2 Words

Harness. Boner.

Dresses and The Like

We Call This Love.

when your heart skips.

beats loud.

tears fall.

out of sheer joy.

when everything falls.

in it's right place.

because we're.

forever.

Merry Christmas Best Friend

I know it's lame to respond to a blog post, that you responded to, that now I'm responding to, but maybe this isn't a terrible form of communication.

I miss your guts. Especially right now.

But Christmas is upon us.

And I still need to find you something.

I'm a terrible best friend.

So I'm wishing you a beautiful, and merry Christmas.

I hope you find peace and happiness.

But anticipate something in the mail soon (:

Silence.

I don't know how it's so easy t0 forget how you were, and who you were, before everything changed. I don't blame you for anything. You were yanked very young from your plug. The lights were shut of forever. There was nothing worth remembering if you could never revisit that chapter of your life. I wish I could fix that. You were so much happier when you had something worth believing in.

But remember who you are now. Because I love the person you are now. Just as I loved who you were then. I will love you no matter who you become.

But let's stop the silence. We never talk anymore. You only call on me when you need me. Not just to talk and enjoy the sound of each other's voices anymore. And quite frankly. You don't know anything about my life anymore. And that's alright. Because you're falling quietly. But let me catch you, if nothing else. Let's come back to the happy medium where I complain a little, you complain a little, we eat Hagen Daaz, ogle over hot men, and giggle about all of our inside jokes. We may be getting older, but we're still part of the legacy of little girls we were when we were 4.

I miss you sweetheart. Lots. And I want you to feel happy. So go to church. Buy a new dress. Stay at home for a semester. Find a new roommate you adore. I love you so much my sweet, beautiful, worthwhile, amazing, intelligent bestie. I just wish you could see it.

You need me.

I need you.

But for now.

Silence.

I love you Crust.

Out of Touch

Do you even know anything about me anymore?
Do you even remember me?

Homeworkisms

I'm currently behind in school, thanks to my lack of effort, and inability to want to show up for school. Oops. My bad. But through some kind of immaculate grace, and decent reasoning on my part, my teachers are allowing me to make up all my missed work. However, now I have so much to do, I'm a tiny bit overwhelmed.

1:07PM

I've finished the Current Issues blog.

Now time for Med Anat and Phys. to write about medical ethics. Bleeeeeh.

1:16PM

Working on the medical ethics paper. Doctors can be so sick. Seriously, who do you think you're fooling? Fat injections from YOUR body? Really. Also, really loving Ludovico Einaudi. Thank you Juliana for introducing me!!!

Really missing him right now....

1:21PM

Ludovico Einaudi has a song called Alexandria. It is absolutely STUNNING.

1:46PM

Headache has managed to find me again. This is the fourth day with this damn thing. Please kill me. Seriously, why can't he be here, holding my hand, distracting me, or rubbing my temples?

On A Day Like Today....

On a day like today...

I wish you were here with me.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

A bath filled with bubbles.

My hair in a curly mess.

All my make up off.

Clean teeth.

Wearing comfy panties.

My daddy's old orange T shirt.

Dreaming of us in Spokane.

Makes everything feel.

Alright.

Black Freaking Friday.

So. Basically. I joined the madness of black friday.

All of my little cousins and I got up, and shopped the hell outta our minds.

I got a cute lace blazer.

And pants.

And some other shit I don't care to write about.

Wanna know the best part?

My sleep meds hadn't worn off yet.

So I don't remember anything before 9 AM.

Quote of the Day

"I'm putting you in my pocket."

-Dave

"That's okay. You were just in my bra..."

-Alex

hahahahahahahaha.

Evening

Snow is falling softly to the ground.

Getting caught in my eyelashes.

Caught in my hair.

Stop for just a second.

Pay a tribute to my junior high self.

How To: Fart On Your Sister.

1. Wait until you have sufficient gas.

2. Manifest a decent fart.

3. Pretend to hug sister and sit on her lap.

4. Fart.

5. Run like hell.

Oops. I Did It Again.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I fucking hate it when I'm in depressives. It hurts like hell, and makes me feel so unmotivated to be alive, much less do anything of any sort of value. I cried for a different reason last night. Usually I cry in self pity, and my lack of self worth and yada yada. But last night was from hurt. Because I realize no one can trust me. I feel sometimes like my personality is torn between 2 people.
There's adult Alex. The one who wants to do well in school, knows she should go to work, wants to be successful, go to med school, accomplish great things, fall in love, get married, attempt to reproduce.
And there's child Alex. The one who could give a shit about school, stays up too late, has bad habits, doesn't trust herself, falls victim to misery.

But my two individuals are so intertwined that I feel like they are wrapping themselves around my neck, until my veins collapse, and my arteries are blocked off, making me have to start over again.

All of my terrible habits. The ones that make me feel shame, and dirty, are all coming back. I don't know why they are right now. I'm not myself right now. I'm trapped in this paradoxical sadness, and if I understood the source, I might be able to control it.

I guess that's the best way to describe what's going on with me. I'm completely out of control of myself. Because I don't care. At all. I suppose a little ray of me does, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, but I want to feel like I care about the grades I receive, the degree I want to accomplish at some point, where I'm going to live, whether or not I'm going to join the military. I want to feel confident, and sure of myself. But that comes with the ability to be honest with myself, and realize that I'm not as okay as I want to be. I feel like a hollow person right now.
Especially in the matters of men. It's alright for me to be who I think I am, except I don't really know who I am, and so I can't expect someone to sweep me off my feet, and love me for all that I am, if I don't know all that I am. Because let's be honest here. For just a second. No one wants to deal with a person with issues. Especially in a romantic setting. For me at least, I wouldn't want to date myself, not only that, but I am trapped in the most judgmental town in Utah. Utah Valley=My personal Hell. I find individuals that aren't judgmental, and seem like I could be happy when I'm in their presence, but timing is off for one of us. So this is why I'm looking at apartments online in Seattle. Will I ever be able to afford living in the heart of my favorite city? No. No I will not. Can I dream? Sure. I guess. I'm moving there this summer.

-

Gaaaaaaah. My mother makes me so irritable. But I love her and she is amazing.

I feel confused in the matters of my heart. Not like that's new news. I'm a little sick of always feeling this consistent. Whenever feelings start to get strong, I back off, hide somewhere, until I realize I'm so far backwards that I've lost said interest.

The Navy seems like a good option for me right now.

Hopelessly Stoopidism 2.

Just because I say I like it.

Doesn't mean I do.

Untitled.

I.

Am.

A.

LIAR.

Home.

I know you're in Europe.

And I'm back here.

But I just want you with me.

Have fun tomorrow!

I miss you.

-

Please.

Stop haunting my sleep.

Thoughts.

I haven't written out my thoughts for a long time. Because I've been afraid that all hell would be let loose.

Love. Everyone wants it, but quite honestly, what the hell is love? I have NEVER been in love. Ever. I have the preconceived ideas of what love is supposed to be. But I will never get there. I will never want someone to trace shapes into my back as I fall asleep every night. I will never want to cry in someone's arms after my day has been hard and unforgiving. I will never want to share my body and my heart with someone. I will never want to trust someone so unconditionally that I am willing to tell them all of my fears and shortcomings. I will never love someone so unconditionally, that I will be willing to allow all of my hurts and pains subside to let them into my life. I will never love another.

We are all so wrapped up in ourselves, that we are constantly overdressed. I have found myself extremely overdressed in the last little bit. All of my stresses and worries engrave themselves into the gray matter of my brain, and leave a permanent presence, even as some distant echo in my mind. However, some have a stronger presence. Some carve so deep, that my mind starts to hurt, and I want to hit my head over a pile of bricks over and over until blood starts to trickle down my forehead, and then I hit my head a little harder, because I'm afraid the thought will come back.

What if I can't promise that I'll be alright? What if I'm ripping at the weak seams that are keeping me together? What if I fall apart in front of you, mascara running down my cheeks, my nose red and running, and my eyes blue as ever? What if I'm not alright? What if I can't stop the rounds of thoughts in my head? An endless train of thought that tells me I'm broken, and worthless, and that no one needs me here? And I fight it with all that I have. I tell myself that I'm beautiful, and smart, and worth the world to someone. But I'm fighting an uphill battle, and I'm losing. No matter how many times I say "I can handle this" I know I'm lying to myself, and therefore lying to the entire world.

What if God has a superior plan that I can't see, because I'm a mere mortal? What if I have to lose myself beyond any recognition of who I am, just so I can fall to my knees and scream at the top of my lungs "Please God! Give me courage! Give me the strength to do anything!" And then as if by magic, I feel my heart warm up, my soul have feeling, and I can smile, and blissfully and truthfully smile for all that I am? So I can call a stranger beautiful, or thank my mother for all of her strength.

How do I fix my weakness?

How do you fix a broken soul?

Emily Dickinson

Some people prefer Frost to Dickinson. They say this, because they do not understand the beautiful reality that affects everyone, that Dickinson portrays so flawlessly. I am inclined to fall in love with her poetry again and again. She is one of the few female poets that was good at what she did.

Emily Dickinson is one of my heroes. I love that she was able to be so productive in her life, only to be loved by lovers, and never a husband.

This is my favorite poem in the entire world.

RESURRECTION.

'T was a long parting, but the time
For interview had come;
Before the judgment-seat of God,
The last and second time

These fleshless lovers met,
A heaven in a gaze,
A heaven of heavens, the privilege
Of one another's eyes.

No lifetime set on them,
Apparelled as the new
Unborn, except they had beheld,
Born everlasting now.

Was bridal e'er like this?
A paradise, the host,
And cherubim and seraphim
The most familiar guest.

Absolutely Flawless.

Good Night.

Sometimes.

When I fall asleep.

I lay on my side.

With blankets draped over my waist in a certain way.

Just so I can feel.

Like your there with me.

With your arm around my waist.

Holding me close.

So I don't have anymore nightmares.

I miss you.

Feeling.

Well for lack of a better word, a bit lonely. This is the first friday in a long time where I haven't had work. Which is odd, but I'm completely okay with it. I'm waiting for Neen to come over, but I'm just. Kinda lonely.

It's not anything that is painful.

Just a little obnoxious.

Because I feel so desperate.

Frooties

Sometimes.

When you're a girl.

You eat Frooties.


Because you're lonely.

And the guy you're dating abandons you in Utah.....





While he goes to Europe.

Quote of the Day

"I moved my pillow before he could fart on it."

-Sophie

Good. Bad. Ugly. Better.

I woke up at 8:45 AM totally excited to go to my photoshoot with Chaos and Bliss photography.

So I got ready, looked and felt gorgeous (I'm also biased) and drove over to AF. I got lost, and well, I got there late. SHOCKER. I took pictures with Cecily of Chaos and Bliss photography, and honestly had a great time. Yaay! She was very fun but professional. I'm excited to see the outcome of these pictures!! (And my pictures of the fugly chicken. I swear to God, it was a f*cking furry chicken. I have pictures I will be uploading pronto!!!)

Check out Chaos and Bliss photography HERE

I called Dave repeatedly, until he hit me over the head me with a rolling pin. Then I punched him in the face. It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was kinda bloody. Really bloody to be honest.

^(That really didn't happen. I think I hallucinated) (But I really did call him almost 347 times today.

Then I had a wonderful time at coffee with Sara. I really missed my big sister. She's so smurt!!!

And then I went to work.

And then I TRIED to find a costume at savers.

And then I felt angry.

And then I ran into Nolle and Clara and Carb and Savers.

And then Dave was nice and pissed me off.

And then I returned a movie to Blockbuster.

And then I paid 12.00 for ridiculous late fees.

And then I cried the entire way home.

And then I stayed in my car and kept crying.

And then I started screaming and crying.

And then I realized I had no friends.

And then I realized I'd be better off dead.

And then I cried harder.

And then I called Brandon.

And then he didn't answer.

And then I cried even harder.

And then I washed my make up off with tears and make up removal wipes.

And then I didn't care if my parents knew I was crying.

And then I cried to my mom.

And then I stopped crying, and blew my nose.

And then Dave called me.

And then I ate cereal.

And then I felt worthless.

And then I went upstairs to blog.

And here I am.

It was a perfect day.

Why the fuck am I a mental shithead?

Adele Makes Me Feel Alright.

Game plan

Eat both brownies.

Get shit done on my sugar high.

Die of a sugar crash.

Damn Painting

I finally finished the monster. It looks fantastic. A little too Andy Warhol for my taste, but I'll get over it. Besides, I made my stencil.

Except now i'm seeing an eye that's bothering me.

I hate art.

Goods.

Sometimes....

I paint with my ass sticking in the air.

Just because it feels right.

And it gives my back a break.

Siiigggh.

No matter how hard I try to forget.

I can't.

Because you have become one of my best friends mister. And as crazy stupid, and irritating, and cranky as I get sometimes, you treat me as an equal.


And you kiss good.

We joke the same way (Well. You laugh at my jokes, and a lot of the time, they aren't funny) and you make me smile a lot.

Sometimes it bugs me. Because I smile so much. Around you. Because if I'm sad or angry, I'm smiling, even though my eyes are sad, you'll make me laugh, and then I'll be happy. And then I feel like a crazy person.

And sometimes you send me weird messages when you're on Ambien.

But you're great.

Stressed...

Nice going Alex. You can't get things done for an extended period of time. And now the quarter is ending, and you still have so much to do. You aren't resting easy, you're stressing your brains out. Because you want to make your mommy proud. Would she be proud of a cheater? A liar? I'm cheating my way through the school system...again! Except it's frustrating because I want to be good and trusted, but sometimes life doesn't happen that way for me. Because I have a serious procrastination problem.

And I never show up to college writing.

And ARC's are totally retarded and pointless. Why do I have to PAY the f*cking school for time that I missed in the first place? Is it like a reimbursement for making my teachers mark me absent? Honestly. I can't wait for college. Normal life, here I come. Except I still have lots of days left of my last damn year. Daaamn.

I'm totally okay with getting less than perfect grades for right now. Because really, I have good habits, I'm just lazy because I don't like busy work. I love discussions, and taking notes, and feeling like I'm doing something that actually matters to me.

I hate wasting my own time with things that don't matter. I love creative writing, because I love to write. I don't know why I'm taking math. I'm dropping College Writing as soon as I can, because I didn't qualify for the English 1010 credit, which is a waste of my time if I don't get that.

I'm imperfect. And that doesn't bother me. I know that someday I'm going to do really well at whatever it is I decide to do. Because I'm the kind of person that excels in things that I enjoy. I can't stand math, it's really difficult for me to understand, and that's why I don't do well. But I'm doing fantastically in my Medical Anatomy Class and I did really well in EMS and Health Science last year. I do well in science, english, art, and music. I am not a logical mathematical brain. In fact when people say anything math related, I kind of glaze over, and want to die.

Dammit. Now I'm wasting more of my time blogging. But I love to blog. In fact if I could get enough followers, I would stop working...not really. Blogging is just a hobby. And let's be honest here, everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that they don't have time to think about anyone else. Let alone their thoughts. Except for those that care about me, I generally don't give out my URL. Because I sometimes say things the wrong way, and nobody really cares if I stole a traffic cone, or if I ate a bug.

But now I should be writing a paper, writing a research essay, taking 2 tests for anatomy, figuring out the meaning of my life, and looking into retail and the food industry as a career. . .

Mwwaah.

So There's This Boy...

And his eyes kind of make me lose my train of thought.

And his smile makes me feel all warm.

And his hands are always warm in mine.

And his words are always kind and supportive.

And he's the sweetest person I know.

And he helps me when I'm scared.

And he's smart.

And he's incredible.

Dibs.

Muuunnnddaaaii!!!

Decked out a cereal box for my mom (:

Gotta Love Forgetfulness

I'm covering a shift today from 2-4.

INSTEAD of going to the Zombiefest I was so excited to go to.

All because I'm an absent-minded dumbass and forgot for 30 seconds.

Sigh.

You know that really stupid painful moment when you realize you can't get over anything?

Me either.

Rules-Part 1

As a general rule, we don't admit to itching our krotches with a hairbrush...

Attention Span.

If there was such a thing as a attention span for me, I think I might actually get something done.



I really need to pooop.

Kind Casey Haiku.

Casey is so nice.
He treats me like a princess.
That is a big lie.

Casey Haiku.

Casey is da bomb.
He drives me crazy a lot.
Casey, go to hell.

Hopelessly Stoopid.

Why am I so hopelessly retarded?

Seriously. I can't just have a thing for one guy.

Or even two.

I don't have a thing for any of them.

I should buy myself a parakeet.

Update On My Current State of Stupidity

I stole a traffic cone today.

A dirty orange one.

Sitting in the parking lot.

Right next to Zupas.

I stole that damn cone.

And I'll keep it forever.

Concept 1.

If there is such a thing as love.

The kind of love that makes you feel warm.

And squirm your toes.

How am I supposed to find it?

Time.

Time is so terrible.

Even when I have 3 hours with you.

It's not enough.

When I'm talking to you.

Time passes to quickly.

And I'm left here.

Laying next to you.

In the warm grass.

Wishing.

Praying.

Longing.

That this bliss didn't have to end.

Inspired

I painted something real today. I took time.

And it's beautiful.

Pictures to come!!!!

untitled.

even if forever would wait.

and age didn't matter.

it didn't matter that there was 4 years between us.

or that sometimes when i'm nervous i never stop talking.

i think we would have time.

time is an enemy right now.

something that refuses to make any sense.

forcing people to walk senselessly throughout a day.

with out a moment to really think about what happened.

time makes days go by.

seasons pass.

and people forget.

please don't forget me.

i'm strong and brave.

but i'm secretly weak and needy.

just hold me there.

kiss the hollow of my throat.

where your lips fit perfectly.

make my breathing skippy.

give me the chills.

hug me tight.

hold me close.

i'm yours.

but you're not mine.

i'm marked.

i'm imperfect.

filled with flaws.

but maybe that's the way it happens.

you realize my glasses don't lay evenly.

my nose is broken.

my smile is crooked.

my eyes have brown spots in them.

and you realize.

i'm waiting.

for you.

to.

please.

just.

be mine.

(This is not a passive aggressive post. I don't actually feel this way about anyone....)

Boobie Haiku

Obnoxious in class,

Hello Kitty dangling chain,

No one likes Boobie.

This is how everyone feels when Boobie is around.

Photo Credit: Hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com <------------This blog is funny as hell.

Pain.

You know that really painful moment when the guy you actually felt a little interest in decides you aren't worth it.

Yeah.

Me either.

WorthLESS

Oh yeah.

That's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Or a friend for that matter.

Great Day.....NOT.

Have you ever had one of those days.

Where your tire goes flat.

And now you have to pay 200$ to get 2 new ones.

Payday is too late to cover it.

So you just pull from savings.

You don't get to go to that concert.

Because you won't have enough money.

You have a massive coffee,

And have a shaking anxiety attack.

You realize you're nothing but a piece of ass.

For that guy you genuinely THOUGHT liked you.

You realize the guy you like.

Is way too old for you.

Too mature for you.

Too good for you.

You can't focus because your sensitive stomach.

Is sick again?

You realize you don't really have any friends.

Because you acted like a bitch over the summer.

And lost every one of them.

You try to do your homework.

But took shitty notes.

So now you get to spend all afternoon in Math Lab tomorrow.

You feel like an empty person.

Because no one really knows how you feel about yourself.

No one knows your self esteem is shot.

No one knows you secretly loathe yourself.

You don't buy that CD you wanted.

Because you were embarrassed of how you looked.

You see your ex-best friend.

Looking cute and happy.

When your dressed like shit.

Because you gave up that morning.

You can't write in your journal.

Because you're afraid of how you feel.

You plan on getting a tattoo.

"We all die alone."

Ever had one of those days?

Yeah. Me either.

Chest Pain

I feel like my heartbeat is really irregular. It's been pumping pretty hard all day, but I don't know why it's working so overtime. But it's making me feel like I need to throw up.

What the hell is wrong with me?

-

Well, it's been that kind of week. The kind of week where I'm not really sure what the hell just happened, but okay!!!!

Monday-School. Piano. Work. I would say it was a successful day.

Tuesday-School. Starbucks. Meet Brandon. Freak Brandon out with my blabbing.

Wednesday-School. Starbucks. Meet Brandon. Be forced to sing. Realize I can't sing. Buy balloons. See Cheryl. Send off balloons. Fall asleep. Have nightmares.

Thursday-School. Drop of sister somewhere. Go see a sleepy Brandon. Do homework.

Friday-School. Home. Work. Go see Brandon. Home. Sleep.

Saturday-Fashion Show. Stumble. Fall up stairs. Buy freakishly tall heels. Fall up stairs on runway. look like Betta Fish. Go to work still in drag make up. FINALLY hang out with James. Emperor's new groove. (No touchie. No touch. LoL) Sleep.

Sunday(Today)-Wake up. Go to Colin's farewell. Eat something for the first time in 2 days. Feel gross. Go home. Clean the absolute shit outta my room. Get distracted. Consult facebook.

Basically I've tangled a web of confusion.

I hate love.

Detest it even. Because I get to this point.

And I want it to stop.

Meet person.

Hang out with person.

Enjoy person's company.

Kiss person.

Drift from person.

Stop talking to person.

I always do that. And I think that's how this is going to go down for the rest of my life. Tanner is a classic example. Although, I couldn't really stand him from the beginning.

Maybe I'm one of those people that is GENUINELY supposed to be alone.

Better live for sure!!!!

I love her.

She's kind of my hero.

This is why Adele is my Hero.

Forever Alone.

Sure. I have friends. I might even have a couple guys that give a shit about me. Yay. Thank God for that....But I don't know why everyone is wasting their time. I'm WORTHLESS. A waste of space. Has that ever crossed your mind? Sometimes. I do stupid things. And I don't understand why I do the things I do. And frankly, I don't really want to. Because I know I'll just end up hurting myself. Like now, for instance. I'm supposed to be cleaning my bathroom so I can go shopping with my family up at The Gateway. But I feel depressed right now, and just need to get it out of my system. I haven't journaled any feelings. Just events. And it's killing me. Like this morning, I didn't want to move. I just wanted to stay under my covers, and hide from the world. I'm not the daughter my parents brought up. I don't know who I am.

Suzanna:
Why did you go? Why did you have to leave here? Why did I have to go? We both know I'd do so much better in North Carolina, where the world is NORMAL. I can swear, I can laugh, I can stay up late, and no one cares. I need you so much right now, but you're just starting to get adjusted to moving and a new job and everything, and I don't want to rock the boat. So I'll just wallow in self pity until I can figure out what it is I need to do. I need you so much. I need to hear your voice, and see you, and hug you. I need my best friend. But she isn't tangible at the moment. WHY?!?!?!

Sariah:
We keep pretending that things are different. I wish they were. But we haven't even TEXTED in almost a week. I saw your new apartment, thinking it was me and you time. But there is no such thing as you and me time anymore. It's you and Shawn, and oh yeah, I think Alex was there too time. I'm always going to wish that things were just like the way they used to be. And yes, I do love Shawn like a brother. He's a good guy, and I'm so happy for you. But you're basically married. And it hurts me sometimes, because, I just really need to cry, but I've lost my best friend.


Nina:
I miss you. Things will never be like they used to, will they?


Anne:
Thank you so much for everything you've done for me recently. Having someone to share my girly pleasures with has helped me more than I'll ever be able to communicate. You're basically the funniest person ever, and I'm happy we're friends. I hope that we'll stay friends forever. Who knows? Life is funny that way. Thank you for listening to my drama, even though I'm pretty sure you'd rather listen to nails on a chalkboard. You're amazing.


Sam:
I'm really into you, but I'm not sure if it's reciprocated right now. I'm hurting, and I'm afraid to tell you. but I' really like you. And I've never had such intense chemistry with anyone on a first meeting basis in my entire life.


I'm so sick of all of this shit. Life just needs to end, or I need to change my scenery or something.

It's About Freaking Time....

So after 3 DAYS of trying to get to NC, I'M FINALLY HERE!!!!!! Let me just give you an idea of how many times I switched flights.....I have over 15 flight ticket seat request forms and itineraries.

Monday: Go to the airport at 9. Wait for flight to Atlanta. Drop off my luggage, and know that it is safely on its way there. Go through security with one carry on. Too far down seat request list. Switch to 1:00 flight. Realize even if I make that flight I won't be making it to Wilmington. Go home with mom. On the way home we got splashed with NEON pink paint all over my mommy's nice car...courtesy of UDOT. So we bring Sophie ibuprophen, and headed to the carwash. After the carwash, nothing had changed, so we went home, sprayed the car down with bug&tar spray, and scrubbed the car down with towels until it was nice and clean. UDOT.....bringing families closer together through quality time with one another.....because we care. Go out to lunch with Anne to IN-N-Out, then we headed to WallyMart to start on Suzanna's birthday gift. Abort the first gift idea, and decide on a kitchen themed gift and head to Target. Decide to head to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to complete Suzanna's Kitchen Gift. Complete Kitchen Gift complete with Spiderman plate, Spiderman cups, red bowls, red mixing bowl, heart shaped measuring cups, brownie mix, and red rubber scraper. We wrapped it up in a black basket, and cellophane wrap and a blue bow. Anne was such a life saver!!!! I'm so glad I've accomplished her friendship....late night with Anne. And Tyler? Hahahaha. We watched Degrassi and What I Like About You, and ate a heart shaped brownie that we split down the middle. Got home late. Remember I forgot a charger. Apologized to my mommy for my absentmindedness and ran to Wallymart for a phone charger.

Tuesday: Woke up at 5. In. The. F*cking. Morning. Got ready, grabbed a larger bag to take Suzi's gift with me to NC. Didn't get the flight at 7. Buy myself an ENORMOUS coffee. Didn't get the flight at 8:30. Buy myself some gum for my breath that smells like ass, and a new magazine. Decided a route through Phoenix would be a better route. Make the flight to Phoenix at 10:30. Arrive in Phoenix, miss my Atlanta flight at 11, and rebook for the one at 11:30. Mom decides she doesn't want me to spend the night in Atlanta airport. I'm pissed off. I cry about it. Auntie Raquel saves the day and my sanity and picks me up from the airport. We go out to lunch with my cousins, I go swimming, take a shower, take a nap, and feel a little better. Laugh with my uncle all the way up to the airport at 11. Make the flight to Atlanta at 11:50. Sit next to a guy who won't shut up. I don't take a nap. I'm up all night. Pissed.

Wednesday: I arrive at 6:43 and run to the bathroom. Proceed to spend the next half hour in the bathroom. My poor mother calling me at 4 AM her time......I make the flight to Wilmington. Sit next to a kind man who speaks little, but kindly, and let's me sleep the entire way there without bothering me. I arrive at the airport, and see Suzanna and her cute mom and sister. Finally. I pick up my luggage problem free. We go to BoJangles. Then run errands with her mom. When I get to Suzi's house, I take a nice long shower. Wash my hair. BRUSH MY TEETH. And Suz and I take a nap in our underwear. Wake up to Raya biting my thigh. Realize I will never be a cat person. She's kind of a stupid animal....if you can call her an animal. Suz made us eggs, and salad for dinner. We ate chocolate cake, got ready, and went to the beach!!!! On the way to the beach, we run into some of the sexiest surfers I've ever seen. I scream. They blow us a kiss. We take a shitload of pictures, and play in the ocean. It was so fun!!! We follow these hot guys around. And into the ocean. When we hear their voices, we realize they can not be older than 13. We realize we are cougars. And discover Suzanna could now be considered a pedophile. We drive around to find hot guys on the beach. It was rough. We take her sisters to drinks. We both consume 64 ounces of soda. Basically our kidneys are in failure. We're not doing that again.....probably. Suz and I skype Tyler, I insult Dave, and play Just Dance. Followed by South Park. Suz was horrified, while I couldn't stop laughing. I call my mommy. She is so sweet. (: Now we're here. I'm freaking ass tired, but am now wired on so much caffeine, sleep seems like a joke. Not only that, it's midnight my time. Sooooooo. Any ideas?

Crazy couple of days. Is today Wednesday?

-

So yup. NC TOMORROW. At 5. In. The. Morning. Ouch.

-

Found The Notebook. Life is okay. I was seriously PANICKING!!!!!!

Poop.

Well my flight didn't work out today. So I have an early day tomorrow. But I lost the notebook temporarily. Genuinely can't find it. I'm freaking out about it. Our LIVES are in that stupid notebook. But it's not stupid. It's so sacred. It's the only reason I'm sane...

PRETTY

List of Poop. (I need to accomplish in NC)

• Incredible arrival at airport.
• Really dramatic hello at airport.
  
• Wear Friendship Ties.
• Sit around an entire day in underwear. And only underwear.
• Run around in our underwear.
• Eat at Flaming Amy's. (Because I support them, but don't actually know if I like them)
• Go to the beach. DUH.
• Get freaking burned at the beach.
• Eat at some asian place Indosheen (probably spelled wrong)
• Give Zus her birthday gift.
• Eat a baby.
• Back Roller....
• Back massages.
• Tickles each other's back until we fall asleep...
• Consume a haagan daaz.....(For real.)
• Make out with Random Hott Guy (The notebook)
• Kick Nick in the nuts.
• Take unGodly amounts of pictures
• Beach photoshoot. Full of conceded and sexy pictures....but not too sexy.
• Boogie boarding.
• Skim boarding
• Learn spanish......hahahahaha
• Get Suzanna a job....
• Midnight run for soda....
• CHICKEN FRIES.
• Chicken nuggets...
• KFC.....Or Kentucky Fried Babies!!!!
• Have a terrible band
• Name that terrible band Kentucky Fried Babies
• Watch Avatar....Not the blue people.
• Go streaking.
• Create a nudist beach.
• Sleep on the beach.
• Roast marshmellows.
• Blow up marshmellows in the radioactive box.
• Radioactive box a baby.
• Torture Raya.
• Talk with horrible accents.
• Wear drag make up for a midnight run.
• Pedicures.
• Cyberstalk Tyler. (Together)
• Skype Tyler. (Together)
• Imagine Tyler naked....well. With pants on.
• Wish Tyler was with us.
• Talk about Tyler. Lots.
• Blog in unison.
• Text Tyler.
• Irritate Tyler.
• Bother Joe.
• Scare Dave.
• Kiss Tyler over the phone. (Suz.)
• Dream about Tyler. (Suz.)
• Shut up about Tyler (Suz.)
• Obsess over M. Shadows.
• Help Suz get over Robert Smith.
• Dream about making sweet loving to M. Shadows.
• Stalk M. Shadows.
• Seduce M. Shadows.
• Stalk people on facebook.
• Stalk people in real life.
• Moonlight drive.
• Poop in a box.
• Send that box to Dave.
• Convince Dave I'm in love with him.
• Marry Dave.
• Cope with my loss of Slenderman
• Remarry Slenderman
• Watch for Slenderman
• Kiss Slenderman.
• Pet a dolphin.
• Eat a dolphin.
• Read racey magazines.
• Confess my love for Adam Lambert online.
• Create a stupid vlog of thoughts for my blog.
• Reminisce in old memories.
• TOOOOILLLEEET PPPAAAAPPPAAAAAA!!!!!!!
• Hug and possibly hump in the airport.
• MAGNIFICENT PASTRY.
• Go out to breakfast.
• Sleep in.
• Get angry about wasted time from sleeping in.
• Meet Nick NC.
• Staring contest.
• No smiling contest.
• Teach Suz how to play Hardface.
• Convince Suz to eat a bug.
• Convince Suz she can get a job.
• Help Suz move in.
• I just farted.....
• Curl Suzanna's hair.
• Stay up all night in Suzanna's apartment
• Pull at least 3 all nighters.
• Announce a good dump.
• Cry a bit about the past.
• Teach Alex how to poop.....regularly.
• Randomly talk about deep feelings.
• Witness spontaneous human combustion.
• Go to surf city. Which I don't think is actually a place.
• Eat a massive slushy.
• Get really bad gas one night.....and declare warning signals for gas masks.
• Get kicked in sleep.
• Try to steal blankets back.
• Spoon Suzanna at some point in the night.
• Occupy a pathetic amount of space on the bed.
• Try not to allow Suz to take up the whole bed.
• Pretend Suz doesn't sleep spread eagle.
• Learn Italian....Well a word..
• Learn German.
• Learn the african clicking language.
• Hope Suz finds a man for me.
• Pretend I hate the dude Suz finds for me....HOT GUY ON BEACH.

• Epic good bye at airport. Full of tears. Hugs. And more hugs.

Day 6 - 5 People That Mean A Lot

1. My Mom and Dad.
2. My siblings. PJ, Sara, Sophie.
3. My Grandmas and Grandpas.
4. Suzanna and Sariah. And Anne.
5. CJ.

New. New. New!!!

So I bought a new journal!!!! So excited!

Chirpy

Being naked......Life's greatest pleasure.

Day 5- 6 Things I Wish I'd Never Done

1. Started this stupid challenge. If I regret something, that's my problem....
2. Waking up this morning. Why aren't I still sleeping on the ONLY day I can?
3. Cracking my favorite thumb ring. Guess who has to get it fixed?
4. Dated so many guys this summer. I'm starting to lose track....oh well (:
5. Ate that brownie last night. Can you say heartburn?
6. Straightened my hair Tuesday. I'm weak. I couldn't keep my hair curly the ENTIRE summer.

Day 4- 7 Things That Cross My Mind A Lot...

1. Why are they looking at me like that? Is there something on my face...what is your problem man?
2. Curse words. Lots and lots of curse words.
3. I don't want to go to work today.....
4. My butt looks good in these jeans......I'm a fatty.
5. Yeah Mom, I know. Just stop talking about it....
6. Don't fall down......don't trip......don't fall down.....
7. Why are there so many babies in Utah? Where is Suzanna? Stupid Shawn.....(:

Day 3- 8 Ways to Win my Heart

(This whole counting thing is screwing with me......)



1. Take initiative. I hate wearing the pants. Thus making me grab YOUR hand. Unless I'm giving you clear stay the hell away from me signals, you can always assume it's okay to make the first APPROPRIATE move.
2. Be tender. I may be a nutcase, and a little rough on the outside, but inside I'm like my favorite food.....I'm a marshmellow on the inside. So if I'm all moody and whatever, tell me to get over myself, apologize for me feeling grumpy, hug me, and move on.
3. Be understanding and respectful. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. I will when I want to, so when I'm emotional without cause? A hug is always welcomed.
4. I'm a junkfood addict. So don't make me feel like crap and let me eat it all by myself. If we're going to eat out together, and be pigs, let's be pigs. And enjoy it, until we feel sick (:
5. Love me naturally. Even if I'm not all dolled up, my hair is a frizzy mess, I have yesterday's mascara on, and my breath smells like crap because I haven't brushed my teeth for the day. Even if I haven't shaved in a while, because I'm lazy. Just love me how I am. NATURALLY.
6. You give a little, I give a little. I refuse to be the one that has to bend over backwards to "deserve you." So let's just be honest here, if you give, I'll give, and I'll never stop giving.
7. Realize I have the heart of an elephant. Because I have such a big sensitive heart, I'll get hurt over stupid little things a lot, and it may take me a while to get over them. Sorry I'm like this. But I always have been. But because my heart is so big, I WILL stay in love with you. Congratulations.
8. Respect your Mom. Respect my Mom (and my family.) Your relationship with your mom tells me a lot about you. If you can't respect the woman who gave birth to you, then chances are, you won't respect me. If you don't respect my mom the woman who gave birth to me and my family my own flesh and blood then you quite obviously won't respect me. So be good to your mom. Don't trash talk your mom. Or my mom and family ever. Hug your mom in front of me, it's kind of adorable. And feel free to talk to my mom and family for a bit.

Day 2-Nine Things About Alexandria

1. Bees terrify me.
2. If I had to choose between chocolate and vanilla, it will always be vanilla.
3. I have a fairy princess name: Alexandria Katherine.
4. I prefer cold to hot. Freeze and add layers until sufficiently warm. Be too hot, and well, you're kind of screwed. You can only take so many off. Not to mention jackets are kind of attractive.
5. I want to be a doctor, more specifically a woman's doctor. OB/GYN.
6. Even though it drives me crazy half the time, I love my unruly curly hair. It makes me feel sexy.
7. I have a wonderful relationship with everyone in my family.
8. I love to love. I love to love clothes, friends, bugs, movies, music (Is my life...btw) ,food.....and boys.
9. God is my everything. I could not be brave or strong without Him.

Stupid Quote of the Day

"Uggh. I have this really annoying buuuuggh."
-Me.
"Does it rhyme with ooger?
-My mom

Yup.

TMI.....

But I need to poop. Like bad. And it just isn't happening for me...

I. Heart. You. I think?

Tonight was simply blissful. I don't care if I didn't know him that well before now, because the point is, I know him now. It's not all about being physical, and groping each other while we simply sit around. None of that. It's unnecessary to be like that. It's that he watches movies with me, but movies that I want to watch, and understanding that sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. I just need his strong arms around me, to secure me in place.

And sometimes.

I just need him to hold me there. And keep holding me. Kind of swaying. Giving me enough time to close my eyes, open them, and KNOW, this is real life. This isn't some yummy dream I'm going to wake up from.

This is my love story.

So baby, keep holding me there.
Hold my hand the way you do.
Caress my face the way you do.
Kiss the top of my head the way you do.
Hold me for hours the way you do.

But mostly.

Kiss me the way you do.









I can't stop smiling (:



















Alex <3's ???