JR. MISS

Well. Heck Week starts now. Jr. Miss has officially started this morning. So excited. (:

Hydrodynamic.

Silverlined clouds,
Hiding behind,
Seasonal change,
Permanent rain,
Drowning submerged,
Serenity's peace,
Falling silent,
Angelic wings.

Best. Fri End.

Have you ever noticed that the word friend ends with END. Is that what all friendships are about? Ending something that starts as if by magic? It's easy to blow someone off. Right? I mean, let's see here:

Single
Loser
Unleal
Tormenting

Yup. I would stay away from that too. Maybe that's why things are different. Quite honestly, things haven't been the same since summer started. I've morphed into someone neither of us know. And she's morphed into someone I wish I was. Interesting how that happens. Blow me off for the boyfriend. Hell. I'd do the same thing if I'm being honest. But I cried about it. Isn't that so lame? I cried about being so butt hurt?

The truth is, I'll always be second best, because that's the kind of person I am. I'm not the kind of person people are dying to be with. I'm intriguing at first, and then when one breaks past the surface. BAM! They've opened up something that can't be resealed. I'm manipulative.

But in all reality.

I just want my best friend back. I've been so lonely, and quite truthfully, no one really cares.




Sometimes it makes it feel like I can't breathe.




Night!

Drama

Girls are so.

Confusing.

Train of Thought

I've been in a foul mood for the last couple of days. It's like a funk that won't leave me. I'm a girl. Right? So I'm going to feel random shit that I don't really understand. But this is way worse than it usually is. It's like my train of thought is always screaming at me.

YOU'RE A WHORE! SLUT! YOU'RE BROKEN!!!!! NO WONDER YOU'RE STILL SINGLE. YOU LET HIM USE YOU. YOU WONDER WHY YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS? HE'S GOING TO LEAVE YOU TOO. WORTHLESS. PIECE OF SHIT.

Obviously. Everyone has these thoughts. Hahahaha. I mean. It's normal. But. Are they right? Yes. They kind of are. I haven't exactly been a saint this summer. Which is whatever.

Maybe that's just it.

Screw all this shit.

Whatever (:

-

Music is amazing. I seriously owe CJ so much. I've been in a foul mood all day. Seriously. I feel like I could bite through steel right now. And maybe even like it. So I bitched to him about it. And seriously, halfway through my complaint about my need for music that fits my mood, he walks away, comes back, opens a cd, and pushes it towards me. So I listen to it. And now. I've isolated myself in my office, I'm eating Zupas, and listening to.......Chiodos. And later I plan on painting something terrifying.

It'd be cool if I wasn't such a loser. Seriously. I might actually have a boyfriend, and a social life. But I work, and paint messed up shit instead. I go to the library, and read and listen to weird music. I have a best friend when I'm with her....and her boyfriend. Third wheel. Yay. I like guys that are way too old for me, not really, but kind of. All I do is hang out at Graywhale and buy more music than I can afford. (That's a lie. I can always afford to buy a CD. Who needs clothes?) Feeling lonely isn't always a bad thing. I never have to argue about what I'm going to be doing. Because it's all me. I have found sense of self in being weird, unique, and kind of a loser.

Who needs friends?

Easy for you

It's easy for you to criticize me. You've found prince charming in high school. I'm not that lucky. I've dated lots of guys, and it all ends the same way. Pain. So why would I want to keep putting myself out there? Why wouldn't I simply want to go on dates, and kiss boys, and feel like someone cares, even if that someone is constantly changing? You give me advice that doesn't apply to you. Just wait. He'll come eventually. You're right. I know that already. But why do I have to wait? And wait for what exactly? Is some magic spell going to make me feel all better? Really? Why don't I just throw myself at every guy? Get a title? Easy is better than empty.

I hate that I can't say anything anymore.

You're right.

Oh yeah. Thanks for reminding me.

Boys are:
Liars.
Cheaters.
Pain.
Annoying.
Assholes.

Men are:
Different....apparently.

Zac...screw you man. Screw you. You have just become a case untouchable. Congratulations.

This is absolutely Amazing. Arclight.

"It'll hurt more when mom's beating me for drawing on the dog."
-Sophie (after drawing a mustache and angry eyebrow with green marker on the dog)

Boiz. Boys. BOYZ!!!!

Ugggh. Frustration. Boys are so simple to figure out.

Eat. Sleep. Sex.

Not quite. I'm a girl, so naturally I overthink EVERYTHING. But I'm getting mixed signals everywhere. Why do guys pretend to be interested, only to leave you broke-hearted, confused, or frustrated? I have three classic examples of guys.

Case #1: The digiflirt: We had a super difficult time talking to each other face to face. So naturally I decided to try to get the ball rolling with this ridiculously attractive guy. I asked him to a dance, we talked lots then, we started to text about stupid things like coloring with chalk. But in person...STILL dead. Then. No more texts. Ever. WTF??

Case #2: The overly confident stud: Met this guy at a party. We were joking around. Pretending to tackle and wrestle each other. Had so much fun. Laughed my guts out. He knew he's good looking, and showed off...a lot. Later that night went over to a friend's house, and we all (at least 20 people) watched a movie. We were ticking each other, and I laid on his lap and his shoulder. We've had playful banter over facebook, but I'm too shy to start anything, but would be worth it.

Case #3: The best friend: We've been friends forever. Seriously. I have videos of us from like ninth grade when we first met. (so maybe only like.....3 years.) He was seriously injured in a powertumbling accident, right about the time I realized I had feelings for him. He's the sweetest guy ever. And knows all my secrets the same way I know his. But there's things that annoy me about him. We're so comfortable around each other, he's not particularly careful about the language he uses around me. Not that I even care that much.

Case Untouchable: The first guy I ever loved for everything he was. Left me for the reason I feared most. Can't help but miss everything about him. His funny laugh that I loved, to his sweet kisses that never pushed me too far. But he's moved on. And so must I. But there's still a sick little hope in the back of my mind that he misses me...

3 (Actually 4) very different situations. But all leaving me with the same impression.



HUH!!???!!??

Does love get any easier?

Redone

I forgot how much I loved my art. And now it's summertime, and I'm working with the medium I've loved the most. I missed acrylic. Sure. They aren't as rich as oils. But who cares? Inspiration yells at me whenever I have a splat of paint on my leg. Next piece I'm trying is watercolor. Then oil. Then charcoal. Then chalk pastel. I'll get to the place I want to be. I owe my dump book so much.

My second painting in there happened by accident. But not really. I'm sick of feeling imperfect. So I stenciled in there.

I AM PERFECT

Everything I do in my life isn't perfect. But I can become Christlike. And that. Is perfect.

Isolation.

It's official. All of my friends have graduated. Am I scared out of my mind? Absolutely. So many of my girls were getting emotional. I was emotional. My beautiful best friend graduated today only to be in a CNA program all summer, then off to college. To bigger and better things. It's scary really. Having everyone all graduated. Am i going to slip back into isolation? Yes.

But the real reason I'm writing all of this.

All of these wonderful people have changed my life, and I'm afraid that this is it.