We spend our entire lives trying to gain control. Control of our bodies. Control of our minds. Control of our emotions. We fight for independence, and a sense self. We find independence in little things that we do that free us every single day. Things that make us value our very hearts and souls. There are moments in our lives that bring us to our knees. Moments that knock you flat on your ass, and you aren't sure what to do next. Life is all about self-control. And wanna know what's crazy? We never really reach it.
Right when we are done with the fight of life, and things are finally smooth and consistent, our bodies age. Our minds age. Your partner dies, and you are alone. You are sick. Your skin is weak, and bleeds. You can't remember things anymore.
You can't remember the last thing you ate.
You don't remember to use the bathroom.
Every morning you wake up in an unfamiliar place.
You meet these people in green shirts, that inform you that they are going to rotate you, and check your brief...because you can't control your bowels anymore.
You are embarrassed, but you can't remember why.
You roll, and it hurts. You cry out, they apologize.
And then you completely give up your control. You fight to control your last breath. And you're dead. You are free. You don't hurt anymore. You remember things with crystal clarity. You meet the love of your life for the first time in 30 years.
Working in assisted living is really hard sometimes. I've reach a point where I realize death is an unavoidable part of life, no matter how painful it is. Death is inevitable. The idea of dying still really frightens me. I've seen people completely deteriorate, and it's still hard to think that I will never see their white curly hair, or toothless grin again. I know they are better off. They don't hurt anymore. They have their memories and their minds back. They don't have the feel the shame and embarrassment of a 19 year old girl wiping their bum, because they don't have the control to use the bathroom on their own anymore. I pray with all my heart that it never happens to anyone that I love. That they will have the dignity of living independently in their own homes and still having bowel control, and dying in a place that they know. A place that they've experienced the essence of life.
Life is so beautiful. And so fragile.
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