And now presenting.....

My first DIGITAL PAINTING!!!!

If you look closely, it says safe.

S.C.H.O.O.L.

I like this dress.....I wanna go to homecoming. SO bad.

Well I figured I might as well blog to my fellow followers about.....SCHOOL!!!!!

I will break it down into categories, so it's easy to understand for ya'll.

Outfit: (Yes, this in fact was a large part of my stress.)
Can I just say that I felt so beautiful today? I think a large part of it, has to do with the fact that I've tried to wear less make up this summer, if I wear any, it's just mascara. And now that I'm wearing my usual full face, I feel gorgeous, but what's more important to me, is that I feel just as pretty when I'm completely make-upless.
Anyways....
My outfit consisted of the following items.
1. Snake Skin Fabriced (It looks cool, not tacky.) Long flowy, non pleather, shirt that I love.
2. Black half sleeved Cardi. Which I LOOVED.
3. My dark washed Jeggings. Nuff said.
4. Peep toed black leather flats. They have flowers on the side that are also black leather flowers. They're edgy, but still sophisticated.
5. MY FREAKING AMAZING PURSE!!!!!!!!!!! .......with grommits (;
Good clothing Day (:

(Basically what I wore. Minus the purple blazer...but I'm going to be getting that!!!!!)

First 3 Class Periods (:
1. I started the day with math. Hooray. My mom calls my math teacher Mr. Fahtiah.......it's a lebanese dish evidently. His name is actually Mr. Wytiaz. He's basically the coolest math teacher. He's super sarcastic....but not the lame kind, where it's just rude. It's like the classic hysterical kind of sarcasm. The first thing he tells us is that if we don't get A's in his class, He's not going to add us on facebook. WTH!?!?!?! (Note: I would usually say wtf, but my mom insisted that it's inappropriate, and that some freaky cyber stalking bully {I.E. her...} wouldn't appreciate it. (: Love ya meeerm. Hahahaha. Anyways. We got our 30 LBS. textbooks, and I decided that textbooks are RETARDED!!!! And then I left class....cause it was over...

2. ORCHESTRA. There's lots of little sophys in there. Which is lame, because last year it was all juniors and seniors, but I guess I've moved up in the rankings, so they're in that same lame stage I was last year. But anyway. We had an AA meeting. It was sort of funny.
Example: This is exactly what I said, because I had been planning it in my head the entire time...no joke.
"Hi. I'm Alex." "(Everybody) HI ALEX!!!!" "It's been three days since my last....that's not appropriate. Just kidding. No. My name is Alex. I'm a junior. And I play violin. In case my seating didn't give that away. If I had a personality color it would be blue with bright yellow polka dots. My favorite thing I did this summer was a 2 way tie between going to montana and going to arizona. Orchestra is the best. basically. but ya. Okay." Hahaha. I'm so lame. Aren't I so cool??? I'm the cool whitey on the block (Hahaha Dommy (: ) And then I talked to my random friends until the bell rang.

Then I walked four big steps....or 11....to my art class (It's just around the corner from orchestra...literally. It's an art hall (;

Anywhoo.

3. AP art....I am so excited for art. If you know me, which most of you do, you know that I am ridiculously into the arts. I love everything about art and music. But art as of the moment. I sketch all the time, because I want to get better.....(or not....)
But I think what I'm looking forward to is to establish my own style. I sort of do right now, but it's easy to manipulate, because I don't have much technical training. But I'm hoping this year will give me that opportunity. (:

Then lunch.

What up with the lunch room? There were like 3 tables. And with there being over 1,000 kids, what were they thinking? So my friends and I ate in the freaking sun. Because it was available. I think I got partially baked, and that's why I keep rambling... Wesley made fun of me as I ate my daily carrot ( Note: I hate carrots. SO much. But I'm convinced that someday I'm going to decide that I love them, and realize that I've missed out on a big aspect of the vegetable world. So I try one every day to see if I like it yet....I never do. And I did that EVERYDAY last year.)
I'm dropping milk at lunch and drinking water instead to see if it helps my system to be a little more hydrated. I think it might help me stay a little more energized if that's possible? Maybe make my pee the correct green color that it's supposed to be?

Hahahaha.

Anyway.

Last period of the day........


CERAMICS!!!!!
Yes. Seriously another art class. I don't know how my schedule happened that way, but it did!! My teacher is so...Unique. She's so theatrical in the way that she speaks. It makes it so fun to listen to her. Because it's similar to listening to an opera. Haha. But today I became familiar with the room, looked in the kiln, (and imagined myself getting trapped in there and getting really...REEALLY hot.) That wouldn't be fun. But I took that class for concurrent enrollment credit. And. It's. Not. A. Concurrent. Enrollment. Class.

Oh well. It should be fun anyway.

Then I stayed after and talked to MR. CLINTON. (I use caps a lot PS) He's basically my favorite teacher. That I've ever had. It's interesting how I can become so close to a teacher in just a year. It's strange because it was just fun to talk to him about silly things like fishing, and school, and teachers, and dances, and boys, and his family, and his football past. (It's pretty impressive) He just really loves to teach, and I think that it's really cool that he WANTS to. He's not there for the money. He's there for the enjoyment of teaching.

(There's me!!!)

Then I came home and crashed on the Lay Z Boy. Turned on Tyra.. ANDD........My power went out. Great. I called both of my parents panicked, and then my neighbors called. Theirs was out too. And then I called Dom. And complained about how my power was out, and how I didn't want to go to school, and how much I wanted my Tyra. X_X

An hour later, it was turned back on, and I had completely missed Tyra. Thanks a lot power guys. You're awesome.....

So I crashed on my parents bed. Pretending to read a book. I wanted Sophie not to...bug me. Hahaha. So I fell asleep with my Ugly Doll under my arm (That I love Nina BTW) (It isn't named yet either....I'm thinking about george........or fredric...........alejandro? Fernando? Roberto? Naaah. He's not mexican silly. He's american!!!!!)

Then I woke up, and talked to my parents about school, ate hamburgers for dinner, that were yummy, made cookies with grommits in them, because they're so in right now, and now I'm blogging.

Pretty good first day.

Love you guys!!!!



PS. You can't get rid of me that fast silly!!!! I think ugly doll might be named grommit.

(It's my Baby!!!!!!)

Good Bye My Sweet Summer.

This is the last evening of my summer, and I'm about ready to cry.

I have had the best summer of my entire life, and I have people to thank for it.

1. NINA MARINA!!!! My best friend.
2. My famdam.
3. Suza. For late night conversations.
4. Dom. for the short while he was there (:
5. Wesley. hahahaha. Spontanious check ups to make sure I'm sane.

I love you Nina. Thank you for making my summer. I love you so much.

Paranoia Check.

If you get more than 30, get some counseling. If you get more than 20, you're paranoid. If you get 11-20, you are normal. If you get 10 or less, you're fearless. People who don't have any are full of crap. Tag 10 of your friends and find out whether or not they suffer paranoia. :) I fear ...
[ ] white people
[ ] black people
[x] the dark
[x] staying single forever
[ x] being a parent
[x ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x ] closed spaces
[ x] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 6
[] being touched
[ x] fire
[ x] deep deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[x ] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[x ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
Total so far: 10
[ ] rain
[ x] wind
[ x] crossing hanging bridges
[ x] death
[ x] heaven
[x] being robbed/mugged
[x] falling
[ x] clowns
[ ] dolls
[] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ x] doctors
[x ] tornadoes
Total so far: 20
[ x] hurricanes
[ x] incurable diseases
[ x] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] life
[ x] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ x] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ x] being alone
[ x] becoming blind
[ x] becoming deaf
[ x] growing up, old
Total so far: 29
[ x] creepy noises in the night
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[x ] needles
[ ] blood Final Total: 31


I'm crazy. Not that it's news to anyone.

Art time.

I have an another AP art project that I need to complete.

Wish me luck!!!!!

Burnt out.

Have you ever realized, that all of your friends are better at everything than you are? Every single little thing.

Somehow I thought I was unique in that I was artistic, and musical. And really, just myself. But I've come to realize, that I'm really not all that special of a person. Every single thing I do, one of my friends is better at, or everything I do rather.

Writing. It's what I do to get my mind off of things when I feel sad or frustrated. And of course. I have a friend who's writing is so amazing, it makes me want to vomit on a regular basis. Suze is such and amazing writer. It's not even fair. Granted, she writes continually, and she basically loves it more than life, I always feel lame when I read her my stuff, because hers will always be so much better.

Music. Oh Hell. I fail at music. I used to think I was the best in the world. Because I've been playing piano since I was 2. Taking lessons since I was 4. Most people think I'd be at concert level by now, but I'm not. Because I'm a lazy ass who hates to practice. Nina's always been better at the violin, and so has suzanna, but the funny thing is, suz, and nina, and I all started guitar at about the same time. I started even before they did. And I quickly fell behind. They're both so damn musical. Nina can read any tab, and be able to play anything. And Suz can play anything just by ear. I'm sick of music. Thank goodness I decided to take orchestra....

Art. Oh goody. I suck. Maryn obviously is an art god. But suzanna and my styles are so different, and so similar, that it sucks that she's so much better than me. Not that it's a hard thing to accomplish...

Poetry.. Hahahahahaha. Nina is crazy amazing at it. I don't know why I'm even comparin myself to her. It's not even right, because if I think about it, she's always been better at it.

Being smart. I've always struggled with math, and of course, suzanna is taking calculus. As I REPEAT It again, because I was too big of an idiot to get it the first time around.

Photography. Nina's better at it. Hahah. Not that that's a surprise.

Basically I'm kind of talentless. All of my friends are amazing at everything, so I'll just hide in their shadows. It's easier to do anyway.

Oh well.

Naptime.

I always forget how much better I feel when I sleep...Then I wake up.

Clown.

It's the next day.

And after,

A restless,

Stupid,

Disappointing night,

I wish,

That just for a second,

I could be,

Someone else.

Someone that knew,

From the bottom,

Of her sick,

Shallow heart,

That something good,

Just might happen,

If she trusted,

In something,

For more,

Than just a few seconds.

So now,

She's off,

To go roading,

With an instructor,

She's not going,

To talk with him,

She's too busy,

Thinking about,

The potential,

That she destroyed.

She's a clown,

A fake,

A barbie,

Smiling,

Laughing,

But not actually,

Feeling anything.

She's a poser,

Hiding behind,

Her clown make up,

Hoping no one,

Will see,

How broken,

She is,

Underneath.

h.

Safely Under the Guidence of my Loving Father....God.

(This is the Cathedral. The picture doesn't serve it's purpose. But it's Beautiful!!!)

Today I went to the Cathedral with my family for church. Which I loved. I have always loved the cathedral. The entire atmosphere. It's as if all of the weight that I carry around is lifted whenever I step inside of there, because I know God can hear me. Not to say going to say St. Catherine's isn't amazing. But I'll get to that later.

This day marks the date as a year of one of the biggest religious journeys of my entire life.

It started at the Cathedral.

It ended at the Cathedral.

But today for me was so special.

Anyways. The atmosphere of the Cathedral has always been soothing for me. It might be the artwork, it might be the architecture, but I know what it really is. The presence of God. There's something about being in a religiously sacred place that reminds me of my all loving Father in Heaven. My God.

Today the homily was about Our Virgin Mother's Assumption into Heaven. And it was so beautiful. I have always loved Mary. Since I was a little girl. Never questioned the Mother of our Christ. But the Assumption is so amazing. Her pure Body and Spirit went straight into heaven. Just like Jesus. The priest said something that I found fascinating. "You ask for me to pray for you. And I ask you to pray for me. But a lot of the time, we don't ask our Mother in Heaven to pray for us. When Peter is closing the doors of heaven, Mary is opening windows. She is the moon, and so reflects the love of Christ into each and every one of us." I knew in my heart that I need something extra, so after I had the Eucharist, I prayed to Her. I prayed for stregth, for my families safety, to give Chris a kiss for me, but most importantly, to make me feel love again. It's not that I don't get love from home. My parents love me, and so do my siblings and cousins, and grandparents. That's not what's in question. I don't remember what it's like to love myself. And I know it makes God feel sad for me. He helps me in every way possible, but sometimes, or a lot of the time, I'm blind to the gifts He gives me. So I prayed for self love. Something I know that if I pray for, and work for, will establish over time.

I live in the heart of Mormon Valley, and so sometimes I wonder if I have the wrong idea, or if for whatever reason, I'm so far out, that I'll never understand. Ignorance is so painful. Because I get scorned for wearing a cross. Like I'm worshiping Jesus' death. Which is sick. And messed up. So I always have something that I know that they don't understand. The appreciation, and love for the crucifix. Jesus died for each and every one of us. He died a terrible painful death, and suffered. SUFFERED!!! That word has so much significance. When He spread his arms between heaven and earth. By remembering how He suffered, I remember how much He loves me. That's what the cross I wear means to me. Love. Love of Christ. That's something that I have that they don't. The understanding of Christ's life. It's not just the Atonement. I feel like that word doesn't serve Him justice. It's the Death and Ressurection into Heaven. Isn't that so amazing?

I had my Purity Ring blessed today. It's not even that sex is a big temptation for me. It's that I'm such a push over, and I know that, and I know that God knows that. So I pray that by having God and His blessing in my ring, I'll be able to feel strong.

I teach Sunday School at my local church. And this year, I get to teach all by myself. I am so excited. With little kids, they don't doubt God's existence. It's just part of life. "I know God lives, and that He loves me." Every Sunday last year, I sang this song with my cute little first graders.

Jesus loves me,

Yes I know.

For the Bible tells me so,

Little ones that He belongs,

We are WEAK,

But He is STRONG!!!!!!!

We would sing it over and over in different types of voices. Most of the time we would end up giggling at the silliness of it all. But little did I know that when I felt sad, those words would sing in my heart. They sang especially loud last night when I felt all alone. Lortab makes me feel paranoid, and nervous, and really, scared. So as I pulled my blankets around me, I started singing this song, and I got tired, and fell asleep, and didn't have any nightmares.

God is one of the biggest parts of my life. I don't need to formally pray every time I pray. Although it's nice to do the Sign of the Cross whenever I can, I pray before i eat, take tests, get ready to sleep, feel scared, stressed, depressed, happy. Even if it's a "God. Please. I need you to help me right now." I'm confident in the fact that He hears me, because for whatever reason, it always works out in the end. And I don't think that it's by any odd coincidence.

Sometimes, when I feel like I'm allowing my life to get out of control, like when I get crazy depressed, it's hard for me to remember that we all have our Crosses in life to bear. Whether it be a crazy ex, pyscho parents, insane depression, annoying siblings, starving, being homeless, all alone in a scary pregnancy, not having a friend in the world, or even having a drug addiction. We all need to remember. Suffering is part of it all.

A very wise friend (who was also my priest) said something in a confessional that kind of put it all in perspective for me.

"God doesn't make us suffer. He allows us to suffer to better understand what Christ went through on the Cross."

And that friends is as simple as it is. God doesn't make us do anything. He gave us free agency, but He allows things to happen as lessons, or as examples to how to lead our lives.

I can't wait to meet Him someday.

I love my God.

The Lord is my Sheperd. There is nothing I shall want.

Simplicity at it's Best.

As I was sitting, and laying awake last night, I came across a realization that made me feel small, and insignificant.

I haven't been through anything. . . .

At all...

I realized as I was laying awake, that I haven't been through anything at all, that would make me depressed, make me want to hurt myself, or make me feel worthless. I look at my friends, and their stories, a lot of them of strength and trial, and they've handled it far better than I have. As they've experienced more heartache and pain than I have.

For instance....

My best friend Nina. Probably the most amazing girl in the entire world. She's kind of felt like the black sheep of what her parents want her to be, which if you've ever been there, we all know is completely sucky. She tries to be an individual, because she has her own mind. But when you have you're own mind, a lot of the time, you get shut down, because conformity is easier to control. Love has always hurt her. If I could personally beat all the scum that has hurt her in her life, I would be content. And yet she still fights to be happy. I'm not going to list all of what I see as her problems in her life, because that's rude, and non appreciated. Hahah. But neen knows I would support her through Hell and back, and if I had to go die for her I would.

Suzanna. I don't know how she does it. Really. She learned that she was moving to north carolina and handled it very well, might I add. Then, 2 months later, her parents informed her, that they no longer believe in the church that they were attending, and never really had. This, in my opinion, is why it's so hard for Suzanna right now. God in my life, is everything. He was everything in her life too, until she started doubting it, and stopped believing it all together, because she didn't have any religious support. God is someone to turn to in times of wonderful happiness, and times of great tragedy. For Suzanna, He was her Rock. And she loved Him, and never doubted Him. Even when she started getting depressed at the beginning of high school, she would pray, and then she would feel better, because she knew like I knew, that God has a reason for everything. And then she started to feel like she was being personally attacked by her parents about not being able to let go of Utah. Umm.....HELLO!!!! She freaking lived her for 15 and 1/2 years of her life. She had to leave her best friend, her almost boyfriend, her home/somewhere she knew was home, and not to mention all of her friends and her entire life here. If she forgot about me, or even forgot about her life here, I would be devestated. (See? more about me... :/) Suzi. I love you, and I just want you to feel happy again. Really happy.

Michael Draper. Is probably the most amazing person in the entire world. I don't know much about his past, but I do know he know about the real struggles of life. Where you're worried about getting pulled into Foster Care. And completely forgotten. He's worked for everything he has, and is the most giving person in the entire world. He knows the world of real loss, and the world of real love. Because when you're worried about making it to the next day, you learn how to appreciate the small things. Mike. You're an inspiration.

Dom. I don't know how he does what he does. When he explained to me the situation with his father, it really made me appreciate the family that I have, and the way they work. He loves his Mom more than anyone in the entire world. And he's just so kick ass, even though life pulled a fast one over him. The only thing I see as being a fatality to his great personage, would be the rage that he holds inside for what his dad did to him. I fear that if he doesn't let it go, it'll make him blow. Kind of like the coke and mentos theory. And it won't be in front of his dad. I can promise that. It'll be in front of someone he loves. Dommy. You know I love you. You need to let it go. Let go of the pain. Don't forget it, but let it go. Let it be a model as the kind of father you don't want to be. I can tell you this much. You've learned something. And I know you well enough to where if you were married, and had a family, you would be an amazing father. I do know this. From the bottom of my heart.

My little sister Sophie. Her journey in life has always made me even more protective over her. When she was little, she had terrible allergies. She sounded stuffy a lot, and people used to make fun of her voice. And she allowed it. As she got older, her friends backstabbed her. Jessie for Billy, Chloe for Rachel, Maree for Chloe and Rachel. Jessie came around, and has proved herself as a real friend. And then her constant battle with headaches her entire life. We didn't know at the time, but she had a condition that made her have these continual headaches. So she went into the hospital to have a small surgery that had a 50/50 chance of working. And she knew that. For her, it didn't work. And it made her very sick for a couple of days. Then, she decided to get a device placed, so that the headaches would stop. This made everything so much worse for the first couple of weeks. She was so sick. I thought she was going to die. And it was so freaky. But, as we all know, she's very much so alive, and I couldn't love her any more than I do.

The thing is I complain a lot. So really if you think about it. I've been through all the normal things of life, and I'm just a big baby about it.

Letter to my SUPER AMAZING SISTER!!!!!

(Isn't she such a beauty??)

Hi Sophie!!!!

Guess what?? I love you!!!! I was just at Koa's house and I thought about you while I was there, because I hate leaving you all the time. It probably sucks for you. So I was wondering. Do you wanna go shopping on Monday or Tuesday? Just me and you, and some yummy mall fun?

You're almost 14, which is crazy to me, because I totally remember what it was like to be fourteen. It wasn't that long ago sweet cheeks. It's sort of fun, but mostly kind of interesting. Freshman year is fun. I think you'll like it a lot. I know I LOOOVVED my Ninth grade year. It was full of dances, and boys, and clothes, and drama, and make up. (Psst. My first kiss was at the END of ninth grade) So let me help you get excited for school!!!! We'll buy some basic tees and decorate them, and wear them. Because that is what we do with clothes. If you want to borrow make up, just go into my make up bag, and use what you will (Even when I get mad because it's early morning, and I am NOT a morning person. (: ). I can even show you a thing or two.

I want you to feel safe and beautiful inside of your own skin. Because I think what I see, and what you see are very different. I see a STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL, funny, bright, SKINNY, fun, happy almost 14 year old. And you see frustration. Because your body isn't how you want it. Or your hair isn't working out perfectly. Or you even feel lonely. It's TOTALLY NORMAL to feel that way, but just know I went through it too, and it's cool if you talk to me about it. Because periods, and boobs, and boys, and make up, and bodies aren't nearly as awesome unless you talk to your 16 year old sister.

Sophie. I know sometimes you feel lonely, but I love you. And I know I've been bitter and awnry lately, and I don't even know why, but it's not okay. you're in a stupid stage of life, and you need all the support you can get. Mom, and Sara, and Me, and PJ, and Daddy all have your back, and love you so incredibly much. I can't tell you how much I love saying, "Sophie? Yeaaah!!! She's MY LITTLE SISTER!!!!!" Because your awesome. (PS Our brother, PJ, is AMAZING to talk to about anything. He's a good listener and gives excellent advice. But so does mom)

I know I'm not always friendly (and sometimes I'm just downright mean) about you hanging out with Nina and me, but sometimes, or lots of the time, I think of you as so much younger, because it seems too weird for you to be getting older. It seems unnatural for me. But it's not. If you weren't growing up, it'd be odd. So you're good!!! I'll try to invite you to do more with Nina and Me, because I know you love nina too. (Cause she's fabulouso!!!)

Don't let other girls be beotches to you!!! That's never okay!!! Not even Jessie. I know she's your bestie, so sometimes she can get away with it, but girly, give some attitude!!! Stay sweet, but when someone is pushing your buttons, put them in their place.I feel like I need to protect you from the world, but in reality.

You're growing up. You're so much better of a person that I ever was. And that makes me so so proud of you. There are somethings that I regret, but I can't take back. Never regret who you are, but what you have become. Watching your battles with you headaches, your struggles in school, and your determination to stay happy really inspire me. I look up to you as a role model, because you are such a good person. Inside and Out.

Fofo, seriously, if I didn't have you, I would go insane. It'd be too weird to not have an awesome little sister around. You've introduced me to the wonderful world of DS, which I have enjoyed in the late hours in the evening when I can't (or can and don't want to) sleep. And you were so sweet to give me that DS for Christmas. It was such a fun gift!!!

Remember how talented you are!!! It's amazing watching you play piano. I can say you're better than me, because you want to get better. And that is so cool!!! Not to mention Tae Kwon Do (Is that how you spell it?) It's awesome coming to your belt testings, because you're getting so good, and progressing really fast.

I guess what I'm trying to say in lots of words, is I love you.

I love Sophia Eugena Judd! She's Beatiful. She's smart. She's kind. She's funny.
But most importantly.

She's my hero.

I love you sister.



So much it's unhealthy.More than a fat boy loves twinkies.
Love you!!!
Love,

Alex~

P.S. You're amazing.

So tired.

I feel like I'm going to cry. I'm so tired, and defeated.

Not to mention I'm being followed.

Poem.

Empty sockets,

Like my heart,

Is the result,

Of what tears me apart.

Conflicting emotions,

I'm never quite sure,

Of the proper resolution,

To sew me back to one.

Break my heart,

Or take it away,

I can't really think,

Of a perfect compromise.

Shaking with pain,

It's deep in my jaw,

Or is it that hole,

That's eating my heart?

Learning to love,

And try to move on,

Trying to breathe,

And cry for once.

Tired and groggy,

Hungry and weak,

I'm falling apart,

At my seams.

Wisdom Teeth.

Basically so scared.

I've never been put under, on on mind altering meds.

So don't expect me to blog for a while.

Miss you guys!!!

Love you!!!!!