And now we're both married.
Neither of us knowing,
About the other.
And though there's a shadow,
From happy memories we shared,
I can't deny.
No.
I can't deny,
How overwhelmingly happy.
I feel for you.
And for me.
On getting past the craze.
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
25.2.13
15.2.13
Day 7: My Dream Job.
I have several. They are over a period of time, so I will list them as they are most relevant to me.
1. I'm getting ready to complete my training to be a Volunteer in the Mentor-a-Child program at the Children's Justice Center. After I complete 40 training hours, I will be assigned a child, which I spend an hour or so with a week. We can go to the park, the library, go get an ice cream cone, really just have fun together. The entire point of this program is to be a support system for these kids. Be ready to listen to them, but mostly just be their friends. Be someone that they know they can count on.
2. Volunteer at The Center For Women and Children in Crisis by becoming a volunteer of the rape crisis team. Basically, I would be on the other end of the phone when someone calls, and I would give them resources to help themselves heal emotionally, get medical assistance, or how to report it to the police. I'm hoping I can do this over the summer, or at the end of spring.
3. Become a social worker. This is a step in my dream job. After I finish my general education, I hope to apply to Utah Valley University's Bachelor's of Social Work program. It's a 4 year program with 45 hours of required internship hours. Which would help me get to my...
4. Master's of Social Work to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). I want to become a counselor, and work primarily with adolescence. In order for me to complete my education, I hope to attend University of Utah's Master's of Social Work program. It's a 2-3 year program with 4000 required internship hours. That's my dream job. Truthfully. I want to help people more than I can explain. I think I would be a good therapist. I have what I would like to think of as a chameleon soul. I have always had friends from different backgrounds, because I'm good at adapting and understanding people on a personal level. With any luck, I would be done by the time I'm 26, but I don't know what the future will present, so until then, I will keep my fire burning, and try my hardest to accomplish my dreams.
1. I'm getting ready to complete my training to be a Volunteer in the Mentor-a-Child program at the Children's Justice Center. After I complete 40 training hours, I will be assigned a child, which I spend an hour or so with a week. We can go to the park, the library, go get an ice cream cone, really just have fun together. The entire point of this program is to be a support system for these kids. Be ready to listen to them, but mostly just be their friends. Be someone that they know they can count on.
2. Volunteer at The Center For Women and Children in Crisis by becoming a volunteer of the rape crisis team. Basically, I would be on the other end of the phone when someone calls, and I would give them resources to help themselves heal emotionally, get medical assistance, or how to report it to the police. I'm hoping I can do this over the summer, or at the end of spring.
3. Become a social worker. This is a step in my dream job. After I finish my general education, I hope to apply to Utah Valley University's Bachelor's of Social Work program. It's a 4 year program with 45 hours of required internship hours. Which would help me get to my...
4. Master's of Social Work to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). I want to become a counselor, and work primarily with adolescence. In order for me to complete my education, I hope to attend University of Utah's Master's of Social Work program. It's a 2-3 year program with 4000 required internship hours. That's my dream job. Truthfully. I want to help people more than I can explain. I think I would be a good therapist. I have what I would like to think of as a chameleon soul. I have always had friends from different backgrounds, because I'm good at adapting and understanding people on a personal level. With any luck, I would be done by the time I'm 26, but I don't know what the future will present, so until then, I will keep my fire burning, and try my hardest to accomplish my dreams.
10.2.13
Day 1: 20 Things about Alex.
1. My name is Alexandria. My name means protector.
2. I'm an artist. Watercolor being my favorite.
 |
| (This is not my personal artwork)
3. I married the love of my life at 18 years old.
4. I met my best friend when I was 4. She moved across the country when I was 14. We are still best friends after 4 years of long distance best friendship. And we're closer than ever.
5. Sleeping is my favorite.
6. I love animals! I've had pet dogs, frogs, cat, rat, and fish before.
7. I LOVE T-SHIRTS. Especially Tie-dye t-shirts.
8. I have chronically frozen feet. The feet of an 80-year-old man. And I would know because...
9. I'm a CNA. (Certified Nursing Assistant) I work at Trinity Mission Health and Rehabilitation.
10. I can do Glittertoes without all the gel crap. And they last just as long.
11. 11 is my lucky number.
12. I aspire to write a memoir.
13. I have IBS. (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) That means I'm either super constipated for days, or dumping my intestines in the nearest toilet. But it's only bad when I eat super spicy or foods that are too warm.
14. I always wear the bracelet my husband bought me in Morocco, when we very first started dating. I never take it off.
15. I have 2 beautiful sisters, 1 handsome brother, and 1 sister-in-law-to-be. They have all been there for me at my lowest, and celebrate with my at my highest. I am truly blessed. They are the closest things to angels anyone could ask for.
16. I also have kick ass parents. My mom is my best friend. We talk about everything. So is my Daddy. He loves me more than I understand.
17. I love to eat! Eating yummy foods is my favorite. It's safe to say I've become a bit of a foodie.
18. I really enjoy making jewelry.
19. I turn 19 this year on April 19th.
20. I have a passion for life. And it scares the hell outta me sometimes.
|
9.2.13
Pretty Girl
I want to be a pretty girl.
Someone you remember.
My hair shines,
Teeth sparkle,
Never have had a pimple,
Naturally slender.
I want to be a pretty girl.
Never speak,
Unless spoken to,
Clean apartment,
Dishes and laundry,
Finished early.
I want to be a pretty girl.
Make people smile,
People love me,
Simply because,
I have boobs,
And a pretty smile.
I never want to be a pretty girl.
Tie-dye t-shirts,
Messy buns,
Unshaved legs,
Have an old soul,
Dorky laugh.
I want to be a good wife.
I want to be me.
Someone you remember.
My hair shines,
Teeth sparkle,
Never have had a pimple,
Naturally slender.
I want to be a pretty girl.
Never speak,
Unless spoken to,
Clean apartment,
Dishes and laundry,
Finished early.
I want to be a pretty girl.
Make people smile,
People love me,
Simply because,
I have boobs,
And a pretty smile.
I never want to be a pretty girl.
Tie-dye t-shirts,
Messy buns,
Unshaved legs,
Have an old soul,
Dorky laugh.
I want to be a good wife.
I want to be me.
7.2.13
Because Life is so Sweet.
The weight of a suicide always hangs heavily on my mind.
And whenever I hear about a girl that was 16, 17, 18, 19, offing her sweet existence I'm really really disturbed, and cry. I cry a lot.
I've thought about it more today. Someone I knew very briefly is now in heaven.
And I ask, why?
We are all fighting ridiculously hard battles. Some far harder than we could have ever imagined.
Especially as girls. We are manipulated, criticized, and corrected in everything we do.
We can't be too fat.
We can't be too skinny.
We can't be too smart.
We can't be too stupid.
We can't be too ugly.
We can't be too pretty.
We can't be to mean.
We can't be too nice.
We can't fucking breathe.
It's all a fine balance. And as reading through my blog's past, I was an extremely depressed teenager. I am thankful that I sought help when I did. Because I can't honestly say I would have been strong enough to carry the life I live.
And now I do. And life is sweet. And love is beautiful. And I think to myself. Of these pretty girls. These incredibly beautiful girls. That die young. And stay in their youth. And will never know what it's like to be married, or have little babies. And I think that's what makes me cry.
I wish I could be there with every girl considering a dangerous path of death. And drape my arms around her shoulders and love her.
Tell her.
"Life is going to kick you straight in the ass. And when you think you're strong enough to get back up, it'll kick you in the ribs, the teeth, wherever it needs to to keep you down. You have to find a reason to get back up. You are a beautiful person. Things will get better. It may take a really long time. But stick around for your Mommy. Daddy. Auntie. Uncle. Brother. Sister. Cousins. Friends. Me. Stick around for me. Because I love you so much."
And maybe they wouldn't swallow pills. Pull triggers. Slit wrists.
Because life is so sweet.
And I've learned so much about how life can turn around and be sweet as punch in less than a year.
I wish I could have saved you.
Everyone will miss you terribly.
We love you.
Rest in peace, beautiful.
And may you hold Jesus' hand forever.
And whenever I hear about a girl that was 16, 17, 18, 19, offing her sweet existence I'm really really disturbed, and cry. I cry a lot.
I've thought about it more today. Someone I knew very briefly is now in heaven.
And I ask, why?
We are all fighting ridiculously hard battles. Some far harder than we could have ever imagined.
Especially as girls. We are manipulated, criticized, and corrected in everything we do.
We can't be too fat.
We can't be too skinny.
We can't be too smart.
We can't be too stupid.
We can't be too ugly.
We can't be too pretty.
We can't be to mean.
We can't be too nice.
We can't fucking breathe.
It's all a fine balance. And as reading through my blog's past, I was an extremely depressed teenager. I am thankful that I sought help when I did. Because I can't honestly say I would have been strong enough to carry the life I live.
And now I do. And life is sweet. And love is beautiful. And I think to myself. Of these pretty girls. These incredibly beautiful girls. That die young. And stay in their youth. And will never know what it's like to be married, or have little babies. And I think that's what makes me cry.
I wish I could be there with every girl considering a dangerous path of death. And drape my arms around her shoulders and love her.
Tell her.
"Life is going to kick you straight in the ass. And when you think you're strong enough to get back up, it'll kick you in the ribs, the teeth, wherever it needs to to keep you down. You have to find a reason to get back up. You are a beautiful person. Things will get better. It may take a really long time. But stick around for your Mommy. Daddy. Auntie. Uncle. Brother. Sister. Cousins. Friends. Me. Stick around for me. Because I love you so much."
And maybe they wouldn't swallow pills. Pull triggers. Slit wrists.
Because life is so sweet.
And I've learned so much about how life can turn around and be sweet as punch in less than a year.
I wish I could have saved you.
Everyone will miss you terribly.
We love you.
Rest in peace, beautiful.
And may you hold Jesus' hand forever.
4.2.13
Bedroom
Spending the night at my parents makes me miss my old room.
Blue walls.
Messy nightstand.
Twin bed.
Love is powerful.
But so is kind of missing being a place that feels a little more like home.
Blue walls.
Messy nightstand.
Twin bed.
Love is powerful.
But so is kind of missing being a place that feels a little more like home.
3.2.13
My Uterus Is Special.
Things I've learned this week:
1. I have the best, most supportive, loving, brave, sweet husband ever. He watched me suffer all week. And he stayed strong for me. There is nothing he wouldn't do for me. He blows me away.
2. My uterus is unique. After a week of serious pain, we found out what was wrong. I bleed into my tubes, and out around my uterus. It causes severe inflammation, and more pain that you can imagine.
3. I'm allergic to morphine, ultram, and dilaudid. In addition to the percocet, lortab, menocycline, and latex that I already knew about.
4. I have the most amazing husband in the whole world. He would do anything for me. And he loves me more than I can comprehend. And I love him just as much.
5. Post surgery is painful. And that's the fucking truth.
6. My fear of going crazy was made a reality this week. 5 times this week.
7. I have the most loving husband in the universe.
8. We went through hell this week. So the next year should be a piece of cake. If the first year of your marriage is your hardest, here comes eternity, because we went through hell in our first month.
9. Thank God for medical insurance.
10. I have my perfect match. I love you Bubba.
1. I have the best, most supportive, loving, brave, sweet husband ever. He watched me suffer all week. And he stayed strong for me. There is nothing he wouldn't do for me. He blows me away.
2. My uterus is unique. After a week of serious pain, we found out what was wrong. I bleed into my tubes, and out around my uterus. It causes severe inflammation, and more pain that you can imagine.
3. I'm allergic to morphine, ultram, and dilaudid. In addition to the percocet, lortab, menocycline, and latex that I already knew about.
4. I have the most amazing husband in the whole world. He would do anything for me. And he loves me more than I can comprehend. And I love him just as much.
5. Post surgery is painful. And that's the fucking truth.
6. My fear of going crazy was made a reality this week. 5 times this week.
7. I have the most loving husband in the universe.
8. We went through hell this week. So the next year should be a piece of cake. If the first year of your marriage is your hardest, here comes eternity, because we went through hell in our first month.
9. Thank God for medical insurance.
10. I have my perfect match. I love you Bubba.
2.10.12
Reflection
Sometimes. School is hard.
And makes you write.
About stuff you don't want to.
Like violence against women.
And then you wonder.
What the hell is wrong with humanity.
And makes you write.
About stuff you don't want to.
Like violence against women.
And then you wonder.
What the hell is wrong with humanity.
16.8.12
Spiral.
It's probably because I'm blogging late.
So maybe I shouldn't be writing what I'm feeling.
I don't feel worthy of the life I've been enjoying recently. I don't feel worthy of the happiness, the joy, the healthy feelings, the weight gain from enjoying good food, the friends, the love, the family. Why do I get to be in such a stable place in my life?
When is it going to slip out of my fingertips, and I'll end up spiraling out of control?
Why have I, an 18-year-old little girl, found the love of my life, and one of the few respectable men there are out there?
Why do I get to be okay?
i'm not worthy of this love.
But I'll take the ride as long as I can cling to it.
So maybe I shouldn't be writing what I'm feeling.
I don't feel worthy of the life I've been enjoying recently. I don't feel worthy of the happiness, the joy, the healthy feelings, the weight gain from enjoying good food, the friends, the love, the family. Why do I get to be in such a stable place in my life?
When is it going to slip out of my fingertips, and I'll end up spiraling out of control?
Why have I, an 18-year-old little girl, found the love of my life, and one of the few respectable men there are out there?
Why do I get to be okay?
i'm not worthy of this love.
But I'll take the ride as long as I can cling to it.
6.8.12
For Emily.
Look at the stars,
And what will you see?
Do you see a light,
Do you see a light,
Do you see me?
Tears fall around,
Fall down for me,
But I am not there,
For I am in the breeze.
Take a deep breath,
Can you do that for me,
Remember the feel,
Because now I can breathe.
Look at the flowers,
Look at the bees,
Blink away the tears,
And don't think of me.
I'm not there in the flesh,
I'm free like the sea,
I can't feel any pain,
I can truly be me.
I'm home for Eternity,
Safe in the three,
Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
So don't cry for me.
31.7.12
I am sad.
So.
He deleted me.
Why the hell do I still care? We sort of pretended to date for a while, and he broke my heart. And all for what? I was there for him through every crushing blow Depression threw at him. Tried to look past the Ambien texts. Trusted him with my personal details. Kissed him. Held him. Tried to love him. And all for what?
To be deleted.
Feel forgotten.
Have a small corner of my heart.
Cracked.
Does anyone have any sutures?
26.7.12
25.7.12
But...I'm Just a Baby!!
I'm sitting here at UVU, trying to get my financial aid and classes squared away.
Seriously.
I'm sorta freaking out. There is no way I thought I was ever going to make it this far. I always dreamed that I would. And now it's as if life has kind of thrown me a curveball and said "Surprise! Get your ass to college..."
It's not a bad thing. I'm not really worried about my acedemics. (Hahahaha. Whoever knows me is laughing.) Just kidding. That's a legitimate fear. I didn't always strive for excellence in high school, and college is not even close to the same playing field. Maybe I'll just look into being in the food industry forever....Just kidding.
I know generals are there to help you decide what you want your major to be, but I've narrowed it down to 4 categories that I really want to go into....
1. Nurse
4-year degree.
Perhaps advance to a doctorate and become a Nurse Midwife.
2. LCSW
6-year degree.
Open my own office and help teens and children fix themselves.
3. English Education
4-year Degree
Teach at a high school.
4. Graphic Design
Work for companies designing logos.
I'll probably stick with at least one of the first three. I would be really good at any of those. Except I'm a little scatterbrained, so maybe being a teacher wouldn't be the best thing that's ever happened....
Ahh.
Seriously.
I'm sorta freaking out. There is no way I thought I was ever going to make it this far. I always dreamed that I would. And now it's as if life has kind of thrown me a curveball and said "Surprise! Get your ass to college..."
It's not a bad thing. I'm not really worried about my acedemics. (Hahahaha. Whoever knows me is laughing.) Just kidding. That's a legitimate fear. I didn't always strive for excellence in high school, and college is not even close to the same playing field. Maybe I'll just look into being in the food industry forever....Just kidding.
I know generals are there to help you decide what you want your major to be, but I've narrowed it down to 4 categories that I really want to go into....
1. Nurse
4-year degree.
Perhaps advance to a doctorate and become a Nurse Midwife.
2. LCSW
6-year degree.
Open my own office and help teens and children fix themselves.
3. English Education
4-year Degree
Teach at a high school.
4. Graphic Design
Work for companies designing logos.
I'll probably stick with at least one of the first three. I would be really good at any of those. Except I'm a little scatterbrained, so maybe being a teacher wouldn't be the best thing that's ever happened....
Ahh.
20.7.12
18.7.12
1.7.12
Get over that hump.
He may have hurt me.
And left a burning scar.
But he doesn't have to hurt US.
We. Who are different.
Permanently misunderstood by others.
United by originality.
So screw it.
Let's get over that damn hump.
Let's laugh again.
Fart again.
Be goofy.
Cause honestly.
I just kind of miss you.
And left a burning scar.
But he doesn't have to hurt US.
We. Who are different.
Permanently misunderstood by others.
United by originality.
So screw it.
Let's get over that damn hump.
Let's laugh again.
Fart again.
Be goofy.
Cause honestly.
I just kind of miss you.
10.6.12
Sunday Confessions.
I listen to Tool when I'm in a sundress.
I avoid the laundry pile of CLEAN clothes on my bed because I don't want to have to put all my panties away. I'd rather sit staring at them while I blog.
It seriously pisses me off that when someone miscarries it is everyone's immediate response to inform the person that it was God's plan, and that maybe the timing wasn't right. That's bull shit. Seriously. No one in their right mind wants to hear that God took away their baby because the time wasn't right. It's great to know that God is there for you and all that stuff, but honestly, if you haven't ever lost a grandparent, sister, brother, parent, child, pet, a limb, suffered a breakup, if you have been so lucky as to avoid all of this. Don't tell people that it was all part of God's plan. Realistically, shit happens. God doesn't make things happen. Unless they are miracles. God allows things to happen to make us grow. So stop telling people that it was in God's plan to lose their child, mmkay my dear children?
On that note.
Meg. My sweet Meg. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so happy that your husband was so supportive. And please let me know if I can do anything for you.
m2story.blogspot.com
I got stung by a bee while my boyfriend and I were making out last night. If you know anything about me, you know that I am TERRIFIED of bees. So terrified, in fact, that I tell people that I am allergic so that my phobia doesn't seem so outlandish.
I haven't painted my toenails in probably close to a month. Their kind of getting gnarly...
I got a new ring at a yardsale yesterday (: 1$ for sterling silver and Tiger's Eye..
I avoid the laundry pile of CLEAN clothes on my bed because I don't want to have to put all my panties away. I'd rather sit staring at them while I blog.
It seriously pisses me off that when someone miscarries it is everyone's immediate response to inform the person that it was God's plan, and that maybe the timing wasn't right. That's bull shit. Seriously. No one in their right mind wants to hear that God took away their baby because the time wasn't right. It's great to know that God is there for you and all that stuff, but honestly, if you haven't ever lost a grandparent, sister, brother, parent, child, pet, a limb, suffered a breakup, if you have been so lucky as to avoid all of this. Don't tell people that it was all part of God's plan. Realistically, shit happens. God doesn't make things happen. Unless they are miracles. God allows things to happen to make us grow. So stop telling people that it was in God's plan to lose their child, mmkay my dear children?
On that note.
Meg. My sweet Meg. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so happy that your husband was so supportive. And please let me know if I can do anything for you.
m2story.blogspot.com
I got stung by a bee while my boyfriend and I were making out last night. If you know anything about me, you know that I am TERRIFIED of bees. So terrified, in fact, that I tell people that I am allergic so that my phobia doesn't seem so outlandish.
I haven't painted my toenails in probably close to a month. Their kind of getting gnarly...
I got a new ring at a yardsale yesterday (: 1$ for sterling silver and Tiger's Eye..
It's the ring on my pinky
I am grateful for being blissfully in love.
I believe in Jesus.
I know that everything is going to be okay.... (:
9.6.12
If Life Were Like Ben and Jerry's
There would be no hurt,
Just the occasional chunk of pretzels or fudge.
There would be no sadness.
Just upset tummies.
There would be no loss.
Except when your ice cream is gone.
There would be no despair.
Chocolate ice cream would fix it.
There would be joy.
Because bite after creamy bite.
The world would just seem.
Sweet.
Just the occasional chunk of pretzels or fudge.
There would be no sadness.
Just upset tummies.
There would be no loss.
Except when your ice cream is gone.
There would be no despair.
Chocolate ice cream would fix it.
There would be joy.
Because bite after creamy bite.
The world would just seem.
Sweet.
24.5.12
Shut Up Feelings.
I don't care that I have a million NC's.
But I should.
I don't care that I ate freeze dried (Dare I say, yummy) for dinner last night.
But I should.
I don't care that I'm so tired typing feels like death.
But I should.
Hahahaha. Oh my hell! This week has been insane a little bit.
This week alone:
I have finished my CNA....98% on final. BOOYA! (Now for the skills test...)
I created 7 art projects in 12 hours.
I created an online art portfolio.(CHECK IT OUT HERE!)
I got 100% on my art portfolio.
I ended with a B+ in AP art.
I had a life changing talk with ma boyfriend and ma parents.
My daddy had his birthday.
I worked...and I will today, tomorrow, and saturday.
I had a cazookie for the first time.
I saw Saribaby for the first time in months.
Suz and I have been calling each other relentlessly.
I broke my cell phone charger, and have to get a new one.
I climbed my first 10a ever!!
I survived 2 new routes.
I went climbing....that alone is an accomplishment.
I still need to:
Go to ARC
Buy my daddy a birthday gift (Dave got a gift for my dad before I did)
Buy shampoo and conditioner
Find an outfit for graduation
Figure out a good weekend to go to good ol' North Carolina
Find a CNA/PCT/Psych Tech job
Buy bubbles.
This is going to be a good week. I have killer grades this term too! And my mom only had to get mad at me about them once!!! (:
But I should.
I don't care that I ate freeze dried (Dare I say, yummy) for dinner last night.
But I should.
I don't care that I'm so tired typing feels like death.
But I should.
Hahahaha. Oh my hell! This week has been insane a little bit.
This week alone:
I have finished my CNA....98% on final. BOOYA! (Now for the skills test...)I created 7 art projects in 12 hours.
I created an online art portfolio.(CHECK IT OUT HERE!)
I got 100% on my art portfolio.
I ended with a B+ in AP art.
I had a life changing talk with ma boyfriend and ma parents.
My daddy had his birthday.
I worked...and I will today, tomorrow, and saturday.
I had a cazookie for the first time.
I saw Saribaby for the first time in months.
Suz and I have been calling each other relentlessly.
I broke my cell phone charger, and have to get a new one.
I climbed my first 10a ever!!
I survived 2 new routes.
I went climbing....that alone is an accomplishment.
I still need to:
Go to ARC
Buy my daddy a birthday gift (Dave got a gift for my dad before I did)
Buy shampoo and conditioner
Find an outfit for graduation
Figure out a good weekend to go to good ol' North Carolina
Find a CNA/PCT/Psych Tech job
Buy bubbles.
This is going to be a good week. I have killer grades this term too! And my mom only had to get mad at me about them once!!! (:
21.5.12
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