Thoughts.

I haven't written out my thoughts for a long time. Because I've been afraid that all hell would be let loose.

Love. Everyone wants it, but quite honestly, what the hell is love? I have NEVER been in love. Ever. I have the preconceived ideas of what love is supposed to be. But I will never get there. I will never want someone to trace shapes into my back as I fall asleep every night. I will never want to cry in someone's arms after my day has been hard and unforgiving. I will never want to share my body and my heart with someone. I will never want to trust someone so unconditionally that I am willing to tell them all of my fears and shortcomings. I will never love someone so unconditionally, that I will be willing to allow all of my hurts and pains subside to let them into my life. I will never love another.

We are all so wrapped up in ourselves, that we are constantly overdressed. I have found myself extremely overdressed in the last little bit. All of my stresses and worries engrave themselves into the gray matter of my brain, and leave a permanent presence, even as some distant echo in my mind. However, some have a stronger presence. Some carve so deep, that my mind starts to hurt, and I want to hit my head over a pile of bricks over and over until blood starts to trickle down my forehead, and then I hit my head a little harder, because I'm afraid the thought will come back.

What if I can't promise that I'll be alright? What if I'm ripping at the weak seams that are keeping me together? What if I fall apart in front of you, mascara running down my cheeks, my nose red and running, and my eyes blue as ever? What if I'm not alright? What if I can't stop the rounds of thoughts in my head? An endless train of thought that tells me I'm broken, and worthless, and that no one needs me here? And I fight it with all that I have. I tell myself that I'm beautiful, and smart, and worth the world to someone. But I'm fighting an uphill battle, and I'm losing. No matter how many times I say "I can handle this" I know I'm lying to myself, and therefore lying to the entire world.

What if God has a superior plan that I can't see, because I'm a mere mortal? What if I have to lose myself beyond any recognition of who I am, just so I can fall to my knees and scream at the top of my lungs "Please God! Give me courage! Give me the strength to do anything!" And then as if by magic, I feel my heart warm up, my soul have feeling, and I can smile, and blissfully and truthfully smile for all that I am? So I can call a stranger beautiful, or thank my mother for all of her strength.

How do I fix my weakness?

How do you fix a broken soul?