Missing.

I really really really miss being a creator. I used to pride myself with the label "Painter." But now that I haven't painted in so long my brushes are sad, and my paints are drying, I feel like I need to start anew. I'm going to paint tonight. Dave can dremel. I'll paint a picture. I have no idea what to paint. But I miss that part of me. Maybe I'll just watercolor. Finish what I was never brave enough to finish. Assuming I still have my reference picture. I don't know. I need something to make me feel less nervous. I'm really nervous for my kayaking trip tomorrow. What if something goes horribly wrong? I know this is horrible...I shouldn't think this way. But I'm truly afraid. Also. College is really hard. I'm dropping out and joining the circus.

My Little Piece of Heaven.

I'm sitting here, sipping on some of the yummiest hot chocolate I've had in a long time, feeling totally at peace with myself. I believe that the atmosphere of an environment can greatly change an overall experience. That being said. I'm kind of a coffee brat.
 When I woke up, and was in desperate need of coffee this morning. I wasn't really sure where I should go.

Don't get me wrong. Starbucks was my first love, when it came to coffee. And I respect them for that. And a lot of the time, I love spending my time there. But there are Starbucks nationwide. And I love to support smaller coffeeshops anyway.

I love Coffeepod's coffee with all my heart. They have really yummy coffee, and it's all pretty cheap. They also have amazing italian sodas, host open mic poetry nights, and are really welcoming to all the coffee drinking weirdos in utah valley. That being said. I've met some pretty wacky people there, and I just need a small break before I revisit good ol' Coffeepod.

High Vibes Coffee and Crystals is a fun place! They are really influenced by eastern philosophy, which I think is pretty cool. They legitimately have crystals, and all natural ways for emotional healing. And sometimes, they even offer classes. The only thing I've ever had there was a smoothie. It was good, but a little expensive. I'll probably go back soon enough.

But now, I'm sitting at one of the happiest coffee shops I've ever been to. There's lots of comfortable chairs to sit in. There's more rooms upstairs, and downstairs. They have cute mugs to choose from if you're going to stay here. They keep your stamp cards for you so you don't lose them. And free Wifi! The baristas are all really really nice. In fact, the barista that helped me made me feel better today. I was feeling kind of down when I arrived, and now I feel good. And, they offer an LDS menu, filled with herbal teas, hot chocolates, and italian sodas. I'm really excited to bring Dave here. He knows how much I love the coffeeshop experience, and so to find one that plays old time music and smooth enjoyable music, comfortable chairs, offers magazines to read, and has some good places to study, oh man, I think he'll be just as excited as I am. This is the kind of coffeeshop I hope to sit in when I decide to write a self reflective book. Or find myself enough to start painting again.

Where is this place?

It's called Timpanogos Caffee. It's right after 1600 North in orem. So if you're looking for a happy little place to go, come here. Drink some delicious hot chocolate. And smile to yourself, because there's still a little bit of heaven in Orem.

Sunday Confessions

I bought a beautiful wedding dress that I was sure I was going to wear on my wedding day. Then my friend needed a dress to get married. So I let her wear it for her special moment. And now I feel like i can't wear it for my own.

Today has been a really emotional day for me. I really lost my shit. I'm sick of feeling this sad. And I'm not really entirely sure why. I've resolved all of the little bumps in the road. So i'm not really sure as to what I'm supposed to do to make it all okay right now.

College. Sucks. 

I want to work as a CNA.

Sara really really really helped me today. I love that I finally feel like I can call her when I need sound advice that only a big sister can give.

Mazzy Star still makes me cry sometimes.

 May/June feels really far away.

I want rain.

I wish someone were here cuddling me.

I'm sleepy.

Thoughts On a Wednesday Morning.

Waking up today was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not really sure why either. I haven't been staying up terribly late, but I feel like I've been beaten recently. Knocked down by life. And every time I get back up. And I'm on my knees ready to stand, the tendinitis in my ankle makes me fall back down....so to speak. (Although I really do have tendinitis, which I will explain later.)

Sometimes feeling good about what my dreams and aspirations are is hard. Because I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I know I love to write. I love to paint. I love psychology. I love taking care of people. So I could be a nurse. An artist. A psychiatrist. A creative writing teacher. But I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing right now. And I know. Everyone is telling me "Alex. That's the entire point of generals." But  I almost feel like generals screwed me over, because I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a nurse. No questions asked. And now I have no idea.

I need to get a different job. Don't get me wrong. I'm so thankful to even have a job. Seriously. So blessed. But I have my CNA, and I would like to gain some valuable experience somewhere, so I could maybe get a job at IHC at some point within the next few years, while I try to figure out what I want to do. I'm just afraid. I'm not really sure either. I loved my classes to become a CNA. I did really well in clinicals. I got 90% on my written for the state exam. I know my crap. But I don't know why I'm hesitating. Maybe I'm afraid that if I get a real job, that I won't do well in school anymore. Because I don't really trust my study habits.

Tendinitis. Really. HURTS!!! Holy cow. I had no idea it was this painful. I've always kind of had problems with my ankles. I personally think it's because my feet are so big, so the weight distribution is mostly over my ankles....that's not actually the case. I think it has more to do with the fact that I A) walk on the outsides of my feet, not over the balanced triangle that you're supposed to, or B) My serious slouching problems are starting to affect other parts of my body. I've been limping around for the last several days now. It's finally starting to feel a little better. But I can see why my sister wore splints a lot when she would have problems with her ankles.

Fall is on it's way. Which I'm thankful for. Don't get me wrong. I love shorts, tank tops, swimming, flip flops, messy buns, no make up, skinny waists, tan skin, freckles coming out of hiding. All of it. But there's something about all the colors and chilliness of fall that makes it so magical. Also, it makes cuddling bearable. When you're engaged to the biggest space heater on the face of the earth, cuddling in the summer feels like snuggling with the sun.

It seems like Dave and I are looking at a spring/early summer wedding. It's really exciting, but nerve-racking at the same time. I mean, 9-months feels like light years away. But realistically, that's less than 2 semesters. And I've never lived away from home. In my entire life. But I'm excited for all the little details. I know I want an ivory dress. I love ivory. And I know what songs I want to play at my wedding. But all the things like invitations, catering, ceremony poop, venues, and the whole enchilada are really overwhelming. But we'll figure it out. I think what I'm most excited for is perfecting our kisses so that on our wedding day, it's magical. Although they are right now....but still. Perfect kiss? Bring it.

I'm so tired. I want to fall asleep. And maybe I will go home and take a nap. I don't really feel that good right now. I feel really drained, and a little sad. I think I'm on an emotion hangover.

I want another tattoo really bad. And I think I know what I want to get. But I want to be smart about it. And wait it out for a little bit. By that same token, I want to be a dumbass, and just get the damn thing. I don't really care about what anyone else thinks about it. I'm the one that has to look at it for the rest of my life. I'm the only person that's going to be staring at myself naked in the mirror. (At least until I get married.)

My engagement ring is absolutely stunning. I love it so much. Dave, sweetheart, you did really good. I can't believe you picked it out on your own. You know me so well.

That's it for now. I'm feeling sort of sick to my stomach. I need to go take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night. I think I had a nightmare. I don't really know. I just woke up startled and a little sweaty.

Have a good wednesday. (Also. Happy Hump day.)

Song of My Heart.

So I was wrong. So wrong I can't even believe it. I found the song that sings to me no matter what mood I'm in. And it always makes me think of Dave.

This song makes me cry every single time. No matter what.

I really want to dance to this song at my wedding, but I feel like it's almost too personal. Like it's nothing I want my family and friends to see in my moment. Maybe I'm really tired.....

Hold Onto What You Believe.

Even when it's so hard, it squishes your guts.

I'm designing another tattoo. My baby tattoo isn't cutting it for me. I'm going to wait for a while on this one. I want to be sure that I really really want it. But I figure, as long as each of my tattoos have meaning, than I'm using my body as a canvas. I am in no way mutilating my body. I'm using it as an instrument of self expression and reflection.

"But ummm. Alex. What if you hate it in ten or twenty years? What about when you're seventy, and it looks like a raisin?"

That thought has crossed my mind, thank you very much. But I figure by the time I'm old and wrinkly, I'll have so much more to worry about than an old tattoo that looks like a liver spot anyway.

Day 22: A Letter.

I don't feel like addressing you like a letter, because you are scum.

For the last two years, I've been recovering. From the actions you felt so compelled to act on that Tuesday, on this date. I was left in the aftermath trying to get my shit together, and just get over it. Just stop hurting. But do you know what I keep learning over and over? It will NEVER stop hurting. No matter how much I pretend like I'll be okay. You left a deep scar. Surface level? Hell yeah, I'm okay. But I have a metaphorical abscess. And sometimes the infection takes over my brain as I try to fall asleep. It haunts me. It screams at me in the middle of the night. Or as I'm walking on a dark street. But I still fell in love. I'm still engaged. I still have to wake up every morning and thank God for every second that I have. Because life is short and sweet. And sometimes it's a little complicated. You complicated my life. Broke it even. And left me to pick up all my pieces. Spit on my pieces. You looked at me in the eyes. And you lied. And you got away with you. Congratulations. You are a world class liar. World class scum. Today. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay. I want to scream. F*CK YOU!! over and over and over and over and over again, until it possesses my body. But I don't want to give you that much credit. It hurts more this year. Last year I had hope that something would happen. And I sat there. Watched you lie. Watched you get away with it. But. I do know this. God has my back. And though I believe in the power of forgiveness. I do not feel ready to do that yet. And I can't say when I will. It will take years. It's taken me years to be able to walk in the dark without my mom on the phone, and not clutch my pepperspray with a deathgrip. But wanna know what's crazy? No matter how much I don't want to be okay, and I want to have time to grieve a sense of loss and pain, I am so okay sometimes it shocks me. Everyday, I wake up, give my little sister a hug, give my fiance a kiss. Tell my mom I love her. I go to school, have a steady job, and have time to work on homework and do well in school. I have an incredible love with my fiance, hell, we're getting married. So really. If I have anything left to say to you. It's this....

I'm very sorry for you.

Because you are a pathetic excuse of a human being.

I'll stay happy.

I'll get married.

I'll graduate college.

Maybe even graduate school.

Have beautiful babies.

Be super successful in whatever it is that I want to be.

This will not bother me everyday for the rest of my life.

I will lead an incredible life.

And you will be left as a weak memory.

A "Oh my. That was a weird time in my life."

And that's it.

So go now.

Feel the weight of your actions.

I'll be free.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I'm going to go snuggle with my fiance.

I'm going to go to work tonight.

I'm going to give my mommy a big hug.

And I'm not going to think of this dark day, two years ago.