Overwhelmed.

There's too many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I know she needs me, but since she never tries to call or text, and has basically given up, why should I try? Try to do what exactly....Understand? I've tried. But I'm constantly shoved out, so it doesn't really make a difference.

Last night was pretty much a wonderful night. Sari, Eric, and Jesse and I went to Zupas for some soup and delightful eating, then drove over to sariah's house to watch a movie. We were going to watch The Haunting in Connecticut, but her netflix was taking it's sweet time, and well, that didn't end up happening. So we watched The Others instead. hahah. I don't remember much of the movie. A) Because I kept falling asleep B) I was to busy paying attention to something else. Jesse has finally made the move. I know he's comfortable with me. We cuddled as we watched the movie, and I was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat. Whenever I'd move my arm, or readjust, his heartrate would go up. Hahaha. We held hands with one hand, and he traced shapes on my arm with his fingertips with his other. The equation. I fell asleep quite literally in his arms. But it was all innocent. The movie finished. Hahaha. I woke up, and we drove him home. (We picked him up, because the whole driving thing was really weird.) When we both got out of the car, he gave me the best hug in the WHOLE world. He just held me there for a bit. Then he pulled back.

And.

He.

Kissed.

Me.

It was super short. But. He FINALLY kissed me. We've been dating exclusively for almost 2 months, and it finally happened.

I whispered good night so that my voice wouldn't give away how happy I was inside.

Then I went into Sariah's car. And couldn't stop smiling.

That sealed the deal. I'm pretty sure we're basically together now.


Then....I had a terrifying nightmare last night.

I was at walmart with my mom and my aunts, and they didn't have any more carts, so they gave me a motored one, and I was holding Ethan, but I was going too fast, and I dropped him, and kept going until I realized I had. Then I ran back to him, but an elderly couple had already picked him up, and said he wasn't breathing. So my aunt runs up, but I was a coward, and started bawling, and ran into the bathroom where it's poorly lit, and there's only 2 stalls. I look around for a knife, and find one on a shelf, and hid in the stall that I had to hold shut because there was no lock. As I'm about ready to slit my wrists until I bleed to death, and possibly stab myself, my aunt pulls on the door, and I hide the knife in the toilet. She tells me that Aunt Chochy and the baby are in an ambulance, and that the baby is brain dead, but it's okay. Then i can't stop crying, and everyone at school starts giving me money and socks to try to make me happy, but I can't stop crying. I was bawling. Then my aunt chochy comes up to me as I'm sitting on the floor and tells me that Ethan isn't breathing, and he's braindead, but it's okay.

I woke up shaky, disturbed, wrapped up in my sheets, and sweaty and crying.

So now I feel like a zombie. There's too many emotions in my heart right now. Or is it my mind? I don't know.

Christmas.

So Christmas this year was probably one of the best ever.

On Christmas Eve, we went to mass, and honestly, I was sooo impressed with Father Dave's homily.
"When we think of the true meaning of Christmas, it's easiest for us to think of the birth of Jesus. That's what most people think of, so it's pretty regular. But when you look at the flipside of things, you see Joseph trying to do what's best for Mary and himself. He divorced her quietly, which in those times, was all merciful. When the angel appeared in his dream, telling him to take Mary into his home, and to name the baby Jesus, he was all ready to take responsibility, and take full care of Mary. Then we're drawn to Bethlehem, the place of Jesus' birth. There wasn't a place for Mary to give birth, so Joseph, in loving his wife as much as he did, had to go for the next best, and available thing. Joseph supported Mary, and supported Jesus. So you really start to see the meaning of Christmas. It was the Joy of Christ's birth, and an emphasis of the meaning of family."

This was amazing. Because I had never thought of it that way before. I enjoyed the rest of mass, and went home to enjoy Christmas Eve dinner, with my family. My mom made delicious roast, potatoes, salad, and some yummy rolls. And of course there was eggnog, and sparkling cider for those who weren't old enough to toast with wine. (Or were old enough and didn't like wine. Sophie...Alex....Gramma...hahahaha) The toasts were amazing. I honestly remember everyone. Sophie's was to being healthy, and moving forward with life. Gramma's was the happiness our family has brought us. My mom's was how amazing our family's strength was. My dad's made us all cry. Every person in my family has had a heavy cross at some point this year. Somewhere where they wanted to give up. But the strength, and love and support of our family, kept us together. He loves us, and wants the best for us. (That's the gist of it. The whole thing was a lot longer.) Mine was about the importance of family. Being a teenager I assume that my friends can replace my family. But by doing that, I'm acting clinically insane. This year has shown me that your family is there to catch you when you fall. It's like falling off a trapeze without a harness, but your family keeps you from falling too far. Sara's was (Correct me if I mess it up. Mkay? (: ) about how amazing it is that she's got to have experiences with each one of us that has made her love each of us that much more, because she's understanding more about how we tick. She loves us, and our strengths. My brother was the comedic relief in a sense. We all went into 2010 thinking, thank God 2009 is over. Well, I wish 2009 was this last year, because 2010 has been pretty difficult. He continued to say that our family is what held him together, and that he loves us. Then Sara and I thought of 2 more. My grandpa Jim. I love him so much. We all do, but without him, and his amazing example of strength, we wouldn't be who we are today. And of course to God. God has blessed us, and myself with such a supportive and amazing family. God is the reason, we're all still around.

Then we ate, and talked and laughed. And watched my sister Sara on TV!!! That's right. She danced with The Mormon Tabernacle Choir for their Christmas concert last year, and we got to watch it. The camera man loooved her. (Who wouldn't) And so we got to see her a lot!! It was AWESOME!!!! Then we opened our pixie gifts. Sara had me, and got me exactly what a wanted: A book. It's called Oogy. Seriously, one of the best gifts I got this Christmas. I had Daddy, and hooked him up with some Ute gear. Because we need that for BYU valley. To remind them who's boss (: Then I drove Gramma home. As I opened the door, there was a gift for me on my front step. It was from Jesse. I heard his truck around the corner, and realized I must have barely missed him. When I took it inside, and my family asked who it was from, I blushed crimson, and they all knew it was from Jesse. Hahaha. So I took Gramma home, I wrapped all my family's gifts, and went to sleep. I always have a hard time staying asleep on Christmas. I guess it's that juvenile excitement that still exists.

Then Christmas came!!!!!

I got some amazing gifts, and everyone loved what I got them. I called Jesse to thank him for his thoughtful gift, and stumbled on my words as usual. hahahaha.

We had our Christmas breakfast, then chilled for a while I took a bath. Then we all went over to my Gramma Lynne's for Christmas dinner. We watched Despicable me for the second time that day. And enjoyed each other's company. Good day.





I forgot to mention. I did all my Christmas shopping on Christmas eve, because that was when I got my paycheck. I made Goodman's shirt a couple times, because after I made the first one, I realized I wrote: I <3 Procor. Great. So I went back to the craft store, bought more spray, and made the right one. I <3 ProcTor. Proctor. Proctor. Hahahaha.


God bless.

-

Why do I have to feel like I have to be strong for everyone?

Winter Break Is FINALLY Here.

Seriously. I can. NOT. Wait.

The.

End

What I love.

What I love. In order of most irritating to least irritating.

Photoshop. It's not enough that trying to use photoshop with your mouse is a pain in the ass, but if you're not careful, and save every couple of seconds, it will proceed to delete everything you've been working on for the last couple of hours.

Migraines. Who doesn't love feeling like your neck is going to explode? Me. Me. Pick me!!!

Grooveshark. It used to be fast, but now because so many people use it, it's slow.

Friends. Nough said. It's definately a love hate relationship.

Art. Well. As we all know, art has been a struggle for poor little alex. But she'll get it someday.

Boys. I still don't understand why God wasted the time to make guys. Why not make girls asexual and save yourself some time?

Purple hair. Grapehead....yeah. That's my name currently. Thanks Marinello. I asked for REDISHBROWN. Not purple. So now I look like those wannabe emo kids. You know, the ones that dye their hair purple so we can understand their purple suffering?

School. Pretty sure I failed the math test today. Which is great. Because now I'm remembering everything that I could have done right, but I screwed up on anyway. So much for an A. I knew it was too good to be true.

Geez. I have a lot to say today.

I hate quiet. And that's how photo is right now. SILENT!!!! And I don't even know why. I guess we're all working. (except me. I'm blogging)

Not having any more knuckles to pop. I don't know why it's so entertaining for me. It's actually mostly pathetic.

Being so far away from Suzanna. So what if she has a boyfriend? She could of had a boyfriend here. Or if I could get over there somehow. I don't know.

My body. Sure. I'm not doing anything. I need to go to the gym, and take some fitness classes, and start running again. I kind of gave up on that. Which is SOOOOO lame. But why can't I be skinny naturally? Because. My life said HELL NO!!!!

Nick. 'Nough said.

Music. It all seems so bland to me right now. So I'm trying out some old bands I liked a couple of songs, and giving them a genuine chance.

Feeling sad. Do I have a reason? No. Not today anyway. I've had a pretty excellent day I guess in the big picture. I think it's because I'm still feeling yucky. So it's hard to tell if I'm really happy or unhappy. I think I need a nap.

Naps. I always wake up WAY later than I intend to.

My neck hurting. I know. I already talked about this one. But I hate feeling achy. I always forget when I complain about being kind of sick, how shitty it is to actually be sick.

Violin. But we got new music, so I'm actually bringing it home today.....maybe.

I miss Tim Burton. I need to make a list. Of movies. That I need to watch.

My family. They're amazing, but I miss them right now. I don't even know why. It's like I'm homesick, but I'm only at school. hahahaha.

Hhahahahahaha.

My job. GO TO HELL CLAIRE'S!!!! Seriously. I think I would of had more fun working in the food court. And it's almost 3 pay periods that I haven't been paid now. And not to mention my lack of hours is always wonderful. Life's a peach.

Christmas. OH MY GOSH!!!!! I just had a good idea. I'm going to make a list of stuff I'm going to get people this year, but set a budget, so I don't overspend, and not have any money for Christmas break.

Speaking of which. I need to go onto KSL.

Peace!!!!!

why.

Why. Why. Why. Why can't I f*cking draw??????

I want it to snow.

Once upon a time....

There was a little girl. She didn't get to make a snowman the last time it snowed, because it was too powdery. She lived in Utah, so she assumed it would snow in the near future. Then. Christmas came along. And it snowed. It didn't rain. It snowed. And all the little children rejoiced.

The end.

-

I'll get it someday.

Trust.

Wow. I've been thinking about last night and he probably thinks I'm super dramatic. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him why I was sad yesterday, and have him hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Well he hugged me. And told me he wasn't going to force me to tell him anything. I know I can trust him. He hugged me, and I almost started crying. So I apologized.

He doesn't care about what I look like, when I talk too much because I'm embarrassed. I think he's pretty genuine. But it's kind of too early to tell. All I know is that I love talking to him even though I know I probably sound like I'm stupid, and don't know what's going on.

My new Hurr....

It's dark. It's reddish. IT'S FREAKING SEXY!!!!!



(But my hair isn't this long. Bummer.)

Starbucks. And Zupas.

Once upon a time. There was a girl named Alex. And she needed her coffee fix. So she went to......STARBUCKS!!!!!! Doo doooo dooooOO!!!!

So she got a vanilla frapp!!!!!!

The end.

She also went to Zupas and got tomato basil soups. THE END FOR REAL!!!

Too Much To Say

Good news. My mind is going so fast that I can't really verbalize what I'm thinking. That's great. Because I'm sure all of you bored enough to read my blog don't really care about what I have to say, because you read it out of boredom.

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo needing my hair appointment tonight. I think I'm going to get a facial too, because I seriously feel so stressed out. Bad mojo. But I had a moment today, that I'd like to share.

I was falling,
But now I've been caught,
I was drowning,
But I'm revived.
He caught me,
Carried me,
Kept me going.
My Father,
Sent me the love,
From my family,
My friends,
Everyone I needed.
To make it through.
The rough patches.

I love you Jesus.

In Journalism 2 or maybe 3.....

I'm so sick of blogging.

Man, I wish I was skinny, and had nice boobs, and maybe a butt. I seriously would be feeling SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much happier if I didn't need to worry about that. Why does Suzanna get the hot bod?

Seriously. She's skinny. Pretty. Has hair that actually grows, (unlike the weeds that I call my hair.) Her hips are proportional to the rest of her body, and she has small feet.

Censored Feelings

I'm really working on trying not to let myself hurt over stupid little things. Butt hurt as Dommy calls it. But sometimes it's hard. When someone said something just to be deliberately mean, or you realize (I realize) that I can try my entire life and my art skills will never be as good as half of the people I know. Granted I live in Utah. In other states, art isn't pushed as hard, so most everyone feels talented.

But. Christmas. Is. Coming. And I'm not feeling it this year. Maybe I'm just in the buhumbug funk, but this is the first year I'm not genuinely excited for Christmas. Last year, it was all about Sophie's healing, so it was nice to get her some cute gifts for the hospital, and for when she got home. But this year, not only am I almost entirely broke because I haven't been paid, but I don't really know how to feel about everything. I'm like a big massive dump of confused.

So I'm learning how to censor my feelings. If nothing else, I can always say I'm doing great, even if I want to scream my guts out. It's important. I think anyway. Basic skills, but learning censorship may help me feel less sad. Because that's a good work for the strange moods I've been in lately.

Sad. Sadness is an emotion. Right? So it shouldn't last more than a couple of days. Hours. Something like that. Because we experience many emotions a day. Happy, sad, irritable, grumpy, giggly, whatever. Learning how to experience all of these. It's not like my life is even bad. I mean I'm running a sock drive because some people can't afford socks. I've never been in a position where that was a concern.

But. I love my family.

And I'll learn to love my life.

Leave Me In Piece(s)

I don't want to trust you.
You're going to run away from me,
Just as I catch up.

Why am I so drawn to you,
When I should be drowning,
There's something in your eyes,
That say there's no use trying.

So leave me.
Leave me in peace.
Run wherever you need to go,
go,
Just leave,
Leave me in peace,
Because everytime you go,
You leave me in pieces.

...

Feeling. Feeling. Feeling. I'm feeling happy. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling silly. Who gives a chizz about what you're feeling?! Why is it all about "feeling"? I can feel sad and angry and confused, but still BE fine.

"It has been said that 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, in protecting it's sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But it's never gone."

-Rose F. Kennedy

Confusion.

I found a song yesterday, and I loved it. It was just on the radio. Which isn't that normal for me. I keep thinking about how much I really am a mess.

I basically humiliated myself yesterday...multiple times actually. Ice cream was the worse thing ever. I thought it'd be all sweet and productive, but we went by where I work, and well, it's safe to say I'm not the person that he thinks I am. And yeah. I shouldn't have to try and hide who I am. But I don't think I scared him off.

Dear Grandpa Albus,

I'm having boy troubles. And since you're well...you know. I f you could tell me what to do it'd be amazing.

Lots of love.

Alex

Dear Alex,

Eat lots of cabbage. It's good for your colon.

Love,

Whoever I'm dressed up as today.

Dear Whoever I'm dressed up as today,

What the hell? I mean heck? I forgot I'm in Utah. I'll get persecuted if I swear. LOL! But anyway. Who cares about cabbage? And actually, it's really bad for you colon. It's light colored, so therefore there isn't any fiber. I know, because I'm a nutrition minor.

Lovingly,

Juddly.

Dear Juddly,

I decided to actually read your first post now, considering I apparently said the wrong thing. I will give you some MAGIC advice. Give up on Muggle boys. Wizards are where the somethin' somethin' is at.

Love,

Albly Dalbly Falbly Doo!

Dear Grandpa Albly,

He isn't a muggle boy. He's a wizard. Somethin' somethin'??? WHAT?!?!?!

Love.

Me.

Dear Me,

I'm not quite sure why I am writing to myself, so I'll just ignore me and write to Alex. Somethin' somethin' refers to the lingo of today's kids. Get with the time you carpet-bagger!

Love

You.

Dear You,

You suck at this advice thing. I knew what you were referring to, I just wanted to pretend I didn't. also. Why is Xmas the worst ever???? Why is advent supposed to be beautiful, and I'm hating it? You don't know what advent is.....just kidding.

Whatever.

Judd

Dear Judd.

who ARE you?! No really... who are you?

Venom.

So I was in art class today, and seriously, I was in the worst mood ever. It was like I was a bitter old woman. Hahaha. But it's not funny. I was working on my fetus painting, and I just hate it. Seriously. Everytime I start a project, I end up hating it. I think the only project I didn't hate was the watercolor of myself last year, but I stayed up till 3 that night, so it didn't really matter. And I ended up HATING THAT anyway. Ugh. X_X Dead.

Ummm. So the sock drive is slightishly stressing me out. I'm worried about outcome. Like my mom said, if you even get 10 pairs of socks, you're making a difference, but seriously, I could just go buy a package of socks myself if the outcome was that low. Which makes me feel embarrassed. I'm always embarrassed. Like nothing I say is worth listening to. Ever. Which I guess most people feel like.

I don't know why I'm in such a weird mood today. It's like I know I SHOULD be happy, because I'm healthy, and I'm doing decently in school finally, and I'm trying my best to stay orginized, but there's this dark shadow. It's really making me kind of trip. It's like the raincloud analogy. There's a dark cloud above my head, but everytime I start to get really low, the sun shines, and makes me feel bright and shining again.

It's inconsistent.

I just popped my back (: Now I'm trying to smile when I feel like screaming. It's not as easy as it sounds.













But now I have to think about why I'm lucky to be alive.
Not everyone has that chance.
People die young.













Sariah was so sad yesterday. I tried to help her, but I felt entirely powerless. I guess I need to be patient.













PS. Happy December. (: