this:

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be brave and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; He will never fail you or forsake you.


How I interpret:

Kay God. I'm listening. God is with us all. Every single day. Sometimes it's easier for us to disregard His hope and strength and us, and feel sorry for ourselves, and for those around us. The world can be heavy. But we're not alone. God may not be here in the flesh. But He gives us coping mechanisms so we have people to be here with us in the flesh. Friends, family, coworkers, classmates, teachers, strangers, animals. God gives us hope, and without hope, we are nothing.




And then, when we find our way. After we have struggled. And cried. And been angry. And cursed. And didn't want to find a solution. But when we succeeded.

God responds to us like this:

Luke 15:6

Once arrived home, he invites friends and neighbors in and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep!'


How I interpret:

So ya. We're obviously not animals. We aren't fluffy or furry. But we are God's little lambs. I know I have felt like the black sheep of my family from time to time. But. God brings us back to center. He finds us, and helps us find ourselves, and when we have become everything we had dreamed. When that moment comes, and everything feels okay. God rejoices with us. Because He loves us soooo much. And unconditionally.

(I drew this)

(And this)

Dear God.
Help me have strength to deal with the emotions of today. Help me to love all those around me. Thank you for letting me wake up and experience another day today. Please bless Emily and her family with strength, and hope. Please bless Rachel with strength, hope, and peace as she prepares for treatment. Please bless Jasmine and Jenna with strength and happiness. Please bless those about to start school, especially my mom, and all those who dedicate hours to teaching and inspiring. Help me to be nice when I feel grumpy. Please help me to keep strong in good study habits. Please bless all those sick and in the hospital. Please help all those who have lost hope, or feel that they don't have friends.
But God. Thank you for every blessing I have in my life. And please continue to bless me and those around me i the way that you do. I love you so much God. I guess it's only a star in comparison to the milky way in the ways that you love me. But I do.
Amen.