So my mom, sister, and I missed our flight to Montana. Awesome. But have no fear, 3 hours (or 4.....or really 5) is nothing. Especially when you have a checklist to complete!
Let's see we missed our flight. (I really like to reiterate myself) (AKA Redundant.)
1:20-1:24 - Cut people off and squeal around corner to long term parking. Meanwhile mom is frantically searching and backing up, and going forward, and going in circles desperately trying to find a stupid parking spot. (Keep in mind we cut off a shuttle or two in the process)
1:24-1:26 - Watch the shuttle we should've been on drive away, abandon some old dude, who generously (and SOOOO SLOWLY) lead us to take his parking spot.
1:26-1:27 - 100 Meter dash to the shuttle station.
1:27- 1:29 - Wait for the Shuttle. Eerily quiet....Mom? You okay? Evil eye....Okay. I'll stop talking. *Mom mutters to herself* Who are you talking to Mom? Actually.....Sorry. Never mind. After the third evil eye, I feel impending death, or doom. I should stop talking. Random family with rather observant kids look at me sitting on the bench. Do...Do you want to sit? I can move.....Shuttle shows up. We board.
1:29-1:34 - Board shuttle. Time goes at a ridiculous speed. It's like time knows we're in a hurry, so is playing along with us. Elevator music. Some old guy with a sliced hand looking off in the distance. Thinking about how stupid his wrapping is. I'm an EMT. I should fix that.....Shuttle stop 2. Random guy boards......staring at me.......can he see my soul? Is there something on my face? What is his problem? He's the one with the mole.....shuttle stop 4......Wait. What? Number 4? Check watch. Realize watch has stopped. Watch mom file her teeth and claws.......shuttle stop number 7........if mom grinds her teeth any harder her teeth will be powder....too late.....shuttle stop 8.....THE AIRPORT IS THE OTHER DIRECTION!!!!! Is this a con? Shuttle driver....shuttle driver.....my mom is losing her sanity.....please gentle driver....DRIVE.
1:35 - Finally arrive. Take mom's bags and run like a bat outta [insert outer darkness here] into the airport. WE NEED TO FIND THE KIOSK!!!! No. I'm not in labor. I just need to make this flight. My mom types in the code in the kiosk. Boooo.......chiiiii..............waaaaaaaah. Smoke is coming out of my mom's ears. The code didn't work. Houston.....we have a problem....Walk of shame to the gate administrator. I notice her zebra nails. How tacky.....that's all I can think about as I watch her type. Her nails are so long and tacky. How can she even type like that? Ever heard of a CLASSIC FRENCH TIP!!!!?????? We get our tickets. I get excited.......then realize the flight is at 5:15. Meaning......we get to spend 4 hours at the airport. (Reiterate)
1:36-1:50 - Mom is running through security, like we're going to make the flight. Really mom? Really? Our tickets aren't even for that flight. I get to go through security TWICE? My mom blames me for not taking out the laptop......I tick off 4 elderly gentlemen. Why do they call it gentlemen? There was nothing gentle about their tone of voice.....and ugly nature....and nasty pleated pants. We make it through security. Still running like we're going to make the flight. Is mom in some state of psychosis? Mom really still thinks we're making the ORIGINAL FLIGHT THAT WE MISSED. Why can I can hear the elevator music in the airport. Oh yeah. CAUSE WE MISSED OUR FLIGHT. Mom really wants to dibs a spot on one of those brutally stiff chairs. I think about ponies.
1:50 - 2:00 - Hunger called. It said it's digesting my stomach. I complain to mom. I forgot mom is about as pleasant as a badger. I call Sariah. Blahhhh Blaaah.......oh. I wasn't supposed to say that outloud? My bad......Mom gives me the evil eye.......Oh wait. I think that's just how she looks today. It's jut her face..today. It reeks of I-just-missed-my-flight-so-I'm-going-to-beat-myself-up-over-it-for-the-next-4-hours-and-suck-all-potential-happiness-out ta-my-kids. You know? That look. I continue to complain about the monster digesting my organs. Mom takes SOPHIE to the bathroom. Not me. I babysit our bags. Who would really steal our clothes? I mean if they're that desperate, might as well give them some clothes. Notice the abundance of asians around me. With their cool gadgets. I feel like an american. A stupid american. Mom comes back, helps me take all of our bags over to the sandwiches she has bought. She tells me she's sold me as flight attendant to the airport for the sandwiches. Thanks mom......We eat our 2 sandwiches that are cut into thirds. Creative mom....Never stop amazing me. I think I know why I have hard time spending money.....1/3 of an 8" sandwich*2+ sample cups of pickles and peppers....mom jalepenos are not a side dish = hungry and heartburn. Awesome. Did I mention we each got a cup of ice water? Courtesy of Quiznos. (:
2:00-2:11 Mourn the loss of the food that was consumed. Wish there was more. Threaten to buy Starbucks. Threaten to buy a candybar. Keep threatening to buy food. Realize mom isn't fazed, and won't buy me anything. Mom goes to blow her nose. Sophie and I awkwardly stare at each other. Mom comes back. I teach her how to play hardface. Her face is chiseled. Until I say buttmunch. That's just because it caught her off guard....HAA!! People watch. My mom is still mourning her loss of the flight. Get over it.
2:11-2:30 - Mom looks at her nails and thinks about nail polish remover. Good news Mom. I snuck through the system. I got through security with a bottle of Nail Polish Remover. By accident. The guy behind me had a shoe check....sucker. Proceed to remove nail polish. Sit and stare. I pull out my bevy of cotton balls. Mom impressed. Who knew? (Hey it's 3:49!) Take off all nail polish. Watch Sophie paint her nails.....for 10 minutes.....another coat.....really Sophie? Is that necessary? LET THEM DRY!!!
2:30 - 2: 56 Mom gives Sophie "The Look" (If you have a mom, you know exactly what look I'm talking about. I get it a lot in church. It's the weird smile it says do-that-one-more-time-and-i-will-wipe-you-out. That's what I'm talking about. Scary....) Sophie finally backs down and surrenders the Barney purple nail polish. I paint my nails to perfection. For 3 minutes. Mom paints her left nails, and collapses in exhaustion. I paint her right hand. As a show of support in her difficult time.
2:56- 3:15 - Continue to threaten Mom with the idea of Starbucks. Nails all done Mom. I'm going to Starbucks....I mean it this time Mom.....I'm going....Okay. Fine. I won't go. Wait. Mom? Are you responsive? EMT!!!!! Just kidding. You're conscious. I'm starting to hallucinate...I have an idea. Let's blog. Mom opens her laptop. We join the Airport Wifi. Computer all but crashes. Spinning wheel of doom.
3:15 - 3:30 - I knew mom liked blogging. She was bluffing, because she knew if I knew she liked blogging I would never stop talking about it. Ever. In my life. Ever.....period. End of story. Blogging.
Now it's 3:57. Now we're going to write a rap.
The airport makes me so bored,
Makes me say,
Alex FORD!!! (My brother's bestie and it rhymes)
What is this garbage here,
It's lettuce/
Yeaaaaaah.
It's a piece of green lettuce.
Yeaaaah.
Plastic cups,
Painted nails,
Broken watches,
Guys in suits.
Mr. Seastrand follows me,
He looks over..
Mr. Seastrand is here. Kinda feeling a bit creeped. Actually it's not him. But It should be.
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