The Weight of Our Lives.

I'm sitting here, reflecting as I eat a bowl of warm clam chowder my mom made, and I can't help but think about how wonderful it is to feel alive. Stop for a second and try to think. What can you feel right this very second.
I can feel my strong lungs fill with air.
I can feel the slight tingling on my tongue from the spices in my soup.
I can feel the cool air surround my fingers and toes.
I can feel my heart beating if I really focus on it.

Isn't it so beautiful? And still. Life can come and go in an instant. Some choose to live. And some can't handle the daily struggle, and in a moment of desperation, take their own life.

A dear friend of mine lost someone very close to her recently, and the gravity of the situation has made me so emotional. I went over to her house to drop of a sympathy gift, and though she wasn't home, I saw the weight of the world in her family's eyes.

Nib answered the door, and hugged me. She explained the blubbering that had been occurring all day. But in my eyes, mourning a loss isn't blubbering. It's feeling. It's feeling something so fully, that your heart aches with love and longing for the missing person.

I started to cry as I was talking to Nib. I personally, know what it's like to feel the weight of a suicide. I was explaining to her how much I love Cailie, and how I wish it hadn't happened, when Cliss, Nib's mom, walked up stairs.

I've only met Cliss a handful of times. And still, she opened her arms, and gave me the biggest, most sincere hug. I told her I was so sorry, and her eyes filled with tears, and she said something, that is the entire purpose of this post.

She said:

"I wish people knew how important they were, and the weight that they carry while they were still here. I wish there was some way to always express that they were loved."

I started to cry a little more, and I'm crying now, because though her statement was a few words, it was profound, and large. If you think about it.

The weight of our lives is not carried in the flesh we have on our bones, but in the hearts of all of those who love us. Whether that be friends, family, or pets. We all have at least 1 person who cares for us so deeply that they shed tears when we leave our short span on the earth.






Cailie.
Baby girl. I love you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. I know there is nothing I can do to change what has already been done, but I am here. In every possible way. And I care for you so deeply. You are a soul sister. We have been deeply rooted in each other for a long time, and I genuinely believe that it is something that will only become more precious with time. I love your family. And I'm so honored to share but a moment of your life. Time will heal this hurt. Just trust, and give it time.
All my love,
Alex.

Graveyard.

I worked  a graveyard last night, and though I feel poopy and tired today, I'm happy to have the experience, because now I know how to work every shift at my job.

I don't think I've even announced it on here. I'm awful.

I am currently working as a CNA at Trinity Mission Health and Rehabilitation of Provo. And I absolutely love my job. I joke a lot. About how I wipe butts for a living, but it really is so much more than that. And it makes me feel so happy when I go to work, and get home from work. I really feel like I am helping my residents feel happier, maybe more comfortable, really, making them feel better.

Being a CNA is not for the weak of heart...or stomach. I have seen some incredibly large BM's (Bowel movements. We call them BM's because it gives our residents more dignity, and it's less awkward than asking if they've pooped.), and smelled some pretty weird smells. But it never grosses me out. It makes me feel better that I can help them not lay in their own waste, and feel clean and refreshed.

It's hard being a CNA because you establish relationships with the residents you work with. They become good friends. What makes them smile, makes you happy. And what brings them pain, makes you want to fix everything so they never have to go through that again. It's hard sometimes, because residents are old, and they pass away. I've had that happen recently, and it really made me sad.

You also learn as a CNA, that death is a natural part of the life cycle. And sometimes you feel happy for the resident that passes away, because you know that they are no longer in pain, or confused, or weak. It has really strengthened my personal beliefs in salvation, and the Resurrection.

But as I lay here, partially asleep, I don't regret working NOC (Graveyard) shift. Because as long as my residents are comfortable, than I can sleep later.

-

My complex delirium.
Just became.
A whole lot.
More complicated.

I can't try to write anymore.

I'm afraid to be vulnerable.

Wedding (:

I don't think I've even merely mentioned the fact that I'm getting married on this silly thing!! Well surprise....I'm marrying Dave (: The perfect man for me.

We're getting married December 29, 2012
I found my dress.
I have a venue.
I found a caterer.
I have a florist.
I've seen a lady doctor.

I'll update more tonight.
I'm off to meet my florist with Mommy!

Bloody Monday.

It's the kind of day where I wake up in a funk.
I don't want to get out of bed.
And everything gets on my nerves.
I'm rude and don't see Dave long.

I think it might have to do with the idea of trying on wedding dresses.
Don't get me wrong. I'm SURE I will find the right one, however, guess what.
I don't wanna try on dresses.
I don't want to at all.
I just want to buy one online.
And hope for the best.
And if it doesn't fit right, who gives a shit?
Not me....

Anyway.
I miss my old self.


Carry on...

Sleep

I know I'm supposed to be writing about deep things that I'm thankful for, but today, I'm really thankful for the power of sleep. I don't know what it is about the few hours where consciousness slips away, but I love the feeling of almost being asleep, when my mind is too tired to think, and all of a sudden, I'm asleep. It's beautiful.

Happy happy happy.

I hate thursdays. Except it's friday. So I must have lost a day in there somewhere. The cup of tea next to me is getting lukewarm. And has probably been steeping too long, but that's what I get for deliberately staying up until 1, and then not sleeping for the rest of the night. I'm not exaggerating either. I would be shocked if I slept for more than 2 hours yesterday. Which is fine I'll live. But now blogger background is changing colors, and my mind can't handle the struggle.

I'm thinking about getting a hot chocolate instead of the tea. Except last time I did that, I went over to my beloved's house for a nap. And a farted. Really loud. He didn't wake up, but he made a joke about farting in his sleep later that day, and I'm pretty sure he was just trying to tell me that I was caught....

On this delightfully rainy day, I am spending time with my favorite coffeeshop baby. She is so cute. And her mom is so cute. And her dad is so cute. And her family just emulates cuteness. She babbles, and crawls and sits on my feet. And I'm all like "Baaaaaby! (:" Yes. I even say "Baby...SMILEY FACE." She's a cute baby. And she also has the ability to give people the stinkeye...

On other delightful news. Getting married soon. 49 days to be exact. 7 weeks almost exactly. And I still don't have a wedding dress. But I'm confident that I will find one, especially if I'm going with my mom and sisters, and grandma, and whoever else decides they are official enough to give me advice.

Well. You're awesome.

Happy freaking friday!!!

I Gave You All.

Sometimes.
I hurt the people I love the most.
They give me all they have.
I give them all I had.
And still.
Everyone ends up crying.
Upset.
And frustrated.

For My Bubba.

I believe in the magic of love.

I believe that everyone in life has one person that they are meant to be with forever. One person that a soul is so compatible with, there are always things to talk about, things to try, and love to be experienced.
Some people spend their whole lives looking for it, and never find it.
And some, lucky lucky people, find it. And find it young.
I am one of those lucky people.

I met Dave last August, in the warm sun at Starbucks.
He ordered a Chai Tea Frapp, I ordered a Raspberry Green Tea with two pumps of raspberry.
We had talked a lot on Facebook, but that day at Starbucks, hours went by. And we just talked.
And talked and talked.
I wasn't totally in love with him at first. Our story is not one of love at first sight. He became one of my closest friends before we ever started dating.
And that's an important foundation that our relationship has bloom from.

Dave has been my friend through everything. And this last year hasn't been an easy one. But he's never once left my side. He's supported me through whatever I've wanted to do. He came to every orchestra concert, gave me a beautiful painting kit full of acrylic paints-supporting my love of painting, taught me how to rock climb, and gave me all the gear I needed for my birthday. Supported me in getting my CNA. Made me laugh. Every single day of my life. He's let me cry all over his shirts, hugged me even when I'm not acting nice.


 And always remembers to say "I love you."
Even when he's frustrated with me. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. Honestly.

Dave is the love of my life. The fire and passion that keep my soul still and strong. He is my future.  Life can be frightening at times, but I know I never need to feel fearful of life. Especially when Dave is there holding my hand. He keeps me strong. He makes me believe I can do anything.

I love Dave. With my whole heart. I'm not always as graceful as he is, but I try my best to show him in the little ways that I can. Words, are my way to express love. They always have been. So to the man I love. The only man that I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life.

So to my love. My Dave. My sweetheart. My Bubba.

Happy birthday.
Happy happy happy birthday.

I'm looking forward to this next year of my life with you.
23 is going to be a good year for you, I can tell.
I'm so proud of you. You're such an example of success for me.
Such an example of pure love.
I love you with all I am angel.
Thank you for always loving me, being with me, and being my best friend.

I love you.

Why I'll Always Be Unaffiliated.

I could never be a republican. I can't tell someone that they can't marry, based on the principle of their sexuality. I work at a care center for the elderly. One of the nurses that works there cared for his partner fighting MS for 15 years. I don't know many straight couples that would go through that hell. So what difference does it make? Truly? At the end of the day, those who are getting married, aren't promiscuous, and even if they are? Why the hell does anyone care? Why is it anyone's business? Love is love. Whether it's a girl loving a boy. A boy loving a boy. A girl loving a girl. Love in it's purest form, is love. And don't tell me that homosexuality goes against what God wants for us. I'm pretty sure I've learned all my life that God's love is unconditional. The purest and sweetest love that anyone can experience. So does that all change with your sexual orientation? It's said that God loves the sinner. The liar. The prostitute. The killer. And yet...and yet...and yet what? If I ever had a child that asked me why those 2 guys were holding hands, I'd just gently explain that they were in love, just like mommy and daddy, and drop it. Because it's not my place to plant lies, and sadness into any child. Ever. The end.

I could never be a democrat. Life, in it's simplest form, is still life. If a fetus has a heartbeat at 4 weeks gestation, then clearly, life doesn't start after birth. Think about it like this. If any given person is in full cardiac arrest, you begin CPR, (unless they have DNR orders....but that's so beside the point), to get their heart starting again. Clinical death is being without breathing or a heartbeat. If a fetus can have a heartbeat, then how are they any less of a person? They're just a tiny person. Also, I hate the example of using abortions in the case of rape and incest. Rape and incest represent less than 2% of all abortions performed. Granted, a pregnancy can happen anytime, and any place, including if a woman gets attacked, it's such a weak argument, that I have to wonder what would happen if abortions were only available to victims....

I could never be a republican because I believe in the general good of humanity. Everyone should be able to obtain medical help, at any time, without falling onto mountains of debt.

I could never be a democrat, because I honor my rights as an american too much. I am neither a socialist, or a capitalist, however, I do want to keep all of the freedoms that essentially have made me american.


Therefore, I am independent. I think for myself. And I'll vote for whoever I think, will help this beautiful country that I live in.

Save The Date.

December 29th.
You. Me.
The end of the aisle.
Be there.

Just when everything is supposed to be perfect.

Surprise! It all goes to shit.

Pinterest...

Don't get me wrong. I freaking love pinterest, especially for wedding ideas. But I'm in love with this wedding dress, and don't want anyone to repin in, or worse, buy it. So i'm going to be selfish, and keep my happy little dress to my moderately happy little self.

Fatty McChubby.

That's it.
I'm fat blasting.
Time to spend 10$ and get a damn gym membership....or just get my ID at school.
Project "fit into wedding dress" is starting.

I may lose 10 pounds.
I may lose 20 pounds.
But I will look glowing and skinny on my wedding day.

After The Storm.

And after the storm...
Sometimes there's a lingering sadness.
A lingering hurt.
But you both know you're okay.
Because you love each other so much.
You're willing to stand in the rain so the other.
Can have your umbrella.

(:

can we just stop.
Just for a second?

Quote of my life.

"I'm obsessed with their clothes. Except I'm not classy like that. I can't wear high heels and my boobs sag over my laptop."

Untitled.

What's the point?
Getting ready doesn't even help.

I need to lose weight.
And feel unsad.

I NEED TO FEEL HAPPY.

Fat Kid.

DISCLAIMER: This is a whiny, I hate my body post. If you don't want to read it, you aren't hurting my feelings....

This is the cycle of my eating habits and feelings towards foods. My waistline is growing, and that's just the way that it is right now.

I hate what I look like. I wear things that are too big or too tight, or things that could almost fit, but don't. I don't want to try on wedding dresses. I don't. I don't want to wear a bathing suit. I don't want to take care of myself. I hate exercising, because it's starting from square freaking 1. I can't run a mile, let alone for 30 minutes.

Big is beautiful. I really believe that. There are lots of stunning women who have full figures. But I've always wanted to be the tiny girl. The teeny tiny girl that wears leggings and t shirts, and always has cold fingers because she's too skinny to produce body heat.

I've accepted that I'll never be that way.

But it still sucks to always feel like the fat kid.

Fall Sweater Vest

So Tired.

There's a colony of zits on my forehead.
My pants size seems to be inflating.
Hate what I see in the mirror.
Beauty is selective.
Life keeps going and going and going.
Don't want to listen anymore.
Don't want to talk anymore.
Mom says grown ups don't cry.
June. May. December. Numbers. Letters.
Grandma can't go that day. I can't get work off that day.
You're right. You win.
This ring wasn't this heavy a moment ago.
Sleep. Just keep sleeping. Because you can't think when you sleep.
Constantly feeling stuck. If it's not this, it's that.
Missing my kayak.
Go away. To Portland. Seattle. San Francisco.
Can't even paint. It's all stuck in my fingers.
Can't even sleep.
Don't wear a bra. Write poetry. Paint in a loft.
Should probably shave.
Smile. This is happiness?

This is happiness. And I'm exhausted.

Happy.

Super happy family time!!

Reflection

Sometimes. School is hard.
And makes you write.
About stuff you don't want to.
Like violence against women.
And then you wonder.
What the hell is wrong with humanity.

Stupid Monday.

I woke up, feeling sore and exhausted. I was tossing and turning all night. Which blows. Because I am so freaking tired. I need a giant latte.
My room is an absolute disaster. And I'm not going to clean it.
I really really really really want a job as a CNA.
I have cuts, scrapes, and sunburns.
My hair is a mess.
I miss Dave.
I hate weddings. I hate them. Don't ever have one. I won't go.
(That was passive aggressive. I actually love weddings. Just planning one is stressful)
I'm jealous of all of my friends having babies. They're so cute. I want one, except I don't. Because they're fun until they start crying. So I'll stay baby free for now. Maybe in five or so years, I'll be up for the responsibility.
I don't want to get dressed this morning.
I have so much homework I'm drowning.
I don't want to go to class. But I'm going to go anyway.
I'm really grumpy.
Florence and The Machine Makes it alright.
Ah poop. I have work tonight.

Stupid Monday....

Kayaking Trip.

Today, I woke up after tossing and turning all night. All my muscles hurt from my kayaking trip, and I feel exhausted.

My kayaking trip was an amazing experience. I met some pretty awesome people, and I made some really good friends that are going somewhere with their lives. It felt good. I pushed my body to limits I didn't know I could. (For a while I had given up on my fitness, because although I know Dave will love me no matter what size I am, I wasn't happy with my own body.) It was a nice break from my everyday life. I had to trust people. Trust my body. I was away from my cell phone, my blog, my laptop, school, work, my family, my sweetheart, everything I knew. I was thrown completely out of my element. And I feel like I did really well. And all those wonderful people, really helped take me on this really cool and unique experience.

It was a really spiritual experience, truth be told. There were times where I was sure I could know paddle 1 more inch. I was too tired. Too sore. Too everything. So I'd pray. I'd pray really hard. Say a Hail Mary, and find inner strength to push farther. I wasn't the fastest in the group. Most of the time I was the slowest. But at the end of the trip. When we were on our way home. I was the second to get into the bay. And by 22 seconds. And I have never felt so physically accomplished in my entire life.

I would never take back the laughs, the tears, the strangers, the jumps, the hikes. Any of it. Because for the first time in months. I'm back. And better than ever. I'm Alex. All over again.

Missing.

I really really really miss being a creator. I used to pride myself with the label "Painter." But now that I haven't painted in so long my brushes are sad, and my paints are drying, I feel like I need to start anew. I'm going to paint tonight. Dave can dremel. I'll paint a picture. I have no idea what to paint. But I miss that part of me. Maybe I'll just watercolor. Finish what I was never brave enough to finish. Assuming I still have my reference picture. I don't know. I need something to make me feel less nervous. I'm really nervous for my kayaking trip tomorrow. What if something goes horribly wrong? I know this is horrible...I shouldn't think this way. But I'm truly afraid. Also. College is really hard. I'm dropping out and joining the circus.

My Little Piece of Heaven.

I'm sitting here, sipping on some of the yummiest hot chocolate I've had in a long time, feeling totally at peace with myself. I believe that the atmosphere of an environment can greatly change an overall experience. That being said. I'm kind of a coffee brat.
 When I woke up, and was in desperate need of coffee this morning. I wasn't really sure where I should go.

Don't get me wrong. Starbucks was my first love, when it came to coffee. And I respect them for that. And a lot of the time, I love spending my time there. But there are Starbucks nationwide. And I love to support smaller coffeeshops anyway.

I love Coffeepod's coffee with all my heart. They have really yummy coffee, and it's all pretty cheap. They also have amazing italian sodas, host open mic poetry nights, and are really welcoming to all the coffee drinking weirdos in utah valley. That being said. I've met some pretty wacky people there, and I just need a small break before I revisit good ol' Coffeepod.

High Vibes Coffee and Crystals is a fun place! They are really influenced by eastern philosophy, which I think is pretty cool. They legitimately have crystals, and all natural ways for emotional healing. And sometimes, they even offer classes. The only thing I've ever had there was a smoothie. It was good, but a little expensive. I'll probably go back soon enough.

But now, I'm sitting at one of the happiest coffee shops I've ever been to. There's lots of comfortable chairs to sit in. There's more rooms upstairs, and downstairs. They have cute mugs to choose from if you're going to stay here. They keep your stamp cards for you so you don't lose them. And free Wifi! The baristas are all really really nice. In fact, the barista that helped me made me feel better today. I was feeling kind of down when I arrived, and now I feel good. And, they offer an LDS menu, filled with herbal teas, hot chocolates, and italian sodas. I'm really excited to bring Dave here. He knows how much I love the coffeeshop experience, and so to find one that plays old time music and smooth enjoyable music, comfortable chairs, offers magazines to read, and has some good places to study, oh man, I think he'll be just as excited as I am. This is the kind of coffeeshop I hope to sit in when I decide to write a self reflective book. Or find myself enough to start painting again.

Where is this place?

It's called Timpanogos Caffee. It's right after 1600 North in orem. So if you're looking for a happy little place to go, come here. Drink some delicious hot chocolate. And smile to yourself, because there's still a little bit of heaven in Orem.

Sunday Confessions

I bought a beautiful wedding dress that I was sure I was going to wear on my wedding day. Then my friend needed a dress to get married. So I let her wear it for her special moment. And now I feel like i can't wear it for my own.

Today has been a really emotional day for me. I really lost my shit. I'm sick of feeling this sad. And I'm not really entirely sure why. I've resolved all of the little bumps in the road. So i'm not really sure as to what I'm supposed to do to make it all okay right now.

College. Sucks. 

I want to work as a CNA.

Sara really really really helped me today. I love that I finally feel like I can call her when I need sound advice that only a big sister can give.

Mazzy Star still makes me cry sometimes.

 May/June feels really far away.

I want rain.

I wish someone were here cuddling me.

I'm sleepy.

Thoughts On a Wednesday Morning.

Waking up today was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not really sure why either. I haven't been staying up terribly late, but I feel like I've been beaten recently. Knocked down by life. And every time I get back up. And I'm on my knees ready to stand, the tendinitis in my ankle makes me fall back down....so to speak. (Although I really do have tendinitis, which I will explain later.)

Sometimes feeling good about what my dreams and aspirations are is hard. Because I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I know I love to write. I love to paint. I love psychology. I love taking care of people. So I could be a nurse. An artist. A psychiatrist. A creative writing teacher. But I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing right now. And I know. Everyone is telling me "Alex. That's the entire point of generals." But  I almost feel like generals screwed me over, because I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a nurse. No questions asked. And now I have no idea.

I need to get a different job. Don't get me wrong. I'm so thankful to even have a job. Seriously. So blessed. But I have my CNA, and I would like to gain some valuable experience somewhere, so I could maybe get a job at IHC at some point within the next few years, while I try to figure out what I want to do. I'm just afraid. I'm not really sure either. I loved my classes to become a CNA. I did really well in clinicals. I got 90% on my written for the state exam. I know my crap. But I don't know why I'm hesitating. Maybe I'm afraid that if I get a real job, that I won't do well in school anymore. Because I don't really trust my study habits.

Tendinitis. Really. HURTS!!! Holy cow. I had no idea it was this painful. I've always kind of had problems with my ankles. I personally think it's because my feet are so big, so the weight distribution is mostly over my ankles....that's not actually the case. I think it has more to do with the fact that I A) walk on the outsides of my feet, not over the balanced triangle that you're supposed to, or B) My serious slouching problems are starting to affect other parts of my body. I've been limping around for the last several days now. It's finally starting to feel a little better. But I can see why my sister wore splints a lot when she would have problems with her ankles.

Fall is on it's way. Which I'm thankful for. Don't get me wrong. I love shorts, tank tops, swimming, flip flops, messy buns, no make up, skinny waists, tan skin, freckles coming out of hiding. All of it. But there's something about all the colors and chilliness of fall that makes it so magical. Also, it makes cuddling bearable. When you're engaged to the biggest space heater on the face of the earth, cuddling in the summer feels like snuggling with the sun.

It seems like Dave and I are looking at a spring/early summer wedding. It's really exciting, but nerve-racking at the same time. I mean, 9-months feels like light years away. But realistically, that's less than 2 semesters. And I've never lived away from home. In my entire life. But I'm excited for all the little details. I know I want an ivory dress. I love ivory. And I know what songs I want to play at my wedding. But all the things like invitations, catering, ceremony poop, venues, and the whole enchilada are really overwhelming. But we'll figure it out. I think what I'm most excited for is perfecting our kisses so that on our wedding day, it's magical. Although they are right now....but still. Perfect kiss? Bring it.

I'm so tired. I want to fall asleep. And maybe I will go home and take a nap. I don't really feel that good right now. I feel really drained, and a little sad. I think I'm on an emotion hangover.

I want another tattoo really bad. And I think I know what I want to get. But I want to be smart about it. And wait it out for a little bit. By that same token, I want to be a dumbass, and just get the damn thing. I don't really care about what anyone else thinks about it. I'm the one that has to look at it for the rest of my life. I'm the only person that's going to be staring at myself naked in the mirror. (At least until I get married.)

My engagement ring is absolutely stunning. I love it so much. Dave, sweetheart, you did really good. I can't believe you picked it out on your own. You know me so well.

That's it for now. I'm feeling sort of sick to my stomach. I need to go take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night. I think I had a nightmare. I don't really know. I just woke up startled and a little sweaty.

Have a good wednesday. (Also. Happy Hump day.)

Song of My Heart.

So I was wrong. So wrong I can't even believe it. I found the song that sings to me no matter what mood I'm in. And it always makes me think of Dave.

This song makes me cry every single time. No matter what.

I really want to dance to this song at my wedding, but I feel like it's almost too personal. Like it's nothing I want my family and friends to see in my moment. Maybe I'm really tired.....

Hold Onto What You Believe.

Even when it's so hard, it squishes your guts.

I'm designing another tattoo. My baby tattoo isn't cutting it for me. I'm going to wait for a while on this one. I want to be sure that I really really want it. But I figure, as long as each of my tattoos have meaning, than I'm using my body as a canvas. I am in no way mutilating my body. I'm using it as an instrument of self expression and reflection.

"But ummm. Alex. What if you hate it in ten or twenty years? What about when you're seventy, and it looks like a raisin?"

That thought has crossed my mind, thank you very much. But I figure by the time I'm old and wrinkly, I'll have so much more to worry about than an old tattoo that looks like a liver spot anyway.

Day 22: A Letter.

I don't feel like addressing you like a letter, because you are scum.

For the last two years, I've been recovering. From the actions you felt so compelled to act on that Tuesday, on this date. I was left in the aftermath trying to get my shit together, and just get over it. Just stop hurting. But do you know what I keep learning over and over? It will NEVER stop hurting. No matter how much I pretend like I'll be okay. You left a deep scar. Surface level? Hell yeah, I'm okay. But I have a metaphorical abscess. And sometimes the infection takes over my brain as I try to fall asleep. It haunts me. It screams at me in the middle of the night. Or as I'm walking on a dark street. But I still fell in love. I'm still engaged. I still have to wake up every morning and thank God for every second that I have. Because life is short and sweet. And sometimes it's a little complicated. You complicated my life. Broke it even. And left me to pick up all my pieces. Spit on my pieces. You looked at me in the eyes. And you lied. And you got away with you. Congratulations. You are a world class liar. World class scum. Today. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay. I want to scream. F*CK YOU!! over and over and over and over and over again, until it possesses my body. But I don't want to give you that much credit. It hurts more this year. Last year I had hope that something would happen. And I sat there. Watched you lie. Watched you get away with it. But. I do know this. God has my back. And though I believe in the power of forgiveness. I do not feel ready to do that yet. And I can't say when I will. It will take years. It's taken me years to be able to walk in the dark without my mom on the phone, and not clutch my pepperspray with a deathgrip. But wanna know what's crazy? No matter how much I don't want to be okay, and I want to have time to grieve a sense of loss and pain, I am so okay sometimes it shocks me. Everyday, I wake up, give my little sister a hug, give my fiance a kiss. Tell my mom I love her. I go to school, have a steady job, and have time to work on homework and do well in school. I have an incredible love with my fiance, hell, we're getting married. So really. If I have anything left to say to you. It's this....

I'm very sorry for you.

Because you are a pathetic excuse of a human being.

I'll stay happy.

I'll get married.

I'll graduate college.

Maybe even graduate school.

Have beautiful babies.

Be super successful in whatever it is that I want to be.

This will not bother me everyday for the rest of my life.

I will lead an incredible life.

And you will be left as a weak memory.

A "Oh my. That was a weird time in my life."

And that's it.

So go now.

Feel the weight of your actions.

I'll be free.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I'm going to go snuggle with my fiance.

I'm going to go to work tonight.

I'm going to give my mommy a big hug.

And I'm not going to think of this dark day, two years ago.

And So It Begins...

Hooray for going to a high school college!!!
I ran into 4 people I knew from high school today.
So much for getting to start all over..
Whatever. Doesn't matter anyway.



HIGHLIGHTS FROM ALEX'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:

Woke up at 6:45 (Which should win me an award.)
Made it to class on time.
Listened to my biology professor answer the same question over.


and over.




AND OVER. About the syllabus.


Kid 1: So. ummmmm....do we like.....need the book with the access code?

Professor: Yes. That's where my curriculum is coming from.

Kid 2: But I don't understand. So I must have the textbook with the access code....do I still need the textbook?

Professor: Yes. You need the book and the access code.

Girl 1: But that book is like......40 more dollars. Do we like really really need the access code? Or could we get away without it?

Professor: JUST GET THE *#&@&^% BOOK WITH THE %o%*&# #*$&#@*  ###*@&$&@  ACCESS COOOODE!!!!!!!





He then proceeded to through a student out the window..
Except we were in an auditorium. With no windows.....

awkward.




Continuing on....


Then I had a 4 hour break in which I attempted to get the school's secure internet connection working. Either I'm super stupid, or the system is stupid. Because something wasn't working. At all.



SURPRISE!!! Alex starts to feel weird and thirsty in math class.
And her sinuses hurt in psychology class..

You guessed it.




Alex got her usual "Welcome back to school Alex. Have a cold" Cold. Which sucks, because the level of apathy for the semester or school year is usually determined by the well being of myself during the first week. So far, I have failed. So now I'm drugged on Nyquil and overusing the toilet paper next to me....

(I'm a beauty queen!!!!)

I managed to survive work. Servers are bitches. Just going to say it. 

And then I snuggled with Dave for 20 minutes. Before I went home to go to bed....it's going really well.

But he gave me amazing headphones as a back to school gift.

I just wish I could open the box. Oh well.

Time for sleeping anyway.

I'm getting loopy. 

Droopy.

Poopy.

hahahaah.

I survived my first day of college. 

So Happy I Could Poop.

Which actually means a lot coming from me.
But enough about my bathroom tribulations.



I had one of those so-happy-everything-is-absolutely-marvelous-and-the-stars-have-aligned kind of days.

It was another day that I fell deeper in love with David.

It was another day that I got to be alive and experience the essence of life.

It was another day spent with good food and friends.

It was finding the perfect solution to the stress of the moment.



You know that moment, when you've been so stressed out about something, and then all of a sudden, the exact perfect ideal situation happens. It doesn't just happen. It's given to you on a golden platter that says "free. Take me. I'll make your life happier and better." Yup. It was that awesome.


Unfortunately, I can not give details about my perfect moment for a while. It's kind of complicated, and truly, I don't know if  I could explain it if I tried.














But I'm so obnoxiously in love.



And I'm the LUCKIEST girl in the entire world.

Off My Case.

Seriously.




I'm a big girl.
I make my own decisions.

Get off.
My case.

It's Clothing...Calm Down.

No.
I'm not going to calm down.
It's not so much that I'm even worried about money.
That's not it at all.
I would buy myself new clothes if I wanted them.
But since I don't....

I just..




I don't want to face myself in the mirror.

Yes. This is stupid reasoning. I eat all the time. I never exercise. I can't bitch about my weight. And that's the truth. But I don't feel the need to sabotage any good self esteem I have left by trying on all my clothes, realizing they no longer fit, and playing the "let's buy alex all sorts of shit because she got really fat really fast!!" game. Not at all.

I don't care if I have pants that fit. Maybe I'll just wear leggings. They are sorta pants, and they cover my legs, and if they wear out, good news, I have like 3 more pairs in an assortment of colors.

Besides. Pants make me look like this.

I don't want to go shopping with anyone. I just want to go to Saver's and buy mom clothes, and close myself off from men entirely. (Sorry babe. But I'm going to look like I'm fifty...) I just can't deal with body problems, dysmorphia, any of that. And I can't feel shitty until I hit the gym.

So I'm left with no solution.

Eat until I'm 30 pounds overweight.

Or do something about it.

If only the apathy wasn't so overwhelming.....

Everything is stupid.

I can't sew. And I'm a girl.
I always lose my damn cell phone.
I have 1 pair of jeans. 1. Because I've ripped through 3 pairs in the last month.
I have a giant headache.
The f word is becoming far to easy to fall out of my face.
I hate shopping.
My best friend is half my size.
I hated work today. It really was just a shit night.
I need Dave.

0234

Sometimes I hate reading my old stuff.
Because yes.
I was sad.
And confused.


But I don't remember why.

Sometimes.

I like to pretend that you'll find me on top of all the covers.
Curled up in a ball sleeping.
My hair a mess.
Wearing a giant T-shirt and panties.
My laptop open next to me....
Opening my blue eyes.
Then closing the left one.
Stinky morning breath.
"Good morning bubba....how was work?"
You'll smile the way you do.
Get ready for sleeping.
Cuddle me.
And whisper.
"Work was okay. But I missed you all night."

Spiral.

It's probably because I'm blogging late.



So maybe I shouldn't be writing what I'm feeling.









I don't feel worthy of the life I've been enjoying recently. I don't feel worthy of the happiness, the joy, the healthy feelings, the weight gain from enjoying good food, the friends, the love, the family. Why do I get to be in such a stable place in my life?



When is it going to slip out of my fingertips, and I'll end up spiraling out of control?





Why have I, an 18-year-old little girl, found the love of my life, and one of the few respectable men there are out there?






Why do I get to be okay?


































i'm not worthy of this love.
But I'll take the ride as long as I can cling to it.

Faith

WARNING: This has my own personal spiritual beliefs and thoughts. I am not up for criticism. This is how I view my relationship with God, and I am not generalizing everyone's relationship to be this way.
This is also the first spiritual post of it's kind.




Sometimes I wonder why God has dealt me the hand He has.
Why He dealt her cancer that ended her sweet existence,
Why He dealt her the death of her husband,
Why He dealt her loneliness,
Why He dealt him depression,
Why He dealt her cancer that may change the path of her life.

I sit and I wonder why all the wonderful people in this world, have emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological, traumatic, terrible things happening to them, and they are silently strong. Holding on tight.

I ask God. And then He responds saying:

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

We are afflicted in every way possible, but we are never crushed; full of doubts, we never despair. We are persecuted but never abandoned; we are struck down but never destroyed. Continually we carry about in our bodies the dying of Jesus, so that in our bodies the life of Jesus may also be revealed.

How I interpret:

Shit is going to happen to everyone. Every single day of our lives. However, since life is all about perception, we need to see it as God giving us light touches of sympathy towards our Savior, Jesus. However, I have personally had many things in my life happen that help me relate to someone I might not have otherwise, and maybe even helped then seek further guidance than I could ever provide. The ways of God are always a mystery. We do not know how He works. When He works. Why He works. But the point being, He does work, and He shines within us.






Sometimes though, I don't want to know that God works in mysterious ways, and that this challenge will make me stronger. I just want to cry like a baby, and scream why. Why me? Why must this happen to my friends? My love? My family? Me? And I pray. And I ask God.

And then He responds like this:

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be brave and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; He will never fail you or forsake you.


How I interpret:

Kay God. I'm listening. God is with us all. Every single day. Sometimes it's easier for us to disregard His hope and strength and us, and feel sorry for ourselves, and for those around us. The world can be heavy. But we're not alone. God may not be here in the flesh. But He gives us coping mechanisms so we have people to be here with us in the flesh. Friends, family, coworkers, classmates, teachers, strangers, animals. God gives us hope, and without hope, we are nothing.




And then, when we find our way. After we have struggled. And cried. And been angry. And cursed. And didn't want to find a solution. But when we succeeded.

God responds to us like this:

Luke 15:6

Once arrived home, he invites friends and neighbors in and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep!'


How I interpret:

So ya. We're obviously not animals. We aren't fluffy or furry. But we are God's little lambs. I know I have felt like the black sheep of my family from time to time. But. God brings us back to center. He finds us, and helps us find ourselves, and when we have become everything we had dreamed. When that moment comes, and everything feels okay. God rejoices with us. Because He loves us soooo much. And unconditionally.

(I drew this)

(And this)

Dear God.
Help me have strength to deal with the emotions of today. Help me to love all those around me. Thank you for letting me wake up and experience another day today. Please bless Emily and her family with strength, and hope. Please bless Rachel with strength, hope, and peace as she prepares for treatment. Please bless Jasmine and Jenna with strength and happiness. Please bless those about to start school, especially my mom, and all those who dedicate hours to teaching and inspiring. Help me to be nice when I feel grumpy. Please help me to keep strong in good study habits. Please bless all those sick and in the hospital. Please help all those who have lost hope, or feel that they don't have friends.
But God. Thank you for every blessing I have in my life. And please continue to bless me and those around me i the way that you do. I love you so much God. I guess it's only a star in comparison to the milky way in the ways that you love me. But I do.
Amen.

Hands.

"You're going to need to put that in your other hand because you're going to hold my hand.....nnnnnmmmmmmkkkeeeh?" I say.

"Why?" He asks.

"Just...cause." Was my elaborate response.

I didn't want to say that I was afraid. And nervous. Because this was real now. I'm really growing up and going to college. I'm applying to hospital jobs. I was about to spend lots of money on books. And find my classes. And hope that I would be able to keep good grades all semester.

Of course, my sweet boyfriend didn't think another thing of my strange behavior, and just gently squeezed my hand as we approached the bookstore.

I dunno what it is. But whenever i feel scared, or nervous, or uptight, or happy, holding his hand can be an expression of how I feel. Sometimes it's a security, just like a childhood blanket. Sometimes it's an expression of love. Like saying "hey boy. i love you with my whole heart. like my myocardium is yours." Sometimes it's reassuring. Like saying. "hey boy. You can do this. be brave. you're my hero." And sometimes it says "hey boy. I'm really freaking the hell out right now. I'm losing my shit. help me hold it together."

My sweetheart has nice big manly hands. They are both longer and thicker than my own, which is nice, because I'm basically big foot of hands...



I really feel so blessed that God gave us hands. I know it sounds weird. But a lot is interpreted through touch. I paint. With my hands. I write. Using my hands. I play the piano, violin, and guitar, using my fingertips. I hold Bubba's hand....with my hands. Cool, i think.

Or maybe I'm getting really tired.


I had a good day with him today. Another day that reminds me how blessed. How truly blessed I am to be in the middle of an incredible love.

Dave even holds my hand when he's a seat in front of me on the airplane (:

(I love this boy)

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.












































I love you sweetpea.

Dear Happy Valley.

Stop being so damn happy. Seriously. In the last year alone I've had 11 friends get married, 4 have babies, and about 20 others get engaged. WE'RE FREAKING BABIES PEOPLE. Honestly. I need to run away from the place. Somewhere normal. Where getting married at 25 is young.




Because I'm about to become the world's biggest hypocrite.

Accomplishment

I'm feeling really proud of myself today.

I passed my CNA exam, and with a 90%!!!!!

Now, ideally, I would like to work in a hospital setting. There are some positions available. They are 8 hour shifts, which for me would be perfect.

I forgot what it feels like to feel secure in what it is I want to be doing.

Blog Challenge: Day 21

A picture(s) of something that makes me happy.

1. Bubbles.

This is me (:

Photo Credit: Nina Carpenter

Little Animals:

 Mollie

Salamander 

 Mouse

 Jackstopher

Porky (One of Dave and my frog)

I also enjoy cupcakes, baths, and rain.

Thunder.

I have a confession....

Sometimes thunder still scares me.
And I want to hide under my blankets.
And squeeze my eyes tight together.
Snuggle with my sister.
My boyfriend.
Someone.
Until all the thunder.
Rolls away.

For Emily.

Look at the stars,

And what will you see?
Do you see a light,

Do you see me?

Tears fall around,

Fall down for me,

But I am not there,

For I am in the breeze.

Take a deep breath,

Can you do that for me,

Remember the feel,

Because now I can breathe.

Look at the flowers,

Look at the bees,

Blink away the tears,

And don't think of me.

I'm not there in the flesh,

I'm free like the sea,

I can't feel any pain,

I can truly be me.

I'm home for Eternity,

Safe in the three,

Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,

So don't cry for me.

I am sad.

So.

He deleted me.

Why the hell do I still care? We sort of pretended to date for a while, and he broke my heart. And all for what? I was there for him through every crushing blow Depression threw at him. Tried to look past the Ambien texts. Trusted him with my personal details. Kissed him. Held him. Tried to love him. And all for what?

To be deleted.

Feel forgotten.

Have a small corner of my heart.

Cracked.

Does anyone have any sutures?

Life is too short to not:

Fall in love.
Eat good food.
Smile at a stranger.
Laugh until your sides ache.
Learn to play an instrument.
Love your job. (At least you have one)
Travel.
Appreciate nature's beauty.
Paint your toenails.
Love your body.
Get so damn mad about something your passionate about.
Run a marathon.
Pray.
Get a tattoo.
Cry it all out.
Forgive.
Love the earth's creatures.
Skip wearing undies occasionally.
Love animals.
Make your dreams reality.
Exercise.
Learn something new everyday.
Burp and fart.
Enjoy a nap.
Believe in God.
Have a baby.
Be patient.
Love your parents.
Smile.
Enjoy a dessert.
Share affection.
have a pet.
Believe in yourself.
ENJOY your adventure.

Blog Challenge: Day 20

What is the meaning behind your blog name?

I don't know that I've ever explained this to ever.
I'll start by saying this. My blog title has always been A Complex Delirium. I started my blog my ninth grade year, and at the time, I was really into Dream Theater. There is a song that is on their Octavarium album called Panic Attack. In that song, there is a line that says "Overwhelmed, by this complex delirium." Panic Attack was really my anthem in ninth grade. I was very lost, and at the time fighting anxiety and depression. Just read my past stuff, and you'll understand....I really related to the song. And so my blog became my own complex delirium. Delirium is an acute confused state, and I feel that everyone in their own way creates their own sense of confusion to protect themselves. But it's been fun to watch my blog, and blogging topics evolve. I may not have tons of followers, but it's always a good forum.

Blog Challenge: Day 19

I was camping today. 

I look keeeewwwwt.

Blog Challenge: Day 18

Something I crave a lot.


Oh man. I eat crap all the time. But I think I probably crave icy cold coke, and McDonald's hamburgers. Sometimes I want fruit.

h

Blog Challenge: Day 17

A picture of me and my familia.

My whole almost-family!

This is not my most flattering picture...

this is right after PJ and Toots got engaged. We were all so thrilled for them. They've been together for the last four years, and I am so happy to have her be part of our family. Montana was magic this year...except that my boyfriend was super sick at home :(

Day 16: My Celebrity Crush

I really suck at day challenges. But at least they'll all be done today.

So for today, it's all about celebrity crushes.

I've narrowed it down to three categories.

Men who's babies I would love to have.

Fallen angels/simply beautiful men.

And woman crushes.

Men who's babies I would love to have:

1. Zac Efron

So everyone can make fun of me, because I secretly love Zac Efron. What can I say? He's totally gorgeous, and has a dashing smile.

2. Dante Basco

His voice is so sultry. He voices the voice of Zuko in Avatar:  The Last AirBender. Not only that, but he's INSANELY talented in the realm of poetry. Honestly. There's this poetry club in LA, (I think he owns it, I'm not really sure) where it's basically an open mic poetry night. And he might have just become one of my favorite poets. 

(This is called Talk to My Soul)

3.  Tom Hardy

I realize I probably just sound like every other fan girl on the planet. But seriously. I've followed him through more than just Batman. Such as Warrior and This Means War....mmmm.

Fallen Angels, Simply Beautiful Men.

1. Brad Pitt

2. Matt Dallas

Gerard Butler

Girl Crushes

Lana Del Rey

Angelina Jolie

Jenna Marbles

Blair Fowler

Florence Welch

Reese Witherspoon

Just a Thought.

No really.

You don't understand.

But...I'm Just a Baby!!

I'm sitting here at UVU, trying to get my financial aid and classes squared away.

Seriously.

I'm sorta freaking out. There is no way I thought I was ever going to make it this far. I always dreamed that I would. And now it's as if life has kind of thrown me a curveball and said "Surprise! Get your ass to college..."

It's not a bad thing. I'm not really worried about my acedemics. (Hahahaha. Whoever knows me is laughing.) Just kidding. That's a legitimate fear. I didn't always strive for excellence in high school, and college is not even close to the same playing field. Maybe I'll just look into being in the food industry forever....Just kidding.

I know generals are there to help you decide what you want your major to be, but I've narrowed it down to 4 categories that I really want to go into....

1. Nurse
4-year degree.
Perhaps advance to a doctorate and become a Nurse Midwife.

2. LCSW
6-year degree.
Open my own office and help teens and children fix themselves.

3. English Education
4-year Degree
Teach at a high school.

4. Graphic Design
Work for companies designing logos.


I'll probably stick with at least one of the first three. I would be really good at any of those. Except I'm a little scatterbrained, so maybe being a teacher wouldn't be the best thing that's ever happened....

Ahh.

Tragedy.

Pray for the victims of this horrific tragedy.

Here's the Deal.

Whether she hates me or not.

I don't give a damn.

Day 15: Something I don't leave the house without.

My pepperspray.

Because you just never know.

Day 14: A TV Show You're Currently Addicted To.

Well, I just finished it, but i loooved it.

Better Off Ted. I have never laughed so hard at a TV show in my entire life. I was so sad when it was over!!

Day 13: Your Favorite Musician and Why

Firstly.
Florence + The Machine. I've been all but obsessed with her for this entire year. But after seeing her live, I've realized how talented she really is. She's classy and artistic.

Avenged Sevenfold. I've loved them for the majority of my teenage years. They sing to whatever mood I'm in, and they are incredibly talented. I saw them live this year, and honestly, it kind of blew my mind.

Lana Del Rey. She is so damn sexy. And her music sings to my soul. Seriously. She was a writer before she became a musician, and she has this deep husky voice, and she's this gorgeous tiny brunette.

Led Zeppelin.

I was raised on these guys, and they are probably the most talented musicians to ever grace the face of the earth.

Tool. 

They are the most revolutionary metal band, without a doubt, the best progressive metal band ever. They have multidimensional songs, that seriously....blow my mind everytime.