9. My beliefs.

Anyone that knows me, understands that I have a strong sense of a belief system. So I'm going to go through random bits of my life that show my beliefs.

I believe...

-In God, and all the things He does.
-In His son Jesus Christ.
-In the Holy Spirit, and all the guidance It gives me.
-There's heaven
-There's hell
-There's more good in this world than evil
-In saints and angels

-In the power of writing
-That I can write just about anything I want to
-That blogging is healthy
-That art is beautiful
-That my art and music expresses what I can't portray in words
-Poetry is endless
-Music screams what the soul can't speak

-In equal treatment of everyone
-There's a place in Hell for those who deserve it. So forget capital punishment. Solitary confinement is better control
-In human rights
-In gay marriage: Everyone deserves to be loved, and feel loved, and commit to someone forever. Why does a hormonal imbalance change one's ability to make this choice?
-In gay adoption. Studies show children from homes with homosexual parents have the same abilities socially, mentally, physically, and sexually that everyone else does.
-There needs to be a change in our judicial system for survivors of sexual assault. Someone very dear to me was assaulted, and it has taken months for a case to be built.
-There needs to be a change in our judicial system period. I'm sorry, but homicide shouldn't be drawn out.
-In child justice. No child should have to fear the home they live in. Every child should feel the love and support of a safe home. No child should ever be lost in the system.
-In animal justice. Granted animals are not the same as children, there is no excuse ever to harm an innocent animal.

-In marriage. I know someday, it'll be my day.
-In trust. It takes time, but it's worth it.
-In love. Love is what makes everyone so happy. Without love, we're just bodies filled with hormones.
-In friendship. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.
-That kisses in the air, are beautiful.
-That love is the most powerful thing a person can ever experience.
-That I want to have kids someday.
-That I'd be a good wife.

-That my family is everything to me.
-That God chooses our families personally to make us stronger as we get older.


I believe in hope.
I believe in recovery.
But mostly.

I believe in myself.

A m8ment.

I had a couple of moments today. But I'll write about one in particular that's made me happy.

-Hahahha. My family is so great. So my mommy at dinner was trying to decide what this lebanese dish was, so she pulled out the cook book of da family of Lebanon. So Sophie, my mom, and me started to try to pronounce ALL of the dishes. We laughed and over exaggerated the cuuuuh in the back of our throats. Hahahaha. (pssst. Hey Jesse. If we're ever bored, I have fun game for us to play)

That is all. (:

BESTIE DAY!!!! (7)

I feel so blessed to have so many close friends. Due to lack of motivation, I'm only going to write about a couple of them.

I met Sariah in math class towards the end of November. She was cool, and she was very similar to me. We instantly connected. Everyday, we try to go on a new adventure. We made a bucket list of things we need to do together. She's my personal savior, and there isn't a moment where she hasn't made me feel amazing. I love her so much. She drives us everywhere, and we laugh all the time. Her parents are simply amazing. I love papa eddy and mama C. Hahahaa. She supports me in all I do, and she's simply beautiful.

----------------------

Suzanna and I have been friends since we were quite literally babies. We met when we were four, became childhood besties, which evolved into lifelong bestieship. Sometimes, distance kicks me ass hard. Like on days where I really just need her. She lives across the freaking country. So I can call her, but it's not the same as being able to hold her. (She knows what I mean. I'm not lesbian, I just haven't hugged her in like.....almost a year and a half now)

I love her to death. She's simply amazing.

-----------------------------------------------

Jesse. (:
Hasn't quite reached bestie status yet, I'm sorry to say. But I can say he's a very very close friend, and my boyfriend (: He gives me the butterflies everyday of my life, without fail, and makes me smile even more than that. He gives the best hugs in the world, and I can talk with him about anything. (Seriously. I'm pretty sure we have.) His smile is the best. I would know. I've been drawing it. He lets me hit him for every BINGO and slugbug I see. He watches movies with me....a lot. And plays the piano beautifully. His heart is as big as the world, and there's random times where it shows like crazy. Basically, he's become a very dear friend of mine, and even more than that. He's my boyfriend (:


-------------------------------------------------------
PJ.
My brother.
Seriously, he's the coolest guy ever. He deserves nothing but the best. He has a hard time finding girls that can keep up with him intellectually because he's so smurt. He's going to change the world someday. If he hasn't already. But he's really my best friend. Because honestly.

He's just PJ.

-----------------------------------

Sura.
My big sissy is the beauty and talent of the family. Her choreography is going to change the world. She's dating a guy named Kendrick, and together, they have a small family, that consists of them, and their dog Dina. Sara is tall, sexy, and blonde, but her beauty is no where near as amazing as her soul. Her faith in God has inspired me to become a stronger catholic. She can relate to me better than anyone in the whole world. She's funny, hysterical actually, and her legs are so long, it's not even fair.
I love my sister. She's the most amazing person ever. And well. I love her.

-------------------
MY rents. But I already wrote about them. So read my parents post if you really want to know why I love them.

-------------------------------
But really.
My best friend.
In the whole world.
Is my seester.
Sophia.
We're twins separated by 2 years, and she's the sweetest person on the planet. (but she can be feisty. Just like me) We hate each other every other second, but make up, and do everything together. She is the best copilot in the entire world. Seriously. We drive together every day almost, and we just talk. She's starting to get older, and even more gorgeous (which I didn't know was possible) and I'm preparing to load my gun. Boys WILL NOT touch my sister with out my permission. She's the FUNNIEST person I know, and laughs at herself, and everyone else often. Her heart is so big, sometimes she loves those that hurt her. She is a beautiful example of laughter being the best medicine. All my friends love her, and she's excellent at training Mollie (my dog that's IN LOVE with Jesse)

Basically. My sister is totally boss.

My Day. 6.

I woke up late. As usual. Did my make up. Put on my Tool T-shirt, and went to school. I was late to journalism. Where we did a grand total of nothing.

Then I went to Computer tech. We watched a powerpoint and I wrote my paper for english.

Then I had EMS. Something in there upset me, and made me sad for most of lunch.
Then I saw Jesse and got over it. Hahahahaa. okaaaaaaaaay.

Then in english we worked on project me. This chapter was funny. I wrote about how weird of a little kid I was.

Then after school. Jesse took me home (Which is always appreciated. I don't think I said thank you today. Which was rude, and I felt instantly lame) (Thanks jesse!)

Then I watched Tyra, And Parenthood. And now I'm blogging.

And Later, I don't know what I'll do. Sari is at youth conference. Hopefully I do something today. I feel moldy.

Later!

Day 5 Lov5e

I'm not sure to be honest. I have a different definition for each of my stages of life.

I know I love my family. Definition of love for my family: Supportive. There is nothing my family wouldn't do for me. And I can say that honestly. Trust. I trust them each with my life, because if it came down to it, I would give my life for them, and I know they would do the same.

For Love love:
I'm in a different place right now. I don't want to rush into things. I think I'm getting more mature. I've found that with the relationship I'm in, everything has been slow, and steady. But has definitely focused on the happiness of everything. There's too much shit that we can all think about, and if you let it fester in your mind, it will kill all happiness that orbits that relationship. I'm learning how to trust him. It hasn't been easy. He has never given me a reason to not trust him, but I'm just being careful. Trust, but not 100%. I trust him for the most part. I know I can be safe with him, but that doesn't mean I should tempt karma by placing myself in danger. But so far he's pretty great. Haha. We always have lots of fun together. And he's so cuddly. It's my favorite. I've always been a cuddly person, so it works out nicely. And he honestly is the sweetest person in the world. And strong. And funny. I always laugh lots whenever we're together. Happy. That's what he makes me. (: Butterflies. That's what he gives me.
Love you J-dawg.

Poem

I closed my eyes,
And thought of you,
Trying to remember,
What it was like,
When we were small,
And barbies and mudpies,
Created our world.
Spinning Diamond,
Round and round,
Walk in a straight line.
Trip and Fall.
Raiding the fridge.
Stuff your face.
Eat your fruit.
Or laughing cow.
Remember our place?
Remember the mailbox?
Please tell me,
You remember.
It all?
I closed my eyes.
And thought of you.
I miss you.
And that's all there is,
To my heart.

Dream Theater

I HAVE ALL MY MUSIC BACK!!!!!

I missed Dream Theater.
I missed Tool.
I missed Avenged Sevenfold.
I missed Coheed and Cambria.
I missed Alice in Chains.
I missed Mudvayne.
I missed Nirvana.
I missed it all!!!!!!!!

4....AKA. Eats.

I swear the one time I decide to eat like crazy, I have to blog about it. Well. Here goes.

Morning: Gum. Gum. Gum.
Strawberry poptart.
Water.

Lunch:
Rice
A bite of a burrito (It was sooo nasty!)
Bag O' veggies (Minus the carrots of course!)
Cool whip (Not the jello)
Choco milk.

During school:
4 water bottles.

After school "snack":
3 bites of greek yogurt (Looooooooooove!)
2 Bowls of frosted flakes. I swear. I can never eat one.

At the gym:
Water. Water. Water.
Germs (probably)

Dinner:
Noodles (As practice to properly kick Jesse's trash on friday.....Just saying.)
Salad. mmmm.
Milk.
A bite of chicken.
Potato.
Ranch. Yes. It gets it's own category.

And of course.
Donuts. Because Sophie made me eat them.





I'm so fat!!!!

Trip Down Memory Lane.

Brennen and Me.


Last year me. I had long hair then
.
X n' Z



I just looked at almost all of my pictures from last year. And I honestly can't believe how many people have walked out of my life. How much my life has changed. For better, and for worse.

I was definitely more attractive last year, granted I wore much much more make up.

I miss Suz.

I miss Brennen.

But mostly.



I miss the old Alex.

My parentals.

My parents.
Are simply amazing.

My mom:
Is a school teacher.
Dances and sings to her kids.
Loves her kids with all her soul.
Supports me through EVERYTHING.
Would do anything for me.
Hugs and kisses me good night.
Makes me dinner.
Makes me laugh.
Wants the best for me.
Dreams with me.
Has been married for 24 years.
Has a good relationship with her mom.

My dad:
Works with wood.
Is a pilot.
Is wise.
Works harder than anyone I know.
Loves his kids more than can be comprehended.
Has a never quit never fail attitude.
Is the only morning person I know,
Drives me to school everyday.
Is a deep thinker (It's genetic)
Is funny.
Really loves mixing his food together.
Could survive on eggs and toast.
Likes good music (Most of the time)
Taught me to drive
Has random special moments with me.
Builds mantles, but has built a safety harbor in my heart.

My parents:
Are supportive.
Are intelligent.
Would go (and have been) through Hell for me.
Have good relationships with God.
Love everything about each other.
Made me who I am.

I love you Mommy and Daddy.

My Art

Is starting to feel like my own again. Granted I'm working my ass off on this piece. I want it to look like us, and so far, so good. It looks JUST LIKE ME with all the shading thus far. And Jesse blocked out face definitely looks like his. It's taking me a long time, but it's good experience.

Here's to art!!!!

Blog.

Why do I even have a blog? No one even reads it. I have 5 followers, 3 of which are different accounts of mine. Wow Alex. Pathetic much?

In all reality, maybe my writing isn't that great, but it's nice to think that maybe it is.

I miss Suzanna right now. I know. I miss her everyday of my life. But today, I just felt. Lonely. I miss having my best friend just a couple of houses down the street from me. I know we're going to go on in our lives, to bigger, and better things. But for once. Could I just feel whole?

Dia Dos.......

My first love:

My stuffed animal alligator. His name is Ali. He has been mine since I was about 6. I remember the Christmas that I got him. At first, he just slept at the foot of my bed. I had my stuffed animal Kitty, and she kept my nightmares away. (I've had nightmares my entire life.) So one night I lost her, fell asleep, woke up scared after a nightmare, and pulled him to me, and hugged him as tight as I could. I woke up the next morning happy and realizing that this stuffed animal alligator was the best gift I had ever received. I continued to sleep with my arms wrapped around him, as he took the space of half my bed until I turned 15. Then I decided I was too old to sleep with a stuffed animal.

Now....
Whenever I feel scared I pull him into my arms as I fall asleep, and generally place him on top of me. I will always love him.

What does Ali look like?
He's green and about 4 feet long, 1.5 feet wide.
He has plush green skin.
He only has 1 eye.
He wears a pink T shirt my great gramma gave me.
His tail scales are velvet.

I love you Ali.

Day 1.

Today is day 1, and I introduce myself I suppose.

Well.

My name is Alex, and I'm just a girl.
Nothing special.
Nothing unique.
Just a girl.

My faith in Jesus and God is everything to me.
My family is number one.
I'm a sucker for a good chick flick.
And hugs are the best thing in the world.

I have a boyfriend that I'm pretty crazy about.
I have 2 best friends.
1 that lives in North Carolina. (Suz)
And 1 that lives in Lindon (Sariah)

I love music.
Hardcore and Progressive in particular.
But who can forget the oldies?
Led Zeppelin is amazing.
Alice in Chains.
Dream Theater.
Tool. (Not really an oldie, but still amazing)

I love the arts.
Music.
Art.
Drawing.
Painting.
Dance.

I'm in AP art, and I love to draw and paint.
There's a freedom about having the power to control what goes on a paper.

Writing is MY escape.
Poetry.
Short stories.
Papers.
Journal entries.
Blog posts.
I just love to write.


I have many heroes in my life.
Jesus.
My mom.
My sister Sara.
My Gramma.
Natalie Portman.
Helena Bonham Carter.
My great grandpa.
Tyra Banks.


I think eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world.

I am a younger sister.
I am an older sister.


But mostly.

I'm just Alex.

Following the Norm. 30 Days about me.

Day 01 – Introduce yourself with pictures and words

Day 02 – Your first love


Day 03 – Your parents


Day 04 – What you ate today 


Day 05 – Your definition of love


Day 06 – Your day

Day 07 – Your best friend


Day 08 – A moment


Day 09 – Your beliefs

Day 10 – What you wore today 


Day 11 – Your siblings


Day 12 – What’s in your bag


Day 13 – This week

Day 14 – What you wore today

Day 15 – Your dreams

Day 16 – Your first kiss

Day 17 – Your favorite memory


Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

Day 19 – Something you regret


Day 20 – This month


Day 21 – Another moment


Day 22 – Something that upsets you

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better


Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Day 25 – A first

Day 26 – Your fears

Day 27 – Your favorite place


Day 28 – Something that you miss


Day 29 – Your aspirations


Day 30 – One last moment

Friends.

My friends are amazing. That is all I can say.

Enjoyable Arguments.

Best moment of my life.

Cooper is kind of retarded...Hippie. LOL!!!!

- -- - - -- - -- - -- - - - --- - - -- -= - - - - -

Well today went better.
I had a good day. Didn't see Jesse basically at all though.
But we spent lots of time together last night.
But still.
But.
But.
But.

Oh well (:

Rosary Beads

Last night I felt scared, anxious, and sad. I had been in an argument with my parents, which left me uptight. But as I was writing in my journal, all of my anxious feeling manifested, leaving it hard for me to sleep.

I was crying as I had written in my journal, so I decided that I needed to pray for comfort.

I keep my special rosary beads on my nightstand next to me. They aren't any rosary beads, they're the rosewood rosary beads my sister gave me from europe. I feel a strong sense of comfort from them, and I needed them.

So I laid on my side, and and clung to my rosary beads, and prayed. The smell of the beads was so comforting.

I celebrated the Joyful Mysteries as I was praying my rosary beads, and I definitely felt God's comfort as I fell asleep praying my rosary.

Sara,

Thank you for an item of comfort. Whenever I pray with them, I think of you, and feel a special connection with God.

I love you.

Alex.

Question of the Day.

It's been months since I've completed one of these, but I feel like nothing I have to say is worth listening to at the moment.

Question: "A sign of maturity is being able to control your emotions." Explain and tell if you control your emotions. Which emotions sometimes control you?

Hahahaha. Funny. Because again, this is all about feelings.

Well. I think in the last couple of months I've been learning how to control my emotions better. I've always been a very emotionally charged person, and sometimes, that gets the best of me. But I've been working on it lately. Especially because I WANT to be happy. Who doesn't? I control my emotions best when I'm with friends and family. Especially when I'm with my family. I don't need to hide myself from them. It's okay for me to feel sad around them, but it's also okay for me to feel happy as well. But it's about preventing from going from extreme to extreme.

When I'm by myself: I have a very difficult time controlling my emotions. Like I said earlier, I'm a very emotionally charged person, and it's proven difficult in art class, and in my personal life. When I'm depressed, it's the deepest darkest depression, and I don't want to move. When I'm happy, it's hysterics, and I laugh. I had a hysterical moment in orchestra. I had been frustrated earlier that morning, and when I got to orchestra, someone said something, and I began to laugh but couldn't stop. I left class, started bawling, gained control, and went back into class. That was a new all time low for me, and I never want to have that happen again.

Although that's been happening a lot lately, I've been finding it's good for me to get it out. Like Saturday Night. I passed this place that was filled with scary memories, I became overwhelmed, and screamed, and yelled and cried the entire way home. I was driving, so it was even scarier, because I don't want something like emotion be the reason I hurt myself, or someone else while I'm behind 2 tons of metal.

In either case, it's a work in progress, and I'm proud of my accomplishments.

Tingly Lips.

Hahaha. Oh my goodness. My lips won't stop tingling. It was so sweet.

I <3 ? Hahahaha.

Open my eyes to see if this is real. It is.

The moonlight illuminating the scene before me.

Bliss.

An Average Sunday at The Judd's.

I woke up sad this morning. It changed so fast though.

My mother woke me up in song. As she usually does. Most of the words aren't real, but I understand what she means. It's a ballad of her love for me.

After I laid in bed for a couple of minutes, I realized I did in fact have to get up, and get ready for church. So I put on a pretty flowy top, decided a braid was the best way for me to tackle my hair, and did my make up super fast. Then we went to St. John the Baptist parish up in Draper.

There was this amazing priest from Notre Dame, and his homily blew me away. The gospel was about John The Baptist, when he baptized Jesus. How God CHOSE his beloved Son.

His homily was about how God chose each and every one of us to be here, and how we can CHOOSE to hear him, or choose to do bad things that can hurt ourselves.
And it left me thinking.

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me.
I know that Jesus died for us on the cross.
I know that God would never abandon me, even in my darkest times.

But mostly.

I know that my God loves me for who I am. Quirks, moods, trials, successes, failures, triumphs, bad days, good days, and He shows His love for me the most, when I'm not looking for it.
He sends His love to me when I need it the most.

He's shown it to me in everyway possible.
Family, Friends, Relationships, Animals, Books,
And especially my Bible.
I swear, whenever I need a boost, my bible falls to the place that I need it to.

Anyway...

On our way home from church, we stopped by the dollar store, read through about 10000000000 cards, bought 16, then went t Lowe's. We bought new dead bolts for every door in our house, meanwhile Sophie and I sat in a BRIGHT RED bathtub for two, and decided that, that bathtub should go into our bathroom, and we should install a fridge underneath it.

After we got home, I drew for a bit. I forget how much I love to draw, until I start a new project. I'll post my project when I'm done with it, but right now, it's a secret. And the person who it's for will soon know about it's existence.

After I drew, I ate some eggs and pancakes with the small family, because PJ and Sara weren't home yet.

Right after that. I took a nap.
I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'd for about 3 hours. It was so nice.

Sari came over, we talked, we laughed, we chilled. Then I went to my Aunt Chochy's house for birthday. I gave her a photo I had taken of her and the baby for her birthday.

Then when we came home.

I.Laughed.MY.GUTS.OUT!!!!!!

Mollie (my puppy) sleeps in Sophie's room, and as she came upstairs, we were running back and forth in the hall from my parents room, to Sophie's room, as she chased us. Hahahahahaha. I was laughing so hard!!!! My sister, and I were in t-shirts and undies!!!!! And seeing my mom's tiny stick legs run up and down the hall in her skinny jeans was the funniest thing I've ever seen! In my Life!!! (Name that movie!!!)

I love my doggies. They are amazing.

I'm going to leave you all with a quote.


If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. ~Edith Whartonoher

Bye Bloggers!!!

Birthday.

Happy birthday to the best guy in the entire world.

Jesse. You're absolutely amazing. I still don't know what you see in me, but I'm glad you see something. You are the sweetest, smartest, cutest, funniest, hottest, sexiest, amazingest guy in the world, and being with you always makes me happy.

Thank you for always being there, even when I don't have a good reason to be grumpy or sad. Stupid estrogen....

We always have fun. Well, I always have fun when I'm with you. And you make me laugh continually.

You're golden. And I hope you see that.

Happy 18th.

Love you.
Alex.

I'm done.

Just for once.
Surprise me.
Give me a reason.
I'm broken.

Untitled.

Me, Myself, and I,
Were all safe in my head,
When myself,
Felt selfish.
Myself wouldn't stop talking,
So I tried to talk over him.
Before I knew,
What to think,
Myself and I were arguing.
And then me,
Wanted a turn.
Me, Myself, and I,
Were arguing,
Me wanted happiness,
Myself wanted alone time,
I wanted to scream.
Myself packed up,
and went away,
I left far from home,
And when all the voices left,
There was me.

Picking Up When I Dropped the Ball

So I've definitely slacked off this last term. Which sucks. Because. Honestly. I could have straight A's if I wasn't such a lazyass!!!

I have NC's in 3 of my classes because I forgot to get a note when my mom picked me up when I was sick. Goody.

I have a MASSIVE final in healthscience. MASSIVE. Make or break my grade. And I just found out it's not even a science credit, so I HAVE to take physics next year. Great.

I have a math test. I think I know the material, but I said that last time and got a C on the test, so that basically doesn't count for anything. I'm definitely going to ask for help tonight. So Jesse. That means you. Hahahaha.

I have to write my gallery report. That probably is too late to turn in. Great. Go alex. And figure out an art piece I can use as a concentration. I think I have something, but, again, I always say that.

But good news. I FINALLY FINISHED EVERYTHING IN PHOTO!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God he blessed me with extra patience today, because nothing was going my way as far as photo goes. But I figured it out. Thank you. Thank you.

AUDITION FOR LES MES....I'm gonna bomb it. But I'm one of the 3 violins trying out, and I'm the most experienced, so I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.

I'm freezing. Time to put on a comfy hoody....right....NOW!

Well. Time to start my Schtuff.

I just sneezed.

Bye!!!

Wednesday+A day = The longest day of my life.

:SFDSFDSFD

I turned in my art project!!!! WOOOOOOOT!!!! This is my first finished project in history!!!!!!!!! YAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYY!!!!!!

Oh. And Ms. Davis liked it. Loved it. UP YOURS ART!!!!!!

. . .

I say too much on my blog. It really is my complex delirium.

I don't know why I still have this anymore. It used to be enjoyable, and now, it's undermining one of the few things that is making me feel safe and happy. I can't blame it all on having a blog. It would have creeped up eventually.

I was right. I'm too different.

I'm too:
Pyscho
Delirious
Loony
Crazy
Cuckoo
Insane

In reality, I'm too strange. Far too strange. Here's my URL:TRANSLATION: Here's the key to my brain. Enjoy looking around. I trust my bloggers far too much.

So I'm cutting back. I've deleted posts, I'm reconstructing.

I'm never going back.

Letter to My Kidney.

Dear Kidney.

Go to hell. Seriously. You're pretending to hurt, and it's seriously not being appreciated. Thanks for being so retarded. Honestly. It's not like I don't want to not have problems. Whaaaa? Hahahahaa. And all this pointless pain is making me feel slightly sakl;djfsklfdjsl;fdk. Yes. That's a word. In case you were wondering. You're the size of a massive walnut. Kay. Actually it's closer to about an apricot. But basically it's the same size, but you're making school hell today. Mmmkay? You're gonna have to go. You're going to go to the kidney doctor. Okkkay. You don't like that? Okay. I'm cool. I'll just. Sit here? I'm just gonna stand up.

And then you go away. Just as fast as you came. Maybe giving birth isn't as bad as I thought. Maybe it'll last a couple of days, and then BAM. Infant. Actually. Why am I thinking of that?

Okay. You know what. You're right. I'll cooperate.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu.......I want to cry. Waaaaaah.

Okay. Time for this to be done.

Go to hell.
Alex

NiGHtMaRe.

Guess who had a nightmare last night?

Yep. Me.

----------------
Jesse dropped me off from preference, exactly as he really had that night. Then I went to sleep (This is all in my dream) Then I wake up the next morning, go to school, and Sariah comes up to me.
"Alex. Did you hear Jesse died."
I get angry and scared and say.
"No. He's not I saw him last night."
"Alex. He died last night."
"NO. He didn't. I kissed him last night."
"After he dropped you off. He dropped dead."
"No. He didn't. I shut the garage."
"Alex. Jesse. Died."

I drove home as fast as I could, to see his body, in my driveway. I run to him, but my dad caught me midstride and dragged me inside by my pelvis. I was screaming NO NO NO, and went to go lay down. And fell asleep.

---------------------------------------------------------
Then I woke up in real life confused, panting, shaking, and crying. I grabbed my phone, and texted Jesse: You didn't die last night, right?


I honestly thought it was real. Then after five minutes if feeling intensive terror and worry, I prayed my rosary(The one you got me sara,) and fell asleep.


Hahaha. He texted me in the morning. So good news. He's alive and well.

------------------------------------------
And speaking of Jesse.

He's quite possibly the sweetest guy ever. And I mean ever.
He brought me roses, and chocolate because he forgot a corsage yesterday.
A) As if I care about a corsage!!! It's a flower on your wrist....DREAM BIG!
B) That was so thoughtful, that it honestly kind of caught me off guard.
C) My lame little kiss and hug, TOTALLY did not suffice.
D) Basically. I love him. A lot. Hahaha.



Speaking of yesterday.
Preference was simply AMAZING! I've never had so much fun at a dance. And slow dancing with my boyfriend wasn't bad either. Just kidding.

It was amazing. Hahahha. LURPY LOVE!!!! Ginger and weirdo....how cute!! GINGERS HAVE NO SOULS!!!!!

Details on preference will come with pictures which will happen in the near future.

Hopefully my kidney will feel better. I'll say an extra rosary bead tonight....if that makes a difference. Maybe I should say a section.

My artwork is coming along. Pictures to come i hope.

Okay. Goodnight!

And here's to.

Here's to getting the butterflies everytime he looks at me.

Here to a tummy flip everytime he kisses me.

Here's to loss of breath, when his arm's around me.

Here's to knowing I can cry in his arms, and know that he'll just hold me.

Here's to falling asleep in his arms, whenever we watch movies.

Here's to the blissful happiness I feel inside everytime he's near me.

Here's to feeling embarrassed, whenever I talk, because I can't stop talking.

Here's to feeling safe when I'm scared, knowing he'll protect me.

Here's to honesty and integrity, and respect, because he's taking care of me.

Here's to weekend nights whatever it is they bring.

But here's to you, my love, the one who really matters.

Love Poem.

I don't want you to be afraid,
I don't want you to fear,
That's part of who,
I am and was,
A secret from my past.

Remember that I'm not the same,
Remember that I care,
If you forget everything,
Remember I was here.

I know you love who I am,
For better,
Or for worse.
Cause when I slip,
And fall,
And stumble,
You're there to pick me up.

You held me when,
I lost my heart,
You found it,
Brought it back.

Trust for us,
Is always there,
It can't be tainted,
Or broken,

Please remember we have no hurt,
No scratches, scrapes or burns,
Please don't stare at my pain,
I was lost,
But now I'm found.

My heart was fragile,
You made it strong,
My faith in men,
Was frail.

You took it smart,
You took us slow,
You brought me back,
To safety.

In my heart,
You've made a place,
As a friend and healer,
But more than that,
You made me fall,
Irreversibly in love.

I love you more,
Than I knew I could,
At this point in time,
My broken heart,
Is screaming out.

I love you.

I love you.

Aaaaaaand. A Nightmare.

So. Guess what? You guessed it. I had ANOTHER FSJSFDKL:SFDing Nightmare last night. Thanks a heap PJ's Effing Sociopathic GirlNOTfriend. Gaaaaah.

Anyway. Back to what i was talking about.

My Nightmare:
I'm not sure where I was...But I think I was at the mall. Jesse and I were at Claire's (Because my subconcious knows how much I hate that place) I was standing in front of him, and I wrapped my arms around him, and he wrapped his around me, and we were talking to someone in Claire's, but then I saw Michael, and completely freaked out, and started running. There was a dark dimly lit basement, and I was running down the stairs. "Alex, Nothing is going to happen to you, I'll protect you." I kept running, and I looked back, and couldn't see him, but kept running, and then I looked next to me, and Michael was there, and he said "Ya Alex. I'll protect you. I'll protect you right here [as he tapped the front of his pants]. And then Michael stabbed Jesse, and I started freaking out, because Michael ran off, and I panicked and couldn't stop the bleeding. The end.

Still don't understand why my subconcious mind is such a freak. Honestly, I make myself nervous. The dream started out so sweet. Honestly. And then, it had to turn into something terrifying. I wish I could control my dreams. I hear that you can, but I don't believe it. Because a lot of the situations that I get in when I dream seem so real that I would never want my conscious mind to lose it.

Dream interperetation:

Embrace: Evidently, due to the fact that I was hugging someone else, it means that I'm in the need of affection, or I need to show more love? Hahahahaa. I kind of makes sense. I guess.

Running: I'm running away from something that I'm afraid of, or I'm running away from a problem that I'm not yet ready to face.

Stabbing: I'm defensive about something.

Bleeding: I'm emotionally drained, or it signifies great love.

Wow.....Let me tell you. Dream interperetation. Couldn't be further off. Way to go dreammoods....

I'm going to force myself to dream something pleasant tonight. Like maybe I'll be a bunny.

I'll be silent for a while.

As I realized I had a medical terminology test tomorrow. Great.

Artspiration

X_X So I seriously am considering dropping AP art. I just am so sick of not feeling inspired. But now that I know I have a project that's going to be AMAZING.

I'm not sure if I want to write my idea on the internet. Seeing as an idea can not be copyrighted until after a piece of artwork is completed. But all I can say is dream...monsters.

Newest obsession...................Monsters...............Dripping monsters.

I'll figure out what it is I need to do eventually. Hopefully before........Thursday's Celebration.












.......................................................................................I think .... stuff...........is.............funny.


Bahaha. I[s] [c]aring [r]eally as important as w[e] w[a]nt to i[m]agine?


Pretty trippy.



Wellll.........Still trying to decide where to fall.

I blew it

The way she smiles,

With her eyes so dead,

Scares her friends,

Frightens those that love her.

She wants to laugh,

And throw her head back,

And smile like crazy,

But something is always,

Going to be wrong.

People die,

Friends move on,

And love fades.

But she'll keep fighting,

Because happiness is her goal,

To feel happy,

And healthy,

Try to feel like every other,

Normal psycho there is,

She wants to smile.

And mean it.

Eeeps. So Happy!!!!

Hahahahaha. Oh my gooooosh!!!!!!

Jesse asked me to be his girlfriend today.

So I. Have. A. Real. Boyfriend.

A New Year...For a New Me.

I went into 2010 thinking: THANK GOD 2009 is FINALLY OVER!!!!!

Oh how I was wrong. 2010 WASN'T a bad year by any stretch of the imagination. It just taught me a lot. And introduced me to a lot of people, as I did things that surprised myself.

LESSONS FROM 2010:

1. Never say Never. Because Karma's a bitch. Right when you say, That would never happen to me....IT DOES. Hahaha.

2. A friend may not last forever, but take advantage of the time you have with them. I learned this from my closest guy friend ever Brennen. We had so much fun together, and he kind of fell into my life when I was feeling sad a lot, so it was really nice to have someone that I felt close to.

3. Love comes and goes. You're 16 for hell's sake. Hahahaha. Oh Alex. I think one of my biggest problems is my ability to convince myself that I'm in love. Because once that happens. I stay "in love." But it's okay for love to come and go. Cooper was a great person. Adam was sooo fun. And I really enjoyed myself.

4. Take it one day at a time. I'm serious. When you think about the grand scheme of things, this year passed by freaking fast. But on days where my load seemed too heavy to bear. I had to remember. Take it one day at a time. And you'll feel better.

5. Family will ALWAYS support you. The last 4 months have shown me that especially. With all the chaos, my mom has supported me. My dad has supported me. My siblings have been non stop support. And that's been what I've needed.

6. Best friends come out of mysterious places. Sari. I mean you. We just clicked. And we may move on to bigger and better things a couple of years from now, but let's just enjoy it now!!!

7. Love isn't created overnight. It takes time. Slow but steady progress. Getting over yourself to try to understand the other person.

8. Trust your gut. When you know something is wrong. SOMETHING IS WRONG.


New Years Resolutions:

1. FEEL healthy again. I'm not looking to drop 50 pounds and look skeletal. I just want to be able to run, and eat better, and feel better.
2. Trust myself. This is going to take a while. But I think if I trust in myself more and more, I'll feel happier.
3. Feel Happier. Happiness is an option. You can choose to be happy, you can choose to be unhappy. Obviously extended moods and feelings are probably due to some kind of stress or hormone issue, but try to not let my happiness make me TOO happy, or when I feel sad to feel TOO sad.
4. Long, luscious hair. Try to straighten it less. Take prenatal vitamins. Wash it, and keep it moisturized. ONLY color it with semi permanent color.
5. Fall in love.....Right. Hahahaha.