Overwhelmed.

There's too many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I know she needs me, but since she never tries to call or text, and has basically given up, why should I try? Try to do what exactly....Understand? I've tried. But I'm constantly shoved out, so it doesn't really make a difference.

Last night was pretty much a wonderful night. Sari, Eric, and Jesse and I went to Zupas for some soup and delightful eating, then drove over to sariah's house to watch a movie. We were going to watch The Haunting in Connecticut, but her netflix was taking it's sweet time, and well, that didn't end up happening. So we watched The Others instead. hahah. I don't remember much of the movie. A) Because I kept falling asleep B) I was to busy paying attention to something else. Jesse has finally made the move. I know he's comfortable with me. We cuddled as we watched the movie, and I was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat. Whenever I'd move my arm, or readjust, his heartrate would go up. Hahaha. We held hands with one hand, and he traced shapes on my arm with his fingertips with his other. The equation. I fell asleep quite literally in his arms. But it was all innocent. The movie finished. Hahaha. I woke up, and we drove him home. (We picked him up, because the whole driving thing was really weird.) When we both got out of the car, he gave me the best hug in the WHOLE world. He just held me there for a bit. Then he pulled back.

And.

He.

Kissed.

Me.

It was super short. But. He FINALLY kissed me. We've been dating exclusively for almost 2 months, and it finally happened.

I whispered good night so that my voice wouldn't give away how happy I was inside.

Then I went into Sariah's car. And couldn't stop smiling.

That sealed the deal. I'm pretty sure we're basically together now.


Then....I had a terrifying nightmare last night.

I was at walmart with my mom and my aunts, and they didn't have any more carts, so they gave me a motored one, and I was holding Ethan, but I was going too fast, and I dropped him, and kept going until I realized I had. Then I ran back to him, but an elderly couple had already picked him up, and said he wasn't breathing. So my aunt runs up, but I was a coward, and started bawling, and ran into the bathroom where it's poorly lit, and there's only 2 stalls. I look around for a knife, and find one on a shelf, and hid in the stall that I had to hold shut because there was no lock. As I'm about ready to slit my wrists until I bleed to death, and possibly stab myself, my aunt pulls on the door, and I hide the knife in the toilet. She tells me that Aunt Chochy and the baby are in an ambulance, and that the baby is brain dead, but it's okay. Then i can't stop crying, and everyone at school starts giving me money and socks to try to make me happy, but I can't stop crying. I was bawling. Then my aunt chochy comes up to me as I'm sitting on the floor and tells me that Ethan isn't breathing, and he's braindead, but it's okay.

I woke up shaky, disturbed, wrapped up in my sheets, and sweaty and crying.

So now I feel like a zombie. There's too many emotions in my heart right now. Or is it my mind? I don't know.