Waking up today was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not really sure why either. I haven't been staying up terribly late, but I feel like I've been beaten recently. Knocked down by life. And every time I get back up. And I'm on my knees ready to stand, the tendinitis in my ankle makes me fall back down....so to speak. (Although I really do have tendinitis, which I will explain later.)
Sometimes feeling good about what my dreams and aspirations are is hard. Because I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I know I love to write. I love to paint. I love psychology. I love taking care of people. So I could be a nurse. An artist. A psychiatrist. A creative writing teacher. But I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing right now. And I know. Everyone is telling me "Alex. That's the entire point of generals." But I almost feel like generals screwed me over, because I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a nurse. No questions asked. And now I have no idea.
I need to get a different job. Don't get me wrong. I'm so thankful to even have a job. Seriously. So blessed. But I have my CNA, and I would like to gain some valuable experience somewhere, so I could maybe get a job at IHC at some point within the next few years, while I try to figure out what I want to do. I'm just afraid. I'm not really sure either. I loved my classes to become a CNA. I did really well in clinicals. I got 90% on my written for the state exam. I know my crap. But I don't know why I'm hesitating. Maybe I'm afraid that if I get a real job, that I won't do well in school anymore. Because I don't really trust my study habits.
Tendinitis. Really. HURTS!!! Holy cow. I had no idea it was this painful. I've always kind of had problems with my ankles. I personally think it's because my feet are so big, so the weight distribution is mostly over my ankles....that's not actually the case. I think it has more to do with the fact that I A) walk on the outsides of my feet, not over the balanced triangle that you're supposed to, or B) My serious slouching problems are starting to affect other parts of my body. I've been limping around for the last several days now. It's finally starting to feel a little better. But I can see why my sister wore splints a lot when she would have problems with her ankles.
Fall is on it's way. Which I'm thankful for. Don't get me wrong. I love shorts, tank tops, swimming, flip flops, messy buns, no make up, skinny waists, tan skin, freckles coming out of hiding. All of it. But there's something about all the colors and chilliness of fall that makes it so magical. Also, it makes cuddling bearable. When you're engaged to the biggest space heater on the face of the earth, cuddling in the summer feels like snuggling with the sun.
It seems like Dave and I are looking at a spring/early summer wedding. It's really exciting, but nerve-racking at the same time. I mean, 9-months feels like light years away. But realistically, that's less than 2 semesters. And I've never lived away from home. In my entire life. But I'm excited for all the little details. I know I want an ivory dress. I love ivory. And I know what songs I want to play at my wedding. But all the things like invitations, catering, ceremony poop, venues, and the whole enchilada are really overwhelming. But we'll figure it out. I think what I'm most excited for is perfecting our kisses so that on our wedding day, it's magical. Although they are right now....but still. Perfect kiss? Bring it.
I'm so tired. I want to fall asleep. And maybe I will go home and take a nap. I don't really feel that good right now. I feel really drained, and a little sad. I think I'm on an emotion hangover.
I want another tattoo really bad. And I think I know what I want to get. But I want to be smart about it. And wait it out for a little bit. By that same token, I want to be a dumbass, and just get the damn thing. I don't really care about what anyone else thinks about it. I'm the one that has to look at it for the rest of my life. I'm the only person that's going to be staring at myself naked in the mirror. (At least until I get married.)
My engagement ring is absolutely stunning. I love it so much. Dave, sweetheart, you did really good. I can't believe you picked it out on your own. You know me so well.
That's it for now. I'm feeling sort of sick to my stomach. I need to go take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night. I think I had a nightmare. I don't really know. I just woke up startled and a little sweaty.
Have a good wednesday. (Also. Happy Hump day.)
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