Oops. I Did It Again.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I fucking hate it when I'm in depressives. It hurts like hell, and makes me feel so unmotivated to be alive, much less do anything of any sort of value. I cried for a different reason last night. Usually I cry in self pity, and my lack of self worth and yada yada. But last night was from hurt. Because I realize no one can trust me. I feel sometimes like my personality is torn between 2 people.
There's adult Alex. The one who wants to do well in school, knows she should go to work, wants to be successful, go to med school, accomplish great things, fall in love, get married, attempt to reproduce.
And there's child Alex. The one who could give a shit about school, stays up too late, has bad habits, doesn't trust herself, falls victim to misery.

But my two individuals are so intertwined that I feel like they are wrapping themselves around my neck, until my veins collapse, and my arteries are blocked off, making me have to start over again.

All of my terrible habits. The ones that make me feel shame, and dirty, are all coming back. I don't know why they are right now. I'm not myself right now. I'm trapped in this paradoxical sadness, and if I understood the source, I might be able to control it.

I guess that's the best way to describe what's going on with me. I'm completely out of control of myself. Because I don't care. At all. I suppose a little ray of me does, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, but I want to feel like I care about the grades I receive, the degree I want to accomplish at some point, where I'm going to live, whether or not I'm going to join the military. I want to feel confident, and sure of myself. But that comes with the ability to be honest with myself, and realize that I'm not as okay as I want to be. I feel like a hollow person right now.
Especially in the matters of men. It's alright for me to be who I think I am, except I don't really know who I am, and so I can't expect someone to sweep me off my feet, and love me for all that I am, if I don't know all that I am. Because let's be honest here. For just a second. No one wants to deal with a person with issues. Especially in a romantic setting. For me at least, I wouldn't want to date myself, not only that, but I am trapped in the most judgmental town in Utah. Utah Valley=My personal Hell. I find individuals that aren't judgmental, and seem like I could be happy when I'm in their presence, but timing is off for one of us. So this is why I'm looking at apartments online in Seattle. Will I ever be able to afford living in the heart of my favorite city? No. No I will not. Can I dream? Sure. I guess. I'm moving there this summer.