Here's the Deal.

Whether she hates me or not.

I don't give a damn.

Shut Up Feelings.

I don't care that I have a million NC's.
But I should.
I don't care that I ate freeze dried (Dare I say, yummy) for dinner last night.
But I should.
I don't care that I'm so tired typing feels like death.
But I should.

Hahahaha. Oh my hell! This week has been insane a little bit.

This week alone:
I have finished my CNA....98% on final. BOOYA! (Now for the skills test...)
I created 7 art projects in 12 hours.
I created an online art portfolio.(CHECK IT OUT HERE!)
I got 100% on my art portfolio.
I ended with a B+ in AP art.
I had a life changing talk with ma boyfriend and ma parents.
My daddy had his birthday.
I worked...and I will today, tomorrow, and saturday.
I had a cazookie for the first time.
I saw Saribaby for the first time in months.
Suz and I have been calling each other relentlessly.
I broke my cell phone charger, and have to get a new one.
I climbed my first 10a ever!!
I survived 2 new routes.
I went climbing....that alone is an accomplishment.


I still need to:
Go to ARC
Buy my daddy a birthday gift (Dave got a gift for my dad before I did)
Buy shampoo and conditioner
Find an outfit for graduation
Figure out a good weekend to go to good ol' North Carolina
Find a CNA/PCT/Psych Tech job
Buy bubbles.


This is going to be a good week. I have killer grades this term too! And my mom only had to get mad at me about them once!!! (:

A letter from my internal organs.

Hello Asshole.
Remember how you though it was a good idea to drink a rockstar? You have a clinical tomorrow moron. You make me sick...literally. I just want to sleep, but you suck.

Hope you're happy now...idiot.
Your pissed organs.

She is Me.

I was explaining to a friend recently that I miss who I used to be. I used to be really awesome, and never took crap from anyone. I was assertive, and not nearly as passive as I've become. I always talked to everyone, cursed, didn't care about what anyone thought, because I was perfectly content being the individual that I was growing into. But experiences change us. And so they have changed me. I'm still the same person inside. I still listen to Tool on my way to school, say "shit" far more than I should, and never bother to get ready for school. But I can't help but miss who I was. At least slightly.
 I miss the Alex that blasted Avenged Sevenfold loud in her car, and all of neighbors stared and thought to themselves "Why is she like that?"
I miss the Alex that wasn't afraid to create artwork.  She was brave, and didn't get burned out.
I miss the Alex that didn't want to get married. She wanted a career. And to move to Seattle. (But this has drastically changed. I can't wait to get married. I only miss that Alex because she was so ambitious.)
I miss the Alex that wore push up bras.
I miss the Alex that hung out with Tony. (I miss you girl.)
I miss the Alex that saw Suzanna everyday at the mailbox. (But Suzi moved. That's out of our control. But we're still McBesties)
I miss the skinny Alex. (No. I'm not calling myself fat. I'm just saying. I used to be about 10 pounds smaller...cough.)
I miss the Alex with the ugly Baba. 

I don't miss the Alex that didn't have any self esteem.
I don't miss the Alex that struggled to feel happy.
I don't miss the Alex that couldn't sleep at night.
I don't miss the Alex that was plagued with lonliness whenever she was by herself.
I don't miss the Alex that was completely dependent on a boy for happiness. (Now that I'm serious with a wonderful boy, I realize, I don't NEED him to be happy. But I NEED HIM TO SHARE MY HAPPINESS WITH.)
I don't miss the Alex that didn't believe that she was ever worth marrying.
I don't miss the Alex that didn't know how to believe in herself.

So in some ways, I guess you could say, I miss the parts of me that were totally kick ass. Because I feel so soft and boring lately. But maybe that's because I haven't spend very much time with Tony. Or seen David this week for more than a few minutes.

Things are going to get much much better very soon.

Anger Chamber

Sometimes I get grumpy.

Sometimes I get irritated.

But I never get mad.

So why do I feel this way?

White Blank Page.

The fact of the matter is, I can't wait to get married. I realize it's a bit of a distance away, but I'm not like everyone else, thinking about flowers, dresses, and centerpieces. I am excited for BEING married. Snuggling as I fall asleep, waking up groggy only to look over at a groggy husband, watching movies on a Tuesday night, buying groceries, arguing about silly things and making up shortly after. Having someone to hold my hand when I start pinching myself (weird habit of mine...) Someone to kiss my forehead when I bump in on the cabinets, being poor with someone, having to pay bills, everything. I want the experience of have a spouse. Not just the wedding. Because I hope I would marry someone (David) that would love me just as I am with a huge dress and make up, as a T-shirt and greasy hair. (Doesn't happen that often). I hope I would marry someone that would bring home Phish Food ice cream on a shit day, and someone that understands that no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER be a morning individual. I want to be able to burst into tears, because I can't cook things without something going wrong, and someone to cuddle with me as my uterus is torn apart with period pains. My sinuses hurt. My heart hurts. My head hurts. And I need a nap. Or just Dave.