And So It Begins...

Hooray for going to a high school college!!!
I ran into 4 people I knew from high school today.
So much for getting to start all over..
Whatever. Doesn't matter anyway.



HIGHLIGHTS FROM ALEX'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:

Woke up at 6:45 (Which should win me an award.)
Made it to class on time.
Listened to my biology professor answer the same question over.


and over.




AND OVER. About the syllabus.


Kid 1: So. ummmmm....do we like.....need the book with the access code?

Professor: Yes. That's where my curriculum is coming from.

Kid 2: But I don't understand. So I must have the textbook with the access code....do I still need the textbook?

Professor: Yes. You need the book and the access code.

Girl 1: But that book is like......40 more dollars. Do we like really really need the access code? Or could we get away without it?

Professor: JUST GET THE *#&@&^% BOOK WITH THE %o%*&# #*$&#@*  ###*@&$&@  ACCESS COOOODE!!!!!!!





He then proceeded to through a student out the window..
Except we were in an auditorium. With no windows.....

awkward.




Continuing on....


Then I had a 4 hour break in which I attempted to get the school's secure internet connection working. Either I'm super stupid, or the system is stupid. Because something wasn't working. At all.



SURPRISE!!! Alex starts to feel weird and thirsty in math class.
And her sinuses hurt in psychology class..

You guessed it.




Alex got her usual "Welcome back to school Alex. Have a cold" Cold. Which sucks, because the level of apathy for the semester or school year is usually determined by the well being of myself during the first week. So far, I have failed. So now I'm drugged on Nyquil and overusing the toilet paper next to me....

(I'm a beauty queen!!!!)

I managed to survive work. Servers are bitches. Just going to say it. 

And then I snuggled with Dave for 20 minutes. Before I went home to go to bed....it's going really well.

But he gave me amazing headphones as a back to school gift.

I just wish I could open the box. Oh well.

Time for sleeping anyway.

I'm getting loopy. 

Droopy.

Poopy.

hahahaah.

I survived my first day of college. 

So Happy I Could Poop.

Which actually means a lot coming from me.
But enough about my bathroom tribulations.



I had one of those so-happy-everything-is-absolutely-marvelous-and-the-stars-have-aligned kind of days.

It was another day that I fell deeper in love with David.

It was another day that I got to be alive and experience the essence of life.

It was another day spent with good food and friends.

It was finding the perfect solution to the stress of the moment.



You know that moment, when you've been so stressed out about something, and then all of a sudden, the exact perfect ideal situation happens. It doesn't just happen. It's given to you on a golden platter that says "free. Take me. I'll make your life happier and better." Yup. It was that awesome.


Unfortunately, I can not give details about my perfect moment for a while. It's kind of complicated, and truly, I don't know if  I could explain it if I tried.














But I'm so obnoxiously in love.



And I'm the LUCKIEST girl in the entire world.

Off My Case.

Seriously.




I'm a big girl.
I make my own decisions.

Get off.
My case.

It's Clothing...Calm Down.

No.
I'm not going to calm down.
It's not so much that I'm even worried about money.
That's not it at all.
I would buy myself new clothes if I wanted them.
But since I don't....

I just..




I don't want to face myself in the mirror.

Yes. This is stupid reasoning. I eat all the time. I never exercise. I can't bitch about my weight. And that's the truth. But I don't feel the need to sabotage any good self esteem I have left by trying on all my clothes, realizing they no longer fit, and playing the "let's buy alex all sorts of shit because she got really fat really fast!!" game. Not at all.

I don't care if I have pants that fit. Maybe I'll just wear leggings. They are sorta pants, and they cover my legs, and if they wear out, good news, I have like 3 more pairs in an assortment of colors.

Besides. Pants make me look like this.

I don't want to go shopping with anyone. I just want to go to Saver's and buy mom clothes, and close myself off from men entirely. (Sorry babe. But I'm going to look like I'm fifty...) I just can't deal with body problems, dysmorphia, any of that. And I can't feel shitty until I hit the gym.

So I'm left with no solution.

Eat until I'm 30 pounds overweight.

Or do something about it.

If only the apathy wasn't so overwhelming.....

Everything is stupid.

I can't sew. And I'm a girl.
I always lose my damn cell phone.
I have 1 pair of jeans. 1. Because I've ripped through 3 pairs in the last month.
I have a giant headache.
The f word is becoming far to easy to fall out of my face.
I hate shopping.
My best friend is half my size.
I hated work today. It really was just a shit night.
I need Dave.

0234

Sometimes I hate reading my old stuff.
Because yes.
I was sad.
And confused.


But I don't remember why.

Sometimes.

I like to pretend that you'll find me on top of all the covers.
Curled up in a ball sleeping.
My hair a mess.
Wearing a giant T-shirt and panties.
My laptop open next to me....
Opening my blue eyes.
Then closing the left one.
Stinky morning breath.
"Good morning bubba....how was work?"
You'll smile the way you do.
Get ready for sleeping.
Cuddle me.
And whisper.
"Work was okay. But I missed you all night."

Spiral.

It's probably because I'm blogging late.



So maybe I shouldn't be writing what I'm feeling.









I don't feel worthy of the life I've been enjoying recently. I don't feel worthy of the happiness, the joy, the healthy feelings, the weight gain from enjoying good food, the friends, the love, the family. Why do I get to be in such a stable place in my life?



When is it going to slip out of my fingertips, and I'll end up spiraling out of control?





Why have I, an 18-year-old little girl, found the love of my life, and one of the few respectable men there are out there?






Why do I get to be okay?


































i'm not worthy of this love.
But I'll take the ride as long as I can cling to it.

Faith

WARNING: This has my own personal spiritual beliefs and thoughts. I am not up for criticism. This is how I view my relationship with God, and I am not generalizing everyone's relationship to be this way.
This is also the first spiritual post of it's kind.




Sometimes I wonder why God has dealt me the hand He has.
Why He dealt her cancer that ended her sweet existence,
Why He dealt her the death of her husband,
Why He dealt her loneliness,
Why He dealt him depression,
Why He dealt her cancer that may change the path of her life.

I sit and I wonder why all the wonderful people in this world, have emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological, traumatic, terrible things happening to them, and they are silently strong. Holding on tight.

I ask God. And then He responds saying:

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

We are afflicted in every way possible, but we are never crushed; full of doubts, we never despair. We are persecuted but never abandoned; we are struck down but never destroyed. Continually we carry about in our bodies the dying of Jesus, so that in our bodies the life of Jesus may also be revealed.

How I interpret:

Shit is going to happen to everyone. Every single day of our lives. However, since life is all about perception, we need to see it as God giving us light touches of sympathy towards our Savior, Jesus. However, I have personally had many things in my life happen that help me relate to someone I might not have otherwise, and maybe even helped then seek further guidance than I could ever provide. The ways of God are always a mystery. We do not know how He works. When He works. Why He works. But the point being, He does work, and He shines within us.






Sometimes though, I don't want to know that God works in mysterious ways, and that this challenge will make me stronger. I just want to cry like a baby, and scream why. Why me? Why must this happen to my friends? My love? My family? Me? And I pray. And I ask God.

And then He responds like this:

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be brave and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; He will never fail you or forsake you.


How I interpret:

Kay God. I'm listening. God is with us all. Every single day. Sometimes it's easier for us to disregard His hope and strength and us, and feel sorry for ourselves, and for those around us. The world can be heavy. But we're not alone. God may not be here in the flesh. But He gives us coping mechanisms so we have people to be here with us in the flesh. Friends, family, coworkers, classmates, teachers, strangers, animals. God gives us hope, and without hope, we are nothing.




And then, when we find our way. After we have struggled. And cried. And been angry. And cursed. And didn't want to find a solution. But when we succeeded.

God responds to us like this:

Luke 15:6

Once arrived home, he invites friends and neighbors in and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep!'


How I interpret:

So ya. We're obviously not animals. We aren't fluffy or furry. But we are God's little lambs. I know I have felt like the black sheep of my family from time to time. But. God brings us back to center. He finds us, and helps us find ourselves, and when we have become everything we had dreamed. When that moment comes, and everything feels okay. God rejoices with us. Because He loves us soooo much. And unconditionally.

(I drew this)

(And this)

Dear God.
Help me have strength to deal with the emotions of today. Help me to love all those around me. Thank you for letting me wake up and experience another day today. Please bless Emily and her family with strength, and hope. Please bless Rachel with strength, hope, and peace as she prepares for treatment. Please bless Jasmine and Jenna with strength and happiness. Please bless those about to start school, especially my mom, and all those who dedicate hours to teaching and inspiring. Help me to be nice when I feel grumpy. Please help me to keep strong in good study habits. Please bless all those sick and in the hospital. Please help all those who have lost hope, or feel that they don't have friends.
But God. Thank you for every blessing I have in my life. And please continue to bless me and those around me i the way that you do. I love you so much God. I guess it's only a star in comparison to the milky way in the ways that you love me. But I do.
Amen.

Hands.

"You're going to need to put that in your other hand because you're going to hold my hand.....nnnnnmmmmmmkkkeeeh?" I say.

"Why?" He asks.

"Just...cause." Was my elaborate response.

I didn't want to say that I was afraid. And nervous. Because this was real now. I'm really growing up and going to college. I'm applying to hospital jobs. I was about to spend lots of money on books. And find my classes. And hope that I would be able to keep good grades all semester.

Of course, my sweet boyfriend didn't think another thing of my strange behavior, and just gently squeezed my hand as we approached the bookstore.

I dunno what it is. But whenever i feel scared, or nervous, or uptight, or happy, holding his hand can be an expression of how I feel. Sometimes it's a security, just like a childhood blanket. Sometimes it's an expression of love. Like saying "hey boy. i love you with my whole heart. like my myocardium is yours." Sometimes it's reassuring. Like saying. "hey boy. You can do this. be brave. you're my hero." And sometimes it says "hey boy. I'm really freaking the hell out right now. I'm losing my shit. help me hold it together."

My sweetheart has nice big manly hands. They are both longer and thicker than my own, which is nice, because I'm basically big foot of hands...



I really feel so blessed that God gave us hands. I know it sounds weird. But a lot is interpreted through touch. I paint. With my hands. I write. Using my hands. I play the piano, violin, and guitar, using my fingertips. I hold Bubba's hand....with my hands. Cool, i think.

Or maybe I'm getting really tired.


I had a good day with him today. Another day that reminds me how blessed. How truly blessed I am to be in the middle of an incredible love.

Dave even holds my hand when he's a seat in front of me on the airplane (:

(I love this boy)

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.












































I love you sweetpea.

Dear Happy Valley.

Stop being so damn happy. Seriously. In the last year alone I've had 11 friends get married, 4 have babies, and about 20 others get engaged. WE'RE FREAKING BABIES PEOPLE. Honestly. I need to run away from the place. Somewhere normal. Where getting married at 25 is young.




Because I'm about to become the world's biggest hypocrite.

Accomplishment

I'm feeling really proud of myself today.

I passed my CNA exam, and with a 90%!!!!!

Now, ideally, I would like to work in a hospital setting. There are some positions available. They are 8 hour shifts, which for me would be perfect.

I forgot what it feels like to feel secure in what it is I want to be doing.

Blog Challenge: Day 21

A picture(s) of something that makes me happy.

1. Bubbles.

This is me (:

Photo Credit: Nina Carpenter

Little Animals:

 Mollie

Salamander 

 Mouse

 Jackstopher

Porky (One of Dave and my frog)

I also enjoy cupcakes, baths, and rain.

Thunder.

I have a confession....

Sometimes thunder still scares me.
And I want to hide under my blankets.
And squeeze my eyes tight together.
Snuggle with my sister.
My boyfriend.
Someone.
Until all the thunder.
Rolls away.

For Emily.

Look at the stars,

And what will you see?
Do you see a light,

Do you see me?

Tears fall around,

Fall down for me,

But I am not there,

For I am in the breeze.

Take a deep breath,

Can you do that for me,

Remember the feel,

Because now I can breathe.

Look at the flowers,

Look at the bees,

Blink away the tears,

And don't think of me.

I'm not there in the flesh,

I'm free like the sea,

I can't feel any pain,

I can truly be me.

I'm home for Eternity,

Safe in the three,

Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,

So don't cry for me.