Why I'll Always Be Unaffiliated.

I could never be a republican. I can't tell someone that they can't marry, based on the principle of their sexuality. I work at a care center for the elderly. One of the nurses that works there cared for his partner fighting MS for 15 years. I don't know many straight couples that would go through that hell. So what difference does it make? Truly? At the end of the day, those who are getting married, aren't promiscuous, and even if they are? Why the hell does anyone care? Why is it anyone's business? Love is love. Whether it's a girl loving a boy. A boy loving a boy. A girl loving a girl. Love in it's purest form, is love. And don't tell me that homosexuality goes against what God wants for us. I'm pretty sure I've learned all my life that God's love is unconditional. The purest and sweetest love that anyone can experience. So does that all change with your sexual orientation? It's said that God loves the sinner. The liar. The prostitute. The killer. And yet...and yet...and yet what? If I ever had a child that asked me why those 2 guys were holding hands, I'd just gently explain that they were in love, just like mommy and daddy, and drop it. Because it's not my place to plant lies, and sadness into any child. Ever. The end.

I could never be a democrat. Life, in it's simplest form, is still life. If a fetus has a heartbeat at 4 weeks gestation, then clearly, life doesn't start after birth. Think about it like this. If any given person is in full cardiac arrest, you begin CPR, (unless they have DNR orders....but that's so beside the point), to get their heart starting again. Clinical death is being without breathing or a heartbeat. If a fetus can have a heartbeat, then how are they any less of a person? They're just a tiny person. Also, I hate the example of using abortions in the case of rape and incest. Rape and incest represent less than 2% of all abortions performed. Granted, a pregnancy can happen anytime, and any place, including if a woman gets attacked, it's such a weak argument, that I have to wonder what would happen if abortions were only available to victims....

I could never be a republican because I believe in the general good of humanity. Everyone should be able to obtain medical help, at any time, without falling onto mountains of debt.

I could never be a democrat, because I honor my rights as an american too much. I am neither a socialist, or a capitalist, however, I do want to keep all of the freedoms that essentially have made me american.


Therefore, I am independent. I think for myself. And I'll vote for whoever I think, will help this beautiful country that I live in.

Save The Date.

December 29th.
You. Me.
The end of the aisle.
Be there.

Just when everything is supposed to be perfect.

Surprise! It all goes to shit.

Pinterest...

Don't get me wrong. I freaking love pinterest, especially for wedding ideas. But I'm in love with this wedding dress, and don't want anyone to repin in, or worse, buy it. So i'm going to be selfish, and keep my happy little dress to my moderately happy little self.

Fatty McChubby.

That's it.
I'm fat blasting.
Time to spend 10$ and get a damn gym membership....or just get my ID at school.
Project "fit into wedding dress" is starting.

I may lose 10 pounds.
I may lose 20 pounds.
But I will look glowing and skinny on my wedding day.

After The Storm.

And after the storm...
Sometimes there's a lingering sadness.
A lingering hurt.
But you both know you're okay.
Because you love each other so much.
You're willing to stand in the rain so the other.
Can have your umbrella.

(:

can we just stop.
Just for a second?

Quote of my life.

"I'm obsessed with their clothes. Except I'm not classy like that. I can't wear high heels and my boobs sag over my laptop."

Untitled.

What's the point?
Getting ready doesn't even help.

I need to lose weight.
And feel unsad.

I NEED TO FEEL HAPPY.

Fat Kid.

DISCLAIMER: This is a whiny, I hate my body post. If you don't want to read it, you aren't hurting my feelings....

This is the cycle of my eating habits and feelings towards foods. My waistline is growing, and that's just the way that it is right now.

I hate what I look like. I wear things that are too big or too tight, or things that could almost fit, but don't. I don't want to try on wedding dresses. I don't. I don't want to wear a bathing suit. I don't want to take care of myself. I hate exercising, because it's starting from square freaking 1. I can't run a mile, let alone for 30 minutes.

Big is beautiful. I really believe that. There are lots of stunning women who have full figures. But I've always wanted to be the tiny girl. The teeny tiny girl that wears leggings and t shirts, and always has cold fingers because she's too skinny to produce body heat.

I've accepted that I'll never be that way.

But it still sucks to always feel like the fat kid.

Fall Sweater Vest

So Tired.

There's a colony of zits on my forehead.
My pants size seems to be inflating.
Hate what I see in the mirror.
Beauty is selective.
Life keeps going and going and going.
Don't want to listen anymore.
Don't want to talk anymore.
Mom says grown ups don't cry.
June. May. December. Numbers. Letters.
Grandma can't go that day. I can't get work off that day.
You're right. You win.
This ring wasn't this heavy a moment ago.
Sleep. Just keep sleeping. Because you can't think when you sleep.
Constantly feeling stuck. If it's not this, it's that.
Missing my kayak.
Go away. To Portland. Seattle. San Francisco.
Can't even paint. It's all stuck in my fingers.
Can't even sleep.
Don't wear a bra. Write poetry. Paint in a loft.
Should probably shave.
Smile. This is happiness?

This is happiness. And I'm exhausted.

Happy.

Super happy family time!!

Reflection

Sometimes. School is hard.
And makes you write.
About stuff you don't want to.
Like violence against women.
And then you wonder.
What the hell is wrong with humanity.

Stupid Monday.

I woke up, feeling sore and exhausted. I was tossing and turning all night. Which blows. Because I am so freaking tired. I need a giant latte.
My room is an absolute disaster. And I'm not going to clean it.
I really really really really want a job as a CNA.
I have cuts, scrapes, and sunburns.
My hair is a mess.
I miss Dave.
I hate weddings. I hate them. Don't ever have one. I won't go.
(That was passive aggressive. I actually love weddings. Just planning one is stressful)
I'm jealous of all of my friends having babies. They're so cute. I want one, except I don't. Because they're fun until they start crying. So I'll stay baby free for now. Maybe in five or so years, I'll be up for the responsibility.
I don't want to get dressed this morning.
I have so much homework I'm drowning.
I don't want to go to class. But I'm going to go anyway.
I'm really grumpy.
Florence and The Machine Makes it alright.
Ah poop. I have work tonight.

Stupid Monday....

Kayaking Trip.

Today, I woke up after tossing and turning all night. All my muscles hurt from my kayaking trip, and I feel exhausted.

My kayaking trip was an amazing experience. I met some pretty awesome people, and I made some really good friends that are going somewhere with their lives. It felt good. I pushed my body to limits I didn't know I could. (For a while I had given up on my fitness, because although I know Dave will love me no matter what size I am, I wasn't happy with my own body.) It was a nice break from my everyday life. I had to trust people. Trust my body. I was away from my cell phone, my blog, my laptop, school, work, my family, my sweetheart, everything I knew. I was thrown completely out of my element. And I feel like I did really well. And all those wonderful people, really helped take me on this really cool and unique experience.

It was a really spiritual experience, truth be told. There were times where I was sure I could know paddle 1 more inch. I was too tired. Too sore. Too everything. So I'd pray. I'd pray really hard. Say a Hail Mary, and find inner strength to push farther. I wasn't the fastest in the group. Most of the time I was the slowest. But at the end of the trip. When we were on our way home. I was the second to get into the bay. And by 22 seconds. And I have never felt so physically accomplished in my entire life.

I would never take back the laughs, the tears, the strangers, the jumps, the hikes. Any of it. Because for the first time in months. I'm back. And better than ever. I'm Alex. All over again.