Sometimes.

Sometimes.

A bath filled with bubbles.

My hair in a curly mess.

All my make up off.

Clean teeth.

Wearing comfy panties.

My daddy's old orange T shirt.

Dreaming of us in Spokane.

Makes everything feel.

Alright.

Black Freaking Friday.

So. Basically. I joined the madness of black friday.

All of my little cousins and I got up, and shopped the hell outta our minds.

I got a cute lace blazer.

And pants.

And some other shit I don't care to write about.

Wanna know the best part?

My sleep meds hadn't worn off yet.

So I don't remember anything before 9 AM.

Quote of the Day

"I'm putting you in my pocket."

-Dave

"That's okay. You were just in my bra..."

-Alex

hahahahahahahaha.

Evening

Snow is falling softly to the ground.

Getting caught in my eyelashes.

Caught in my hair.

Stop for just a second.

Pay a tribute to my junior high self.

How To: Fart On Your Sister.

1. Wait until you have sufficient gas.

2. Manifest a decent fart.

3. Pretend to hug sister and sit on her lap.

4. Fart.

5. Run like hell.

Oops. I Did It Again.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I fucking hate it when I'm in depressives. It hurts like hell, and makes me feel so unmotivated to be alive, much less do anything of any sort of value. I cried for a different reason last night. Usually I cry in self pity, and my lack of self worth and yada yada. But last night was from hurt. Because I realize no one can trust me. I feel sometimes like my personality is torn between 2 people.
There's adult Alex. The one who wants to do well in school, knows she should go to work, wants to be successful, go to med school, accomplish great things, fall in love, get married, attempt to reproduce.
And there's child Alex. The one who could give a shit about school, stays up too late, has bad habits, doesn't trust herself, falls victim to misery.

But my two individuals are so intertwined that I feel like they are wrapping themselves around my neck, until my veins collapse, and my arteries are blocked off, making me have to start over again.

All of my terrible habits. The ones that make me feel shame, and dirty, are all coming back. I don't know why they are right now. I'm not myself right now. I'm trapped in this paradoxical sadness, and if I understood the source, I might be able to control it.

I guess that's the best way to describe what's going on with me. I'm completely out of control of myself. Because I don't care. At all. I suppose a little ray of me does, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, but I want to feel like I care about the grades I receive, the degree I want to accomplish at some point, where I'm going to live, whether or not I'm going to join the military. I want to feel confident, and sure of myself. But that comes with the ability to be honest with myself, and realize that I'm not as okay as I want to be. I feel like a hollow person right now.
Especially in the matters of men. It's alright for me to be who I think I am, except I don't really know who I am, and so I can't expect someone to sweep me off my feet, and love me for all that I am, if I don't know all that I am. Because let's be honest here. For just a second. No one wants to deal with a person with issues. Especially in a romantic setting. For me at least, I wouldn't want to date myself, not only that, but I am trapped in the most judgmental town in Utah. Utah Valley=My personal Hell. I find individuals that aren't judgmental, and seem like I could be happy when I'm in their presence, but timing is off for one of us. So this is why I'm looking at apartments online in Seattle. Will I ever be able to afford living in the heart of my favorite city? No. No I will not. Can I dream? Sure. I guess. I'm moving there this summer.

-

Gaaaaaaah. My mother makes me so irritable. But I love her and she is amazing.

I feel confused in the matters of my heart. Not like that's new news. I'm a little sick of always feeling this consistent. Whenever feelings start to get strong, I back off, hide somewhere, until I realize I'm so far backwards that I've lost said interest.

The Navy seems like a good option for me right now.

Hopelessly Stoopidism 2.

Just because I say I like it.

Doesn't mean I do.

Untitled.

I.

Am.

A.

LIAR.

Home.

I know you're in Europe.

And I'm back here.

But I just want you with me.

Have fun tomorrow!

I miss you.

-

Please.

Stop haunting my sleep.

Thoughts.

I haven't written out my thoughts for a long time. Because I've been afraid that all hell would be let loose.

Love. Everyone wants it, but quite honestly, what the hell is love? I have NEVER been in love. Ever. I have the preconceived ideas of what love is supposed to be. But I will never get there. I will never want someone to trace shapes into my back as I fall asleep every night. I will never want to cry in someone's arms after my day has been hard and unforgiving. I will never want to share my body and my heart with someone. I will never want to trust someone so unconditionally that I am willing to tell them all of my fears and shortcomings. I will never love someone so unconditionally, that I will be willing to allow all of my hurts and pains subside to let them into my life. I will never love another.

We are all so wrapped up in ourselves, that we are constantly overdressed. I have found myself extremely overdressed in the last little bit. All of my stresses and worries engrave themselves into the gray matter of my brain, and leave a permanent presence, even as some distant echo in my mind. However, some have a stronger presence. Some carve so deep, that my mind starts to hurt, and I want to hit my head over a pile of bricks over and over until blood starts to trickle down my forehead, and then I hit my head a little harder, because I'm afraid the thought will come back.

What if I can't promise that I'll be alright? What if I'm ripping at the weak seams that are keeping me together? What if I fall apart in front of you, mascara running down my cheeks, my nose red and running, and my eyes blue as ever? What if I'm not alright? What if I can't stop the rounds of thoughts in my head? An endless train of thought that tells me I'm broken, and worthless, and that no one needs me here? And I fight it with all that I have. I tell myself that I'm beautiful, and smart, and worth the world to someone. But I'm fighting an uphill battle, and I'm losing. No matter how many times I say "I can handle this" I know I'm lying to myself, and therefore lying to the entire world.

What if God has a superior plan that I can't see, because I'm a mere mortal? What if I have to lose myself beyond any recognition of who I am, just so I can fall to my knees and scream at the top of my lungs "Please God! Give me courage! Give me the strength to do anything!" And then as if by magic, I feel my heart warm up, my soul have feeling, and I can smile, and blissfully and truthfully smile for all that I am? So I can call a stranger beautiful, or thank my mother for all of her strength.

How do I fix my weakness?

How do you fix a broken soul?

Emily Dickinson

Some people prefer Frost to Dickinson. They say this, because they do not understand the beautiful reality that affects everyone, that Dickinson portrays so flawlessly. I am inclined to fall in love with her poetry again and again. She is one of the few female poets that was good at what she did.

Emily Dickinson is one of my heroes. I love that she was able to be so productive in her life, only to be loved by lovers, and never a husband.

This is my favorite poem in the entire world.

RESURRECTION.

'T was a long parting, but the time
For interview had come;
Before the judgment-seat of God,
The last and second time

These fleshless lovers met,
A heaven in a gaze,
A heaven of heavens, the privilege
Of one another's eyes.

No lifetime set on them,
Apparelled as the new
Unborn, except they had beheld,
Born everlasting now.

Was bridal e'er like this?
A paradise, the host,
And cherubim and seraphim
The most familiar guest.

Absolutely Flawless.

Good Night.

Sometimes.

When I fall asleep.

I lay on my side.

With blankets draped over my waist in a certain way.

Just so I can feel.

Like your there with me.

With your arm around my waist.

Holding me close.

So I don't have anymore nightmares.

I miss you.

Feeling.

Well for lack of a better word, a bit lonely. This is the first friday in a long time where I haven't had work. Which is odd, but I'm completely okay with it. I'm waiting for Neen to come over, but I'm just. Kinda lonely.

It's not anything that is painful.

Just a little obnoxious.

Because I feel so desperate.

Frooties

Sometimes.

When you're a girl.

You eat Frooties.


Because you're lonely.

And the guy you're dating abandons you in Utah.....





While he goes to Europe.

Quote of the Day

"I moved my pillow before he could fart on it."

-Sophie