Day 22: A Letter.

I don't feel like addressing you like a letter, because you are scum.

For the last two years, I've been recovering. From the actions you felt so compelled to act on that Tuesday, on this date. I was left in the aftermath trying to get my shit together, and just get over it. Just stop hurting. But do you know what I keep learning over and over? It will NEVER stop hurting. No matter how much I pretend like I'll be okay. You left a deep scar. Surface level? Hell yeah, I'm okay. But I have a metaphorical abscess. And sometimes the infection takes over my brain as I try to fall asleep. It haunts me. It screams at me in the middle of the night. Or as I'm walking on a dark street. But I still fell in love. I'm still engaged. I still have to wake up every morning and thank God for every second that I have. Because life is short and sweet. And sometimes it's a little complicated. You complicated my life. Broke it even. And left me to pick up all my pieces. Spit on my pieces. You looked at me in the eyes. And you lied. And you got away with you. Congratulations. You are a world class liar. World class scum. Today. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay. I want to scream. F*CK YOU!! over and over and over and over and over again, until it possesses my body. But I don't want to give you that much credit. It hurts more this year. Last year I had hope that something would happen. And I sat there. Watched you lie. Watched you get away with it. But. I do know this. God has my back. And though I believe in the power of forgiveness. I do not feel ready to do that yet. And I can't say when I will. It will take years. It's taken me years to be able to walk in the dark without my mom on the phone, and not clutch my pepperspray with a deathgrip. But wanna know what's crazy? No matter how much I don't want to be okay, and I want to have time to grieve a sense of loss and pain, I am so okay sometimes it shocks me. Everyday, I wake up, give my little sister a hug, give my fiance a kiss. Tell my mom I love her. I go to school, have a steady job, and have time to work on homework and do well in school. I have an incredible love with my fiance, hell, we're getting married. So really. If I have anything left to say to you. It's this....

I'm very sorry for you.

Because you are a pathetic excuse of a human being.

I'll stay happy.

I'll get married.

I'll graduate college.

Maybe even graduate school.

Have beautiful babies.

Be super successful in whatever it is that I want to be.

This will not bother me everyday for the rest of my life.

I will lead an incredible life.

And you will be left as a weak memory.

A "Oh my. That was a weird time in my life."

And that's it.

So go now.

Feel the weight of your actions.

I'll be free.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I'm going to go snuggle with my fiance.

I'm going to go to work tonight.

I'm going to give my mommy a big hug.

And I'm not going to think of this dark day, two years ago.