Painting In Nature.

For as much crap as I give montana, I always forget how much I love it.

It's fresh air.

It's horses.

It's a beautiful lake.

It's picture perfect.

It's my little Rollins, MT.

After my gramma died, I wanted to forget how much I loved it, because we wrote all the time, and I missed her. Montana for a long time, was my favorite because I got to see my gramma friske.

But now I get to see my Grandpa Friske, and eat good Jerky, and wakeboard.

But most importantly.

Paint.

I'm myself when I'm painting, cause I have nothing to hide. It's all right there. On my paper.

And now that I have a watercolor pad, paints, and brushes, I'm excited to meet myself again.

Hi. I'm Alex. I'm 16 years old.

And I'm.

Going.
To.
Montana.

Freedom.

Sweet.


Freedom.

Two Weeks

This is the song that I'm currently OBSESSED WITH!!!!!

The double bass in this is insane. I love the lyrics.

Whoever said hardcore doesn't have meaning, was on acid..

LEaVe. Me. ThE. HeLL. ALoNe!!!!!!

Get out of my head,
Get out of my thoughts,
Get out of my system,
Get out of my heart.

You don't know me.
You don't get me.
You don't see me.
You don't love me.

I hate your voice.
I hate your smile,
I hate you heart,
I hate your ways.

I love your voice,
I love your smile,
I love your heart,
I love your love.

NO!
I'm screaming no.
Get out of my head.
Stop pushing me.

Leave me here.
Leave me dead.
Leave me however,
But leave me alone.

Wake Me Up When it's Normal Again

Have you ever felt,
Like you've lost everything,
When everything you need,
Is completely gone?

When your heart,
Has become carnage,
There's nothing there.
To try and revive.

Your brain,
Is telling you one thing,
While your body,
Is screaming something else.

Close my eyes,
I don't want to see.
I've become something.
I don't want to see.

No more pain.
Tearshed is over,
I'm sleeping.
Wake me up.
When it's normal again.

Sigh.

I'm too tired to sleep,
Too irritated to talk,
Too grumpy to text,
Too happy to smile,
Too sad to cry,
Too confused to ask.

Just kidding.

I'm actually happy. My arizona cousins are here, and I'm so EXCITED!!!!! Nick is sitting next to me right now, and even though his attitude can drive me nutty at times, he's basically the coolest kid in the world (When he's not texting his girlfriend)

Grayce is my favoritest little girl ever!!!! She worships me, and makes me feel so special. She looks up to me, and I love it. (:

My aunt raquel is so nice. She's always been one of my favorite aunts. She's just so herself, and even when life is kicking her ass, she still smiles, and keeps moving.

I'm so excited to spend the week with them.

Love you guys!!!!!

Good Bye my Friend

Dear Cell Phone.

I'm writing you this letter because you are dead now. Not just kind of dead, ligitimately dead. And I feel sad about it, which is ridiculous, because it's just a phone, right? Wrong. You were more than that to me. You became a close friend, or really my connection to my close friends.

I'm sorry for the time you sent bad texts that got me into major trouble last year. It wasn't your fault, it was completely involuntary for you. I'm sorry for all the times I put you down on the counter when I was cooking, and left you there, and was irritated when I couldn't find you. I'm sorry for the time I got paint laquer on you, and took all your pretty white plastic off of your battery back. It probably hurt. I'm sorry for all the times I dropped you, and I knew that you were hurt, but I called you a stupid phone, and made you send all those texts anyway. I'm sorry for the time I threw you at the wall in complete and utter anger, due to a text that someone else sent me. It wasn't your fault, and I take complete blame for that. I'm sorry for being mad when my keyboard didn't work. It's not your fault you shorted out. I'm sorry for the time I was thinking about getting a new phone, and called you ghetto. You're not ghetto. You just had personality.

Thank you for bringing me comfort last year when I felt like no one cared about me. You sent messages faster, and received them faster so I would feel loved. Thank you for the time you deleted my texts too slow, and my mom read them. I needed to get in trouble for what I had said to a close friend. Thank you for all those early morning wake up calls. Seriously, without you're great and loud sounds, I seriously would of dropped out of high school as a sophomore. Thank you for always locking the texts when I want, without asking questions. Thank you for allowing me to put lots of cool stickers on the inside of the battery pack, without throwing a fit. But mostly, thank you for staying alive when I really needed comfort, and happiness.

Cell phone, you have been a major role in my life over the last year, and I hate to think that you're going to be replaced with a newbie, who has a functioning keyboard, and a smooth screen. Each scratch and mark on your plastic/metal has been one of love.

Never forget your legacy. I've never had a phone this long, and it is with a heavy heart that I let you go into a recycle containment.

I hope you carry on your happiness, even when you are made into a new high tech phone, and that you make someone else as happy as you have made me.

I love you Cell phone.

Love.

Alex.

P.S. I decided to name you Maxemillion. Because you have make me happy to the max.

I love you!!!!!!

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to cry because I'm angry or upset. That's stupid, and that's what my boxcutter is for. Duh. I'm not going to yell out of frustration or despair, that's what singing is for. I'm not going to let him walk all over me again, that's not what i'm here for.

It's always interesting to see how people evolve over time. Me for instance. I used to be a cute almost prep, with everything and a half going for her.

And now, I can't be classified, and I'm almost happy, but I still feel like there's something missing. Like There's something I can't do.

I'm sick of writing dark poetry, and being in the closet about my depression. It's really there.

So I'm not going to do it anymore. Girls camp made me feel the most alive I have in months. I was laughing, crying, farting, smiling, breathing, and accepting. I felt beautiful even when my hair was a COMPLETE disaster and my face was less than perfect.

I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to try to label myself. I like who I am some of the time, and I love my family. I want to be able to look on my life and be like. "Damn. I was a pretty good kid."

It's not that I even do anything that bad. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I'm not a partier, I don't particularly like the idea of sex, I stay in contact with my parents in most everything I do, I'm a good sister, I just don't feel like I'm a good role model.

And with all the messed up shit that's going on in the world, does someone really need me here? I mean do I really make all that big of a difference?

So I'm not going to do it.

Waves of Manipulation.

Isn't it interesting how the female mind works?

Or better yet, how my mind works?

I tell myself over and over again to be careful. Don't find yourself getting used, or find yourself being that other girl. The one that the boyfriend cheats with. But I have so far been unable to avoid it. IT'S FRUSTRATING ME.

Please stop.
Your hurting me.
I can't see.
When you do this to me.

You twist,
change,
warp,
manipulate.

There are days,
when I remember,
When I was strong.
Not anymore.

This title is too permanent,
I can't make it go away.
I can't get past,
The waves of manipulation.

You blur the image,
Make it seem alright,
Then you snap the trap shut,
Impossible for my escape.

I can't make it go away,
I try to get past,
The waves of manipulation,
That have warped me.