Vulnerable.

Part of being married is accepting the vulnerability that comes with it. I simply can not hide things from Dave and feel okay with myself. And maybe that's part of the learning curve. But I still feel like I'm leading a secret life half the time. Because what makes me happy is a large part of him, but I'm losing the large part of me that I used to love.

I've been such a bitch to Soph recently. And I don't really know why. She just wants to spend time with me. It's not an inconvenience. She just wants her sister to be her friend. I've been pushing her away from me, and I don't know why. I love Sophie. And I hate myself for hurting her. Because at night I think back to when I was a sad junior in high school. When I had NO friends. I had lots of faces that pretended they cared, but when my shit got real, they all took off. And I was left with my best friend. And that was Sophie. She just wanted to spend time with me today. Yesterday. This week. And I've been pushing her away. Feeding her bullshit about being too busy. Wanna know what's annoying about Sophie? She's right about me a lot, because she knows me so well. And when she is right, I tell her to leave me alone. Why am I like this?

I'm not artistic in the way that I used to be. I think part of that is that I'm happy for the first time in a really long time, and I don't have any negative emotions feeding into my artwork. I'm not painting anymore. My mom says there'll be a time when I will want to again, but right now, it just sounds exhausting. I'm making jewelry a lot. I find a lot of satisfaction in that. Especially when I get it done reasonably quick.

I haven't lost that much of who I am. I still speak my mind a little too often, and make stupid jokes.

I think I just miss my family. And I haven't seen them in a while.