Overwhelmed.

There's too many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I know she needs me, but since she never tries to call or text, and has basically given up, why should I try? Try to do what exactly....Understand? I've tried. But I'm constantly shoved out, so it doesn't really make a difference.

Last night was pretty much a wonderful night. Sari, Eric, and Jesse and I went to Zupas for some soup and delightful eating, then drove over to sariah's house to watch a movie. We were going to watch The Haunting in Connecticut, but her netflix was taking it's sweet time, and well, that didn't end up happening. So we watched The Others instead. hahah. I don't remember much of the movie. A) Because I kept falling asleep B) I was to busy paying attention to something else. Jesse has finally made the move. I know he's comfortable with me. We cuddled as we watched the movie, and I was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat. Whenever I'd move my arm, or readjust, his heartrate would go up. Hahaha. We held hands with one hand, and he traced shapes on my arm with his fingertips with his other. The equation. I fell asleep quite literally in his arms. But it was all innocent. The movie finished. Hahaha. I woke up, and we drove him home. (We picked him up, because the whole driving thing was really weird.) When we both got out of the car, he gave me the best hug in the WHOLE world. He just held me there for a bit. Then he pulled back.

And.

He.

Kissed.

Me.

It was super short. But. He FINALLY kissed me. We've been dating exclusively for almost 2 months, and it finally happened.

I whispered good night so that my voice wouldn't give away how happy I was inside.

Then I went into Sariah's car. And couldn't stop smiling.

That sealed the deal. I'm pretty sure we're basically together now.


Then....I had a terrifying nightmare last night.

I was at walmart with my mom and my aunts, and they didn't have any more carts, so they gave me a motored one, and I was holding Ethan, but I was going too fast, and I dropped him, and kept going until I realized I had. Then I ran back to him, but an elderly couple had already picked him up, and said he wasn't breathing. So my aunt runs up, but I was a coward, and started bawling, and ran into the bathroom where it's poorly lit, and there's only 2 stalls. I look around for a knife, and find one on a shelf, and hid in the stall that I had to hold shut because there was no lock. As I'm about ready to slit my wrists until I bleed to death, and possibly stab myself, my aunt pulls on the door, and I hide the knife in the toilet. She tells me that Aunt Chochy and the baby are in an ambulance, and that the baby is brain dead, but it's okay. Then i can't stop crying, and everyone at school starts giving me money and socks to try to make me happy, but I can't stop crying. I was bawling. Then my aunt chochy comes up to me as I'm sitting on the floor and tells me that Ethan isn't breathing, and he's braindead, but it's okay.

I woke up shaky, disturbed, wrapped up in my sheets, and sweaty and crying.

So now I feel like a zombie. There's too many emotions in my heart right now. Or is it my mind? I don't know.

Christmas.

So Christmas this year was probably one of the best ever.

On Christmas Eve, we went to mass, and honestly, I was sooo impressed with Father Dave's homily.
"When we think of the true meaning of Christmas, it's easiest for us to think of the birth of Jesus. That's what most people think of, so it's pretty regular. But when you look at the flipside of things, you see Joseph trying to do what's best for Mary and himself. He divorced her quietly, which in those times, was all merciful. When the angel appeared in his dream, telling him to take Mary into his home, and to name the baby Jesus, he was all ready to take responsibility, and take full care of Mary. Then we're drawn to Bethlehem, the place of Jesus' birth. There wasn't a place for Mary to give birth, so Joseph, in loving his wife as much as he did, had to go for the next best, and available thing. Joseph supported Mary, and supported Jesus. So you really start to see the meaning of Christmas. It was the Joy of Christ's birth, and an emphasis of the meaning of family."

This was amazing. Because I had never thought of it that way before. I enjoyed the rest of mass, and went home to enjoy Christmas Eve dinner, with my family. My mom made delicious roast, potatoes, salad, and some yummy rolls. And of course there was eggnog, and sparkling cider for those who weren't old enough to toast with wine. (Or were old enough and didn't like wine. Sophie...Alex....Gramma...hahahaha) The toasts were amazing. I honestly remember everyone. Sophie's was to being healthy, and moving forward with life. Gramma's was the happiness our family has brought us. My mom's was how amazing our family's strength was. My dad's made us all cry. Every person in my family has had a heavy cross at some point this year. Somewhere where they wanted to give up. But the strength, and love and support of our family, kept us together. He loves us, and wants the best for us. (That's the gist of it. The whole thing was a lot longer.) Mine was about the importance of family. Being a teenager I assume that my friends can replace my family. But by doing that, I'm acting clinically insane. This year has shown me that your family is there to catch you when you fall. It's like falling off a trapeze without a harness, but your family keeps you from falling too far. Sara's was (Correct me if I mess it up. Mkay? (: ) about how amazing it is that she's got to have experiences with each one of us that has made her love each of us that much more, because she's understanding more about how we tick. She loves us, and our strengths. My brother was the comedic relief in a sense. We all went into 2010 thinking, thank God 2009 is over. Well, I wish 2009 was this last year, because 2010 has been pretty difficult. He continued to say that our family is what held him together, and that he loves us. Then Sara and I thought of 2 more. My grandpa Jim. I love him so much. We all do, but without him, and his amazing example of strength, we wouldn't be who we are today. And of course to God. God has blessed us, and myself with such a supportive and amazing family. God is the reason, we're all still around.

Then we ate, and talked and laughed. And watched my sister Sara on TV!!! That's right. She danced with The Mormon Tabernacle Choir for their Christmas concert last year, and we got to watch it. The camera man loooved her. (Who wouldn't) And so we got to see her a lot!! It was AWESOME!!!! Then we opened our pixie gifts. Sara had me, and got me exactly what a wanted: A book. It's called Oogy. Seriously, one of the best gifts I got this Christmas. I had Daddy, and hooked him up with some Ute gear. Because we need that for BYU valley. To remind them who's boss (: Then I drove Gramma home. As I opened the door, there was a gift for me on my front step. It was from Jesse. I heard his truck around the corner, and realized I must have barely missed him. When I took it inside, and my family asked who it was from, I blushed crimson, and they all knew it was from Jesse. Hahaha. So I took Gramma home, I wrapped all my family's gifts, and went to sleep. I always have a hard time staying asleep on Christmas. I guess it's that juvenile excitement that still exists.

Then Christmas came!!!!!

I got some amazing gifts, and everyone loved what I got them. I called Jesse to thank him for his thoughtful gift, and stumbled on my words as usual. hahahaha.

We had our Christmas breakfast, then chilled for a while I took a bath. Then we all went over to my Gramma Lynne's for Christmas dinner. We watched Despicable me for the second time that day. And enjoyed each other's company. Good day.





I forgot to mention. I did all my Christmas shopping on Christmas eve, because that was when I got my paycheck. I made Goodman's shirt a couple times, because after I made the first one, I realized I wrote: I <3 Procor. Great. So I went back to the craft store, bought more spray, and made the right one. I <3 ProcTor. Proctor. Proctor. Hahahaha.


God bless.

-

Why do I have to feel like I have to be strong for everyone?

Winter Break Is FINALLY Here.

Seriously. I can. NOT. Wait.

The.

End

What I love.

What I love. In order of most irritating to least irritating.

Photoshop. It's not enough that trying to use photoshop with your mouse is a pain in the ass, but if you're not careful, and save every couple of seconds, it will proceed to delete everything you've been working on for the last couple of hours.

Migraines. Who doesn't love feeling like your neck is going to explode? Me. Me. Pick me!!!

Grooveshark. It used to be fast, but now because so many people use it, it's slow.

Friends. Nough said. It's definately a love hate relationship.

Art. Well. As we all know, art has been a struggle for poor little alex. But she'll get it someday.

Boys. I still don't understand why God wasted the time to make guys. Why not make girls asexual and save yourself some time?

Purple hair. Grapehead....yeah. That's my name currently. Thanks Marinello. I asked for REDISHBROWN. Not purple. So now I look like those wannabe emo kids. You know, the ones that dye their hair purple so we can understand their purple suffering?

School. Pretty sure I failed the math test today. Which is great. Because now I'm remembering everything that I could have done right, but I screwed up on anyway. So much for an A. I knew it was too good to be true.

Geez. I have a lot to say today.

I hate quiet. And that's how photo is right now. SILENT!!!! And I don't even know why. I guess we're all working. (except me. I'm blogging)

Not having any more knuckles to pop. I don't know why it's so entertaining for me. It's actually mostly pathetic.

Being so far away from Suzanna. So what if she has a boyfriend? She could of had a boyfriend here. Or if I could get over there somehow. I don't know.

My body. Sure. I'm not doing anything. I need to go to the gym, and take some fitness classes, and start running again. I kind of gave up on that. Which is SOOOOO lame. But why can't I be skinny naturally? Because. My life said HELL NO!!!!

Nick. 'Nough said.

Music. It all seems so bland to me right now. So I'm trying out some old bands I liked a couple of songs, and giving them a genuine chance.

Feeling sad. Do I have a reason? No. Not today anyway. I've had a pretty excellent day I guess in the big picture. I think it's because I'm still feeling yucky. So it's hard to tell if I'm really happy or unhappy. I think I need a nap.

Naps. I always wake up WAY later than I intend to.

My neck hurting. I know. I already talked about this one. But I hate feeling achy. I always forget when I complain about being kind of sick, how shitty it is to actually be sick.

Violin. But we got new music, so I'm actually bringing it home today.....maybe.

I miss Tim Burton. I need to make a list. Of movies. That I need to watch.

My family. They're amazing, but I miss them right now. I don't even know why. It's like I'm homesick, but I'm only at school. hahahaha.

Hhahahahahaha.

My job. GO TO HELL CLAIRE'S!!!! Seriously. I think I would of had more fun working in the food court. And it's almost 3 pay periods that I haven't been paid now. And not to mention my lack of hours is always wonderful. Life's a peach.

Christmas. OH MY GOSH!!!!! I just had a good idea. I'm going to make a list of stuff I'm going to get people this year, but set a budget, so I don't overspend, and not have any money for Christmas break.

Speaking of which. I need to go onto KSL.

Peace!!!!!

why.

Why. Why. Why. Why can't I f*cking draw??????

I want it to snow.

Once upon a time....

There was a little girl. She didn't get to make a snowman the last time it snowed, because it was too powdery. She lived in Utah, so she assumed it would snow in the near future. Then. Christmas came along. And it snowed. It didn't rain. It snowed. And all the little children rejoiced.

The end.

-

I'll get it someday.

Trust.

Wow. I've been thinking about last night and he probably thinks I'm super dramatic. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him why I was sad yesterday, and have him hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Well he hugged me. And told me he wasn't going to force me to tell him anything. I know I can trust him. He hugged me, and I almost started crying. So I apologized.

He doesn't care about what I look like, when I talk too much because I'm embarrassed. I think he's pretty genuine. But it's kind of too early to tell. All I know is that I love talking to him even though I know I probably sound like I'm stupid, and don't know what's going on.

My new Hurr....

It's dark. It's reddish. IT'S FREAKING SEXY!!!!!



(But my hair isn't this long. Bummer.)

Starbucks. And Zupas.

Once upon a time. There was a girl named Alex. And she needed her coffee fix. So she went to......STARBUCKS!!!!!! Doo doooo dooooOO!!!!

So she got a vanilla frapp!!!!!!

The end.

She also went to Zupas and got tomato basil soups. THE END FOR REAL!!!

Too Much To Say

Good news. My mind is going so fast that I can't really verbalize what I'm thinking. That's great. Because I'm sure all of you bored enough to read my blog don't really care about what I have to say, because you read it out of boredom.

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo needing my hair appointment tonight. I think I'm going to get a facial too, because I seriously feel so stressed out. Bad mojo. But I had a moment today, that I'd like to share.

I was falling,
But now I've been caught,
I was drowning,
But I'm revived.
He caught me,
Carried me,
Kept me going.
My Father,
Sent me the love,
From my family,
My friends,
Everyone I needed.
To make it through.
The rough patches.

I love you Jesus.

In Journalism 2 or maybe 3.....

I'm so sick of blogging.

Man, I wish I was skinny, and had nice boobs, and maybe a butt. I seriously would be feeling SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much happier if I didn't need to worry about that. Why does Suzanna get the hot bod?

Seriously. She's skinny. Pretty. Has hair that actually grows, (unlike the weeds that I call my hair.) Her hips are proportional to the rest of her body, and she has small feet.

Censored Feelings

I'm really working on trying not to let myself hurt over stupid little things. Butt hurt as Dommy calls it. But sometimes it's hard. When someone said something just to be deliberately mean, or you realize (I realize) that I can try my entire life and my art skills will never be as good as half of the people I know. Granted I live in Utah. In other states, art isn't pushed as hard, so most everyone feels talented.

But. Christmas. Is. Coming. And I'm not feeling it this year. Maybe I'm just in the buhumbug funk, but this is the first year I'm not genuinely excited for Christmas. Last year, it was all about Sophie's healing, so it was nice to get her some cute gifts for the hospital, and for when she got home. But this year, not only am I almost entirely broke because I haven't been paid, but I don't really know how to feel about everything. I'm like a big massive dump of confused.

So I'm learning how to censor my feelings. If nothing else, I can always say I'm doing great, even if I want to scream my guts out. It's important. I think anyway. Basic skills, but learning censorship may help me feel less sad. Because that's a good work for the strange moods I've been in lately.

Sad. Sadness is an emotion. Right? So it shouldn't last more than a couple of days. Hours. Something like that. Because we experience many emotions a day. Happy, sad, irritable, grumpy, giggly, whatever. Learning how to experience all of these. It's not like my life is even bad. I mean I'm running a sock drive because some people can't afford socks. I've never been in a position where that was a concern.

But. I love my family.

And I'll learn to love my life.

Leave Me In Piece(s)

I don't want to trust you.
You're going to run away from me,
Just as I catch up.

Why am I so drawn to you,
When I should be drowning,
There's something in your eyes,
That say there's no use trying.

So leave me.
Leave me in peace.
Run wherever you need to go,
go,
Just leave,
Leave me in peace,
Because everytime you go,
You leave me in pieces.

...

Feeling. Feeling. Feeling. I'm feeling happy. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling silly. Who gives a chizz about what you're feeling?! Why is it all about "feeling"? I can feel sad and angry and confused, but still BE fine.

"It has been said that 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, in protecting it's sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But it's never gone."

-Rose F. Kennedy

Confusion.

I found a song yesterday, and I loved it. It was just on the radio. Which isn't that normal for me. I keep thinking about how much I really am a mess.

I basically humiliated myself yesterday...multiple times actually. Ice cream was the worse thing ever. I thought it'd be all sweet and productive, but we went by where I work, and well, it's safe to say I'm not the person that he thinks I am. And yeah. I shouldn't have to try and hide who I am. But I don't think I scared him off.

Dear Grandpa Albus,

I'm having boy troubles. And since you're well...you know. I f you could tell me what to do it'd be amazing.

Lots of love.

Alex

Dear Alex,

Eat lots of cabbage. It's good for your colon.

Love,

Whoever I'm dressed up as today.

Dear Whoever I'm dressed up as today,

What the hell? I mean heck? I forgot I'm in Utah. I'll get persecuted if I swear. LOL! But anyway. Who cares about cabbage? And actually, it's really bad for you colon. It's light colored, so therefore there isn't any fiber. I know, because I'm a nutrition minor.

Lovingly,

Juddly.

Dear Juddly,

I decided to actually read your first post now, considering I apparently said the wrong thing. I will give you some MAGIC advice. Give up on Muggle boys. Wizards are where the somethin' somethin' is at.

Love,

Albly Dalbly Falbly Doo!

Dear Grandpa Albly,

He isn't a muggle boy. He's a wizard. Somethin' somethin'??? WHAT?!?!?!

Love.

Me.

Dear Me,

I'm not quite sure why I am writing to myself, so I'll just ignore me and write to Alex. Somethin' somethin' refers to the lingo of today's kids. Get with the time you carpet-bagger!

Love

You.

Dear You,

You suck at this advice thing. I knew what you were referring to, I just wanted to pretend I didn't. also. Why is Xmas the worst ever???? Why is advent supposed to be beautiful, and I'm hating it? You don't know what advent is.....just kidding.

Whatever.

Judd

Dear Judd.

who ARE you?! No really... who are you?

Venom.

So I was in art class today, and seriously, I was in the worst mood ever. It was like I was a bitter old woman. Hahaha. But it's not funny. I was working on my fetus painting, and I just hate it. Seriously. Everytime I start a project, I end up hating it. I think the only project I didn't hate was the watercolor of myself last year, but I stayed up till 3 that night, so it didn't really matter. And I ended up HATING THAT anyway. Ugh. X_X Dead.

Ummm. So the sock drive is slightishly stressing me out. I'm worried about outcome. Like my mom said, if you even get 10 pairs of socks, you're making a difference, but seriously, I could just go buy a package of socks myself if the outcome was that low. Which makes me feel embarrassed. I'm always embarrassed. Like nothing I say is worth listening to. Ever. Which I guess most people feel like.

I don't know why I'm in such a weird mood today. It's like I know I SHOULD be happy, because I'm healthy, and I'm doing decently in school finally, and I'm trying my best to stay orginized, but there's this dark shadow. It's really making me kind of trip. It's like the raincloud analogy. There's a dark cloud above my head, but everytime I start to get really low, the sun shines, and makes me feel bright and shining again.

It's inconsistent.

I just popped my back (: Now I'm trying to smile when I feel like screaming. It's not as easy as it sounds.













But now I have to think about why I'm lucky to be alive.
Not everyone has that chance.
People die young.













Sariah was so sad yesterday. I tried to help her, but I felt entirely powerless. I guess I need to be patient.













PS. Happy December. (:

Everything I Need to Get Out of My System

GAAAAAAAH!!!!! My emotions are so inconsistent. Happy. Sad. Irritable. Happy. Embarrassed. Grumpy. Angry. Happy. Giddy. Meeeh.
I just want to say lots of naughty words, but I don't think that would be very appreciated. So, instead I'll pretend that I don't want to say them at all.

So much for staying skinny. Wrestling worked great, until I had to stop, and now, I'm gaining ALL THE WEIGHT back. Oh well. I just need to start running again. There is no way in hell I'm going to be able to lose as much weight as I was initial. But it'd be cool if I just started doing stairs all the time. It seriously revved my metabolism.

Why the hell did I ever cut my bangs? They were FINALLY long enough. I could style them, they looked relatively cute, and then....CHOP. I always want to cut my hair whenever I'm with Nina. I don't know why. Hahaha. So Neen, next time I come over, hide you scissors. I might chop my hair again.

Couldn't sleep very well last night. I was hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold all night. And then I was having really really really strange dreams. I don't really remember much of it, but it's freaking retarded.

Speaking of dreams....I had a SERIOUSLY graphic nightmare the evening before Thanksgiving. I only remember it spotty like, but I woke up crying for the first time in a long time.

Which reminds me...Crying sucks. S-U-C-K-S!!! I started crying for no reason last night. Not sobbing. Just. Crying. It was soooo lame. I wrote in my journal for the first time in months. It was really nice to be able to get rid of everything I was feeling. I took like a gigantor brain dump all over my journal. I wrote like 3 pages....

So now happy stuff.
Fluff. OH MY GOSH!!!! I finally started a piece in art today!!!! We're doing contour watercolors, and I'm doing a fetus!!! It's so cute!!!! Awwww. And I did a damn good job. Seriously. Everything is AWESOME!!!! MY IDEA FOR SAID PIECE: Paint the heart red and have it fade out into the black and white. IT"S GOING TO BE BOSS!!!!!

Yay!!!!!!

So now for the really simple easy stuff.....School....is lame. With the bright exceptions to everyday. Katie seriously has been my Godsend. Like really, I couldn't ask for a funnier person to make me happy every single day of my life. And Sariah gets me. I don't really know how to explain it. She just knows. She knows when I need a hug....or some gum, or maybe just a ride, to skip 3rd period and watch what I like about you instead. Hahahaa.

I wish...
-I was normal (Sometimes. Being different can be a good thing. And it's not like I'm so radically different that I can't relate to anybody, because realistically, I can relate to almost everybody)
-I was skinny. (Naturally. Without trying. I dont' care if I'm not "curvy." I'd rather be skinny than curvy any day)
-I wasn't so anxious. (It's not that I'm even paranoid. I just feel really anxious lately, like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what that is)
-I wish I was part of the religious norm (Don't get me wrong. I'm so proud to be Catholic, and to have such an amazing relationship with God, but it's frustrating when I realize, I can't get married in Orem. Because I'll never be the cookie cutter that I need to be)
-I had more hours at work (I realize that I'm technically "Holiday Help", but I'm working at minimum wage, and get 1 shift a week. Wow. Go nuts.)
-I knew what to get everyone for Christmas (But this I'm completely okay with. because this is my favorite part of Christmas. I think I'm going homemade for some of the Family gifts this year)
-He noticed. (That I am quite possibly the most embarrassed person in the entire world)


THE END!!!!!

Art Inspiration.

Thanks Jesse. Seriously. Bouncing ideas (even if I was the one coming up with them) Made me feel a little less burned out. You're seriously awesome.

Snowman!!!

I'm off to make a snowman with my little cousins for the first time in years!!! I'm so excited!!!!

U-T-A-H!!!! Let's go UTAH!!!!!

OH MY HELL!!!!!! That game was CRAZY!!!!

17-16. UTE WIN. And kind if the finale to holy wars.

I froze my ass off. It was so worth it. Rushing the field with my dad was unforgettable. I'll write all about it on Monday. Or maybe later tonight (:

Bliss Can Be Cold.

I mean that literally. I experienced moments of bliss, in his friend's FREEZING cold basement. It was just soooo easy.

We wanted to do something all day, so he picked me up, and we drove over to his friend's house to eat caramel corn and watch horror movies. Hahahaha. So we made caramel corn (I burned some of the popcorn....oops.) And went into the basement where all of his friend's were gathered. We tried this AMAZING chocolate that his friend's mom made. So yummy.

So anyway.
We were watching Nightmare on Elm Street-pretty good movie. And he put his arm around me, and we just stayed like that. We were laying on the ground, because those were the only places left, so I rested my head on his chest. It was pretty comfy. Even if I did almost freeze to death. We laughed or grimaced at the bloody death of Freddy's victims. And we basically stayed like that the entire movie. He laced his fingers in mine halfway through the movie. It was all so "G" rated, but it felt okay. Like nothing was pushy.. And being in a group of people, definitely was a plus.

Then we were choosing another movie. Hahaha. He covered my eyes at all the sketchy movie covers, as we were going over the netflicks. Baha. Then we started watching a movie that I remember what it's called, because everyone was talking, and I seriously can't remember anything about the movie at all. But basically. We stayed "cozy" and relaxed. Well. Almost. It was so cold that I lost feeling in my toes, and fingers. He played with my fingers. Kinda. He just brushed my fingertips with his. All very sweet. hahaha. But, not anything over the top.

Then he took me home. He opened my door, and we drove in the freezing cold. He walked me up to my door...actually garage. Front door was locked. Pretty Lame. But I opened the garage, and he gave me a hug. And I dunno. Call me cheesy: But the way he pulled me so close was AMAZING!!!! Hahahaha. I felt so happy. And now I can't stop smiling.

What am I? A little girl with a crush? Yep. That's exactly what I am. But it's nothing complicated either. It's simple.

So that was my cold bliss. (:

Thanksgiving.

I have so much to be thankful for. But at this very moment in time.

I'm most thankful for my incredible family.

They've supported me through everything.

And Suzanna.
Who's seen my worst, and enjoyed my best.

Not Sure What to Think of It.

I wake up,
To a good morning text,
Bright and early,
To make sure I'm awake.

Bored in class,
My phone buzzes,
New text:,
To make me smile.

Bad disheartening day,
A look in the eye,
A tight hug that tells me,
He understands and knows.

Soft spoken words,
That only a piano can speak,
Clair De Lune or Prelude in E,
Whispers what can't be said.

Weekday Evenings,
Whatever they bring,
Conversation and Laughter,
Or an early curfew.

Weekend entertainment,
A ride in a red truck,
Rocking out to cool music,
Or hanging at the park.

Open my doors,
Walk me to my porch,
I give you a hug,
Hoping you'll want more.

It scares me when,
I want to go faster,
Because in the end,
What if I never mattered?

It's been a while now,
Irrational worries,
But from time to time,
Isn't it normal?

Try to be cool,
Hang with your crowd,
I speak strange things.
When I'm slightly tweeking out.

Text me good night,
Bid me farewell,
Until tomorrow morning,
Good night and sleep well.


Heart churning blood,
Whenever you're near me,
Why am I giddy?
It's only a crush.

Characteristics. of. my. Fiance?

Italian.

Hitman.

Hott.

Sweet.

Convincing.

Liar.

Good Liar.

Pretty eyes.

Muscular.

Tall.

NO NASTY ARMY TIME WATCHES! (Digital...to make SOMEONE happy)

Smart.

Funny.

Love coffee.

Drinks lots of water.

Has incredible bladder control.

Hufflepuff.

Guitar.

Piano.

Good at rockband.

Enjoys sitting on roofs.

Male.

Poetic. (Writes poetry...and I'm his muse)

Good Kisser.

Can spell stuff.

Good at math.

Dark hair.

Big hands.

Cuddly (:

Clearly, this list is way too specific. Alex should instead make a list of the 9 or 10 most important qualities that are vital to a happy marriage. Dark Hair? Really. If he's perfect in any other way...pretty sure sitting on roofs don't mean jack.

Dear Wesley.

This is all clearly a HAHAHA moment. Why is your knee about to explode? Not that I care... Here's the deal. I'm freaking bored. So if you don't mind, I need to come up with why I love my fake "fiance" And besides, the more picky I am about what I want in a guy, the less chance I am to get hurt as bad I have been in the past.

Thanks.

Dear Alex,

This is Santa. I cannot afford to kidnap another guy for you. It is simply not legal, and completely unethical. (Just because I'm obese, doesn't mean I don't know what unethical means)

Love you and your dogs,

Santa Claus

UNinspired.

I hate sitting here in art class starting lots of art projects, but never having the guts to finish it. It's so incredibly frustrating. It's all I can think about. Art. Shit. Art. Sucks. Art. Crap. Art. Not fun. Art. NOT my career.

I feel like poop in art. All the time. Because I'm so BURNT OUT!!!!! I look at everything that I finished last year, and I did so so so many projects. But this year, I haven't really done anything.

Dear Religion.

Go away. It makes my life harder than it needs to be.

Not love,

Alex

Feeling. Blue?

First documented picture.

Ninth Grade

(My favorite of us ever. We both look pretty)

Hahaha. Just another day in paradise

Walking all over orem together.

Suzie's deals...9th Grade

This past summer. Walking to harmons.

She helped me get over my shorter haircut that day.

This looks like a modeling ad, for us both. Good job Neen (:





Where did you go? We were so close. I remember the very day we had that conversation. "There basically isn't anything that would tear us apart. Because we'll always be there for each other. I freaking love you woman!" What happened to that? I realize it was the summer, and we were both far happier, and we spent basically every second we could together. But have our lives gotten so complicated that there is really never time for each other? We made plans saturday, and they fell through. I'm not blaming you, or me, because neither of us really made it that big of a priority. But seriously, what happened to "I hope your home, because I'm parked outside your house." Babe. We were close. We were best friends. You say you don't feel like you have any friends. But I'm right here. I'm in the wings, waiting for you to gesture me back onto the stage.....metaphorically speaking. I'm waiting for you to call me and be like "Dude, I don't give a shit if you have a date with that kid. We're hanging out. And that's that." We used to be like that.
Remember when?
-We walked down to the movies without our bras on, after we had spent the whole day at the mall, walked up to a random chicken man, and took pictures with him?
-We were both sad we didn't get asked to prom, so we dressed up in pretty dresses, did our hair all nice, went to smiths, bought drinks and jelly belly's and took lots of stupid cheesy pictures, while singing Adam lambert all the way home?
-You were worried about Amy forgetting you because she was getting married, and we talked about it, until you knew you would almost be okay?
-We made fun of Courtney's smile....everytime we've ever hung out?
-Making a terrible "horror movie" at the beginning of the summer, that in actuality just sucked?
-When I went to girls camp, then montana, then you went to girls camp, and we didn't really see each other in July, and we were both emotional when we saw each other again, and you gave me the best card I've ever received, and I still have it, and look at it, and wish we were back to normal?
-When we took our first summer photoshoot, you documented hoboness, we were almost attacked by demon deer, and we went to blickenstaff's?
-We spent every penny we had at the pay it yourself at smiths.....when we paid in ALL pennies?
-When I was angry at my parents, and my siblings and my life, and you talked to me about it, and made me feel all better, and we did our hair and make up, and took photobooth pictures?
-When you were grounded from your computer, and you called me upset, and we talked about it?
-When we colored with chalk, and you made a chalk bed...Did I mention I asian?
-When I called you after every break up for words of encouragement?
-When we stopped calling, texting, blogging, facebooking, and slipped silently out of each others lives?
-When we were both lonely because neither of us would admit that we missed our best friend.
-When we stopped acting like best friends?


What happened to us?
We make up, but never have really made up. There's a big crack in our friendship that we need to cover with a big band aid of love. You know what I mean?

Life is sweet like a cupcake....but it's even sweeter when your best friend puts sprinkles on the top, just because she knows you like them.

I'm sorry for not being there. It's not a very friend like thing to do. I'm sorry you've felt alone. I'm sorry you're struggling and suffering, but it's not going unnoticed.
I'm sorry I never called/texted back.
I'm sorry I was angry.

Let's fix this.

I love you Marina Sofia Carpenter.

Dear Art.

GO TO HELL!!!!!

Not love,
Alex

Bloggers UNITE!!!!

Dear Sara.
I was reading your blog yesterday, and I agree. I got a lot out of the homily 2 nights ago as well. Which is funny, because I was talking to mom about it, and she got a lot out of it, butn not as much as us. I wish you would've gone to St. Cathy's with us, and eaten at The Pie (They had spaghetti again.) But. All is well.
Love you!!!

Alex.

So today feels like the biggest waste of a day ever. I realized I F***ed up all of my proportions on my oil painting.....and had to start ALL over. Thanks a heap oil paints, you're awesome.

On other retarded news.....

Katie and I came up with a great story to kill the fiance and baby in a story I'm writing. Here's the idea.

The girl doesn't know that her fiance is part of the Italian Mafia, so he goes to a conference meeting (AKA he's a hitman, and has to kill someone) And he backs a picture of his woman in his boxers. (For uhh....safe keeping. Because who would guess that you would keep a picture there? Not me) So he goes to kill the guy, but he dies instead, by the mob boss's son. So the guy that killed the girl's fiance, comes across the picture of her, and does a background check, and figures out where she lives. He falls madly in love with the girl, and goes to seduce her. She opens the door, and finds out that he killed her fiance. So she grabs a knife from the kitchen, and tries to stab him, but he takes the knife from her, and stabs in the stomach multiple times, and accidently kills the baby she's carrying (She's pregnant) With her last bit of strength, she grabs a knife from the drawer, and stabs him in the kidney, then passes out on the floor.
THE END.


So there it is.

Did I mention I asian?

Hahaha. I'm on one right now. I can't stop giggling. Hehehee.

What's a religious good? A jesus pie??? -Katie Swain.

"KATIE!!!! I've solved all the problems in your life!!! Just close your eyes when you kiss him!!! Then you won't laugh!!!"

And now for the stuff that genuinely makes me feel funny.

Hahaha.
1. Realizing he caught me staring (even though I was totally staring off into space....duh.)
2. Not quite deciding if I have a wedgie or not, so feeling unsure if it's appropriate to pick it.
3. Stretching in class. I stretch like every 5 seconds.
4. Digestive issues that I'm still facing. Sara. The fiber isn't working.
5. Realizing everyone looks at me as I try to turn off the ringer on my phone, when it's in my bra, and I probably look like I'm not trying to turn off my ringer.

The end.

Peace!!!

A Day in the Life of a Censored Me.

(Me and mama....if we were fish...and I was Blue....And she was orange....with clown stripes)



Dear Mom,
I love it when you read my blog over my shoulder.
Internet Censorship? I think yes.
Mommy censorship? Mommy agrees.
Freedom of speech? Not until I'm 18.
Freedom of speech? As long as it's what I want wanna hear!!
Giggles? Obviously.
Giggles. Ha....ha.............


ha.

Should I post a picture of Finding Nemo? I vote Yes!!!!

You can't vote.....you're not 18.

So? Should I still post the picture?

I guess......If mama bear approves.

Access.......Granted!!!

Yay!!! I hacked my own Computer!

Hi Sara Grayce.
How's the foot?
Are you making good choices?
Are you reading this with Kenny?
Or Vorstink?
Or PEEEEJAAAY? Maaa broseph.
Well..
Okay.


[Itches scalp]

Nick has behavioral problems.

Sophie's school friend,
not to be confused with my relative.

BEEP*

My phone is dying.

Mom's going to bed.

Good night.
Night Dad!!!
Night Meeerm!!!

Yes Sophie. I actually am posting this.

Hahahahaha. I made a funny.

Bye..

Internet censorship.
Go away.
Or gotta go?

Top 5 Best Feelings Ever (Anna Inspired):

1. Clean Sheets + Shaved legs
2. When you START a Haagan Daaz (Not so much when you finish it)
3. A really long cry in a chick flick....Remember Me. The Last song. <3
4. Out of the Dryer Sweats. Especially when it's snowing....like this evening.
5. Knowing that your family has your back....priceless. Just kidding. That's not original..

So my real number 5.

Falling asleep with Ali. The alligator that I've had since close to birth.

Taaaaaa Duuuuh!!!!

Now it's bed time.
Because mom is reading this over my shoulder!

I have nothing worth saying.

Hahaha. I was so right.

WIN!!! Points for Alex!!! I can't go longer than about 24 hours without blogging something. Yes. I'm addicted. DUDE!!!

I have the big dipper of bruising on my hip. It's so sweet!!! Until the day I die!!!!

Alice in chains!!!!!

I'm basically addicted to asian candy.

Also.

I'm angry.
I'm angry about last night.
I'm angry at my family.
I'm angry at my friends.
I'm angry at him.
I'm angry at myself.
I'm angry at them.
I'm just angry.

Smile. Pretend it doesn't hurt.

Down in a hole,
Feeling so small,
Down in a hole,
Losin my soul.

Alice in chains.


My seams are ripping.
Just kidding.

I wish I was normal.
But that's not how it is.

AMEN!

A Crushed Dream.

4 Weeks ago, Sy inspired me to try a new sport. So I went to an early morning wrestling practice. And learned a lot. I went to a couple more. I was falling in love with it. I was getting good at it, and not to mention sweating, and working my ass off. I figured out Jesse wrestled on day 1, and we've become really close because of wrestling.
Hell week comes. I'm stoked. I know I'm better than half the guys on team. They call it hell week for a reason. I went through all the conditioning, and hardcore afterschool practices, I was getting good, then I told my mom....she pulled the plug.

So I'm not allowed to wrestle. She might of well as told me to kill some small puppies, and bring her the hearts. The thing is, wrestling is what's given me the strength to move on. It's been mentally, emotionally, and physically challenging, but it's given me the tools to handle everything. When I'm angry, take them down harder, when I'm happy, run an extra lap, when I'm feeling fat, run 10 extra laps. I don't crave sugar anymore, because I was worried about making weight.

So what if I break my face? Or a rib? I'm HAPPY. H-A-P-P-Y!!!! Doesn't that mean anything to my parents whatsoever?

I told my coach today. And I was crying. I mean I cried for almost 2 hours about it last night, but I cried in front of my coach, and my team. All the guys on team (minus austin) made me feel like PART of the team. Mitch Steele (Who I didn't actually think knew I existed) Was like "I missed you at practice today!!"

I felt so close with all the guys on team. They were all amazing. The thing is, I felt the NEED to work harder around the guys, because I was the ONLY GIRL!!! I had to prove that I was just as strong, and just as able to wrestle as they were. I had to prove my spot, and it hurts to think that I don't get to be part of that.

I'm sorry mom, but I lied to you because you would've said No from the beginning. We both know that. But now that it's over, I'm completely depressed. I felt normal. And not crazy. I felt sane for once in my life.

Wrestling became a mindset. Work hard. Think hard. Don't settle for less than you are type of thing. My body is a bruised and bumped and burned body, but it's also a body that can survive 6 minutes in the ring, and pin a heavyweight. Not that it matters anymore.

Wrestling. I love you. Thanks for being in my life when you were.

Orem High Wrestling boys. I love you guys individually. (Yes. Even Austin. Sometimes.) You guys made me feel safe, secure and strong. I love you guys!!!

JESUS FISH!!!!

No one understands my obsession. But then again, no one really understands me generally. So this is what I decided. I'm getting a jesus fish tatoo......suck it.

Horrible day. Terrible actually.

I love internalizing all the crap I have inside.

I'm FREAKING sore.

Today I'm Bruiser. Not to be confused with Browser from Mario (Is that how you spell it? hahaha)
I'm bruised from head to toe. Literally.

And I get to wake up at 5:30 tomorrow. Joy.

And he hates me.
And so does everyone else.
Remind me why I'm in high school?

In Journalism

So I'm in journalism, thinking about articles I want to write. And all I want to think about is what's wrong with Utah Valley. I'm so sick of living in a bubble. I was talking with a friend and the reason we're so "safe" here is because no one has the bravery to face to issue. We're one of the most depressed states in the country, and the 2nd highest birth rate among teenage girls. And for what? NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT!

On other stupid news....

I injured my shoulder.

I'm exhausted.

I want to punch Austin in the nuts.

Every muscle in my body hurts.

I can't focus (obviously)

I wanna watch a chick flick

I have to orchestrate a piece for orchestra (Away In a Manger)

Math homework makes me want to die.

I miss Suzanna.

I miss Nina.

I want a boyfriend.

I want somethings to be over.

I want sugar, but can't have any.

I need a hug.

I need grapes.

I need a certain someone to text me.

I need hell week to be over.

I wish I didn't take HealthScience.

My sternum is permanently bruised.

I've lost about 7 pounds in 3 weeks.

Still standing. Or crawling. Or breathing really.

Loneliness.

I used to feel perfectly fine with where I was at with friends in my life, but now I just feel sad. Like I'm never enough. Best friends forever? What happened to us? We make up, but never fully. All words, not actions. And trust me, it makes a difference. I just wish things would go back to normal. I just want to feel like I have a FRIEND. Like someone I can kind of lean on. Granted, I have lots of almost friends that I can laugh with at school, but when it comes down to it, I still have a sad loneliness in the pit of my heart, that could only be filled with a best friend. Why do things have to continually change? Why can't there be a constant? Why can't I freaking cry like a normal person?

Shoulder Injury.

I was walking down the stairs at school when I fell all the way down the stairs, and messed up my shoulder. The physical therapists at our school said I either extremely strained a muscle, or tore it a little. Great.

It's just not that simple...

I wish it were as simple as whispering "I love you" into your ear, and then you'd fall madly in love with me, and never want to leave my side.
I wish it were as simple, as going into a time machine, setting the date, changing the occurances, and never having to go through quiet suffering.
I wish it were as simple, as letting things go. Letting go of grudges, moving on in my life, and never having to remember anything.
I wish it were as simple, as saying I'm sorry, I was wrong. And you apologizing to, and going back, to whatever it was that we had, but now there's school, work, and a weird sense of everything else.
I wish it were as simple, as trusting in God. Truly believing that everything happened for a reason, and that sometimes, for whatever reason, bad things happen to good people, and that it's just the way it is.
I wish it were as simple as giving someone a hug, and taking all their pain and suffering far away from them.
Nothing is simple. Simplicity is bliss, but that's why we're here, because earth is a massive hellhole that we call home, until we die, and move onto another life, or simply just die.
There's nothing simple about being alive, and living through everything that we have thrown at us. I don't understand why things are the way that they are most of the time. Granted, I'm human.
But Suzanna has a boyfriend, and never has time for me anymore. Nina never answers my calls, or when she does, she's busy. She has her own life, I get that, but what happened to our weekends? Zac? Where did you go? Our friendship/relationship/whatever in the hell that we had was screwy and dysfunctional, bit it was a constant in my life. Jesse...We just don't know each other that well. Obviously we're in the "getting to know you stages" But we're both shy. Unless it has to do with music. WHAT IF I'M SICK OF MUSIC????!!!! Not that I am. But we have a language. It's something that only a piano can speak. Chopin, Mendelssohn, Beethoven, Debussy, it makes sense to us, but in a sense, it's like we have a language barrier. It's so much simpler if we could just play everything we had to say. Dommy? What happened? Best? friends. Right. I love Suzee, and it's easy to talk to her, but I know there's something she's containing that's bothering her, and I wish I could help.
Superman isn't real. Sorry to break someone's dreams. But there's no such thing as being invincible. What about heart break? What about death? Are we all immune to that now? Living a world of plastic surgery, and scandal? What about natural disasters, and unity? What is the price of peace? Is it the cost of a couple's only son fighting for our freedom, so later we can all worry about our prada bags?
There's so much wrong, but so much right. But for whatever reason, not a lot of change. There's nothing simple in our world. Between PETA destroying the name of animal right extremists that do it the right way (I'm sorry but the premise: You should be vegan because it better, sucks. There were no statistics that backed anything up. Poorly written article.) Hollywood degrading the worth of a woman (Bad girls club, Jersey shore....), Every other teenager getting knocked up and broadcasted (16 and pregnant, teen mom) What is there to believe?
Do we not have the intelligence to choose things for ourselves anymore? Is there no sense of our own personal battles, and destinies?
Our world just isn't that simple.

Hijacking, Part 2

This is a test of the Alex Judd awareness system. This test has failed.

So what?

So what if I make a checklist of characteristics that I want in a boyfriend? Doesn't that just make me look for them harder and try to find something better for myself? I know a lot about myself, and I don't believe that 2 polar opposites can EVER have a successful relationship.

So what if I want someone that's Smart? And Respectful? And funny? And attractive to me? And makes me happy? And makes me feel like I'm something better than I actually am? Isn't that the whole point of dating anyway? Hahahaha.

So Dear Boy(You know who you are)
I've found you. Almost. I know of you, and I know that we are almost closer than friends, but I want to be certain. So please, be patient with me. I had a BLAST on monday, and I'm excited to see what the future brings.

You're amazing.
A.

Food Poisoning, Irritation, And other crappy things that go on in my life as of this moment in time

Hijacking:

>:(

Hijacking over.

WESLEY LOVES ME! AND TYLER ELY IS MY HEROOOOOOOO. *

Thanks to my fabulously mature journalism friends...Well, that wasn't me for the record. (In reference to what's written above.

Well if you haven't figured it out. I have food poisoning. Thanks for nothing Betos.

I'm irritated because I'm at school when I feel like puking my guts out.

I'm pretty sure I have a fever.

I'm tired.

And I haven't talked to him at all in the last 24 hours. Unless you count early morning ARC.

Kill me. I feel like Death.

[insert cliche about love here]

Oh my heck!!!! So I love reading everyone's blogs but seriously.....is everything we blog about, about love?

Meeeh.

I'm in photo right now, I'm supposed to be doing something productive, but I really don't want to...at all.

I lied.

Just kidding. I love my blog too much. It's an unhealthy addiction. I wonder why I'm fat and single? Hahahaha. Seriously. I need to get a life. Hopefully today will bring something good along with it.

I dressed up as a witch. I have the CRAZIEST eyelashes Eva!!!!!!

Maaa Hurrrrrr

So basically because I have the curliest hair in the entire world, I decided I'm going to be Donna Summers for halloween....the disco queen!!!!! Gotta love the 80'S!!!! Man. Seriously, if I was my mom's age, I would have TOTALLY been HOTT and STELLA for the time. Seriously. My hair. Oddly enough, it still is awesome, just not as manageable, because glamour shots are a dying art.

Any way. DONNA SUMMERS!!!!!!





Saaave the laasst dance for meee!!!! (I can sing too!!! ^_^)



Or maybe I could be BLONDIE!!!!!


Or seriously my best Idea eva!!!!! M. Shadows!!!




Buuuh BYYYEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Sigh

My dearest followers,
My blog is lame. So I'm done blogging forever.

I thought we had changed.

But obviously we haven't. We still yell at each other like cats and dogs, and fight like we're in WWE. It's not fair. All I want is to have you in my life. As someone I can rely on, or someone I can trust. I realize all of our relationship was sex and drama based. But now I want something more. But it's too late.

Thanks Cooper

Mudvayne.

OH MY HELL!!!!! Dude. I seriously should have looked into them far earlier. I kind of like their earlier stuff A LOT more than I anticipated. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!! I am so incredibly excited. As a friend explained to me, they changed their music style with the different drugs they were using. If that's the case, I kind of like it when they were using meth....which is awful to say, but it's the truth.

Dear M. Shadows,

Dear M. Shadows.
Yes. I do realize that's your stage name. I do know your real name. I also know that I'm basically in love with you. If I had one dying wish, it would be to meet you. And Avenged Sevenfold. I don't know if I should be so obsessed with you guys, but you're music makes me feel human. And also amazing. So basically you're amazing.

I love you.

XOXO,
Alex.

It's not like it mattered anyway.

I have so much to do in school right now. What a nightmare. I have loads of make up....Sort of. I'm going to go through what I need to get done, that way, I can kind of have a plan for tomorrow.

A1-Math. Not much I can do there. I do all my homework, so I'm at the mercy of my test score.
A2-Orchestra. Easy A.
A3. AP Art. Here it comes: Andy Goldsworthy project, Collage, Finish Still life, First concentration, Finish reflections piece, Sketch the hell out of my sketch book.
A4. Photo- Journal, Filter assignment, 2 Principals of design. Mount. Grade. And I think that's it.

B1. Update the notes in my journalism notebook. Print off all my articles. Choose my best one.
B2. Good to go.
B3. Good to go.
B4. Vocabulary assignment.

So as you can see, I think I'm struggling keeping up in art class the most, because I have to be continually doing something.

Wesley. Thank you for giving me that paper on Friday, it just reminded me that God really does love me. And I'm sorry about the game last night. You played wonderfully, and I have the pictures to prove it.

As for now. That's basically it. Except for halloween.

What the hell am I going to be?!?!?!?!
Pirate? Sally? John Proctor? Zombie? Snookie? AHHHHH!!!!

Halloween Concert in orchestra.

Guess who has a job????

I HAVE A JOB!!!! OH MY HELL!!!!!

HAHAHAH!!!!! Love. Doesn't. Really. Exist.

Is there such a thing called love without shame? Why is it that I can spend one night with you completely trusting you, and falling for you, and the next thing I know, I can't get you to freaking talk to me. You're right. I'm not worth it.

Ode to Tyler Ely (:

This is my Ode to Tyler,

You drive me insane,

When you make me break trees,

You make feel sad,

When you hack my blog,

You make embarrassed when you do things unnecessary,

But I still know,

Something you don't.

So Ha.

A7X DT

Maybe Mike Portnoy leaving DT isn't a bad thing. A7X sounds pretty sweet right now. Their new album is pretty cool. I just miss The Rev. And I miss Dream Theater. Their still releasing an album come January, but it's not the same. I guess I'll have to check it out.

Letter.

Dear Coheed and Cambria.

Thank you for creating music that makes me feel happy, even when I don't want to be. It's relatable, even though it follows a story line, it really embodies human emotion. And The Year of the Black Rainbow is fabulous!!!! It's definitely one of your softer albums, but watching you perform it live, has changed my life forever.

I love you forever.

Alex.

Trying to Figure out Where to FaLL.

I've been listening to A Fine Frenzy (I love them PS) it's been helping me.

Zac makes me feel happy when I'm with him. I don't need to be anything I'm not. I don't need to pretend to like things I hate, or hate things that I love.

Nina. I know we've basically made up. And I love you so much it's not even funny. But I wish we wouldn't of had to make up. At all. If it were up to me, we'd be in your room RIGHT NOW, and I'd be laughing until I cried. Because that's what we do. Nina. I love you so much. I don't ever want you to go to bed sad, but lately you haven't called.....due to the fact that you're insanely busy...but still. hahaha. I love you.

You were all that we needed,
To believe in our doubt,
The hurt we allowed.
We had sworn to believe them,
And scattered our memories found.

In all we are,
Are truly afraid,
In all we are,
The one thing we can be,
In all we are,
We are truly afraid,
Wishing one day,
We could be strong.

It's over,
It's over,
It's all coming apart,
While you were sleeping,
We were stealing your heart.
-Coheed and Cambria. Black Rainbow. Year of the Black Rainbow.

(:

Today was a day full of ups and downs. But the last hour was definitely an up.

We went to the park together. And he kissed me.

It wasn't needy.
It wasn't forced.

It was soft. And warm.

We talked today. And he told me he'd never push me, because there wasn't a need.
Maybe he'll take care of me. Just maybe.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Me and Nina made up today. And I have to say. I feel so much better. I still hurt a little from the confusion. But we're happy. Almost. And we're friends for the most part. We still need to see each other. It's one thing to say it's okay, it's another to know it's okay.

Today.
Was.
Okay.
I.
Wasn't.
Too.
Sad.

"What is a religious good? A jesus pie......?" -Katie Swain

JOB!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!!! You're never going to believe what happened to me this weekend!!!! So there I was in the mall looking for job applications when BAM!!! I went to Claire's. I was OFFERED AN INTERVIEW ON THE SPOT!!!!! I filled out the application speedy quick, and ran it back TO THE MANAGER!!!! Seriously, I'm praying for this......I need a job soooo incredibly bad. I'm more than willing to work until my fingers bleed every single night. (:

Fat. Chunky. Gross.

One size DOES NOT fit all.

SLC!!!!

I'm going to Salt lake to have a sleepover with my older sister !!!!

Later Bloggers!!!

Dysmorphia

Not a good body week for alex.
So here is what I'm going to do:
Eat 1 tick tack a day.
Exercise until I pass out everyday.

.........

And now for reality.

Eat HEALTHY. Yes Body. That means you can't crave chocolate. Crave celery instead.

Exercise a little more regularly. I go on lots of exercising tangents, but it never lasts. So I need something that stays!!!

Crunches and Bum ups before bed. Not a ridiculous number. Just a couple.

Sleep a full 8 hours EVERY night. It's scientifically proven. Those who sleep more regularly, have healthier bodies.

Stop bored and depressed eating. 'Nough said.

I'm scared of getting fat. Just like every other girl in the entire world. But the thing is, I've gained weight already this year. AHHHH. Time to whip my ass into shape!!!!




(Me in about 3 months!!!)

100 Posts about My life...

So this is my 1ooth post, which for me is quite the accomplishment. I often stop doing something right as I start to get good at it (piano, violin, journal writing, reading, art....) And so I've found my blog as a good outlet. So today I'm going to do something very different. I'm going to talk about what's wonderful about my life, and why I'm so happy I got to wake up this morning!!! (:

1. My mommy. Even though she had a hard day, and she was tired, and had meetings, she let me take the car to go do Kayley's make up, even though she didn't really want me to. She genuinely loves me, even when I'm the biggest moron/loser/stupid/rude/grumpy person in the entire world. She kisses me good night every night of my life...even though I'm 16. Call me lame, but it's still one of my favorite things when she comes into my room, and "tucks me in" for bed. She's forgiving when I do wrong, helpful when I'm sad (and basically every other time...including my concentration ideas for art), she's resourceful, she's so funny, so so so so so so funny actually, and what matters the most to me. She loves me no matter what I do, or how I act, or how I'm feeling. She wants the best for me, and she makes me feel loved every day of my life. I love you mom!!

2. Daddy. I don't really know how to describe the love my daddy has for me. He seriously is the MOST giving person in the entire world. I don't know any dad in their sane mind that would work from 6 in the morning until 9 at night, so that his family can live happily and comfortably, and never complain about it, except for admitting that he comes home tired, and hungry. My dad is the best morning person in the entire world. He survives on a glass of OJ every morning, and whenever I go shopping, I buy him his special juice. AKA florida's natural. He's so willing to take me wherever I need to go, stay up with me to work on my homework (even when he feels he's going to pass out from exhaustion), listen to my blabbish stories that if I were him, would seem like they take for FREAKING ever. And he's been taking me to school recently. I like having 5 minutes with daddy. It's fun. I love you dad. Thanks for all you do.

3. My sisters. Sophie. I don't know why she puts up with me. I'm the moody mean older sister, but now that we're so close to the same age, she's becoming so fun to HANG OUT with. I drive everywhere with her. Because she's so funny. And she keeps me happy. Sophie is like my little antidepressant. She makes me smile at least 40 times a day, and even though sometimes I know she's in pain, or she's unhappy because people are douche bags to her in school, she still manages a good attitude, and says "HI ALEX!!!" everytime I come home. And I've loved walking with her home from school. I'll call her, and she'll walk with me home. She's my baby sis. I love her!!!
SARA!!! After she moved away, we got along better, but we still argued, because I felt like we were so different. She has a very strong alpha personality like me, and sometimes we bash heads, or I want to slip into the background, because she feels like the most incredible person in the world. But now that we're closer to the same maturity level, sorta, we get along better, and I feel like we're SISTERS!!! We have this fabulous pact, that I can say has contributed to us becoming closer. She's so helpful, and always compliments me, even when I look like POO!!!! Hahaha. She's funny, and I love seeing her happy with Kendrick!!! I love you Sara.

4. PJ. I don't know if I'll ever understand our relationship fully. He's kind of like one of my major role models. He's so smart. And loves talking to me about things that make me feel smart, because I can keep up a conversation. He makes me feel beautiful, because it doesn't matter if I'm just Alex, because that's enough. We weren't as close this summer, which sort of broke my heart, because I was so happy, and he wasn't as happy. But I felt like we couldn't talk about it, which bothered me, because even though I'm younger than him I understand sometimes life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It's hard work, and frankly, sometimes it kicks your ass. But the turning point was when I was crying because I was so mad. I was mad at my mom because she said something that had seriously upset me. And he was home from work, and popped in to say hi, and hugged me. I think that was our first REAL hug in months. Maybe even years. He let me cry on his shoulder. And it's not supposed to be creepy, because that wasn't his intentions, or mine. He was just being a fabulous older brother. And he's always willing to remind me that he'll destroy anyone that tries to hurt me. I have the best older brother in the entire universe. I love you PJ.

5. Brother Heaston. What a special bond we have. We met thanks to dream theater, and he has been one of the best people to talk to ever. It's easy. He's my surrogate uncle, but I get along with him fabulously. He offers the best advice, and reminds me that I'm loved not only by my family and friends, but by God. Thanks Bro Heaston!!!

6. Mr. Clinton. Is. The. Coolest. Teacher. Ever. He's so nice to me, and talks to me in the halls. He drinks coffee, and is kind of crazy, but I love it. I love his insanity. He's so supportive of everything that we do. He's wise as well. He knows what to say, and when to say it. He's funny, but knows when to be serious. He's great. Mr. Clinton....you rock!!!!

7. Zach. What a funny guy. He's been really cool to talk to and hang out with. I still have a lot to learn to get to know him, but so far, he's pretty awesome. It's always fun. Well. The 2 times we have hung out...and he's been a really good friend. I hope it stays that way.

8. God. It's been a hard month. Emotional, numb. It's been kinda crappy. But when it comes down to it, God wraps His arms around me, and lifts me, giving me the will to move forward. He's carried me through some of the hard parts. And I'm sure there will be more to come. But I thank God that I know about the bible. And that I can pray whenever I want. God is my Father.

9. Molly and Shady, when I need a good laugh, or a good cry, there are not 2 better dogs you could ask for. Their high energy, but they both love a good belly rub. Molly has become a major love in my heart. She's such a sweetheart. And Shady has been mellowing out a bit. And loves to just sit and be pet. I love you doggies!!!

10. Nina and Dommy. Nina. I know I've been rude and distant lately. But I still love you. And the little things don't go unnoticed. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. But it's going to get better. And Dom. Whenever I feel like I have no one, I always have someone. I have you. And that means so much to me. You were crazy cramming for your test yesterday, and you still talked to me while I walking in the dark to my truck. It meant a lot. I love you Nina. And I love you Dom.

11. Suz. Suzanna has been one of my closest friends since we were basically toddlers. She understands how I tick, and knows how to make me smile. I want life to be sweeter for her, and for her to be GENUINELY happy. I love her so much.

12. Wes. You know what you do for me dude. Whenever I feel poopy, scriptural help makes me feel better. And he knows every scripture basically ever. He's a fabulous friend, and ya. Love you!

13. Suze Goodman. My closest friend at school. When I feel like I have no one, you're always there for me. It means a lot to me that we're more than just friends that love writing and art. We have a real relationship. And it means so much to me. Suze I love you.

14. I didn't forget all my other friends, I just am too lazy to write all of you guys. You make my days bright and happy. I love each and every one of you.

Life can be sweet like a cupcake, when you look towards the happiness that life has to offer. (:

~Xela.

I'm not going to be....

I'm going to be like this guy. Strong.

I'm not going to be scared.

I'm not going to cry.

I'm not going to yell.

I'm not going to get frustrated.

I'm not going to let him get to me.

I'm not going to let him hurt me.

I'm not going to feel scared.

I'm going to be fine.

Insert Title About Hair Here.

my hair used to be SOOOOOO curly. And now it's kinda curly, but mostly wavy. It's super disappointing, because now that I understand how my hair works, I don't even get to use it to my advantage. So I have come up with a plan to make it regain curl structure again.
1. Buy shampoo and Conditioner especially made for curlyheads.
2. Never straighten my hair again.....Or straighten my hair less.....
3. Condition my hair like every day of my life.
4. Give up. It's useless.

Hahahaha. Sad day. Oh well.

Question Of The Day.

What is my favorite food? Why? What food will I never eat? Why?

I'm not craving anything right now, so it's hard to decide what my favorite food is. I think my favorite food is anything and everything relating to the bread group. Especially cereal. Mmmm. It's so simply, but SIMPLY DELICIOUS!!!
I will never eat carrots. Ever. They are the most vile things in the entire world. I don't like them because they have a very strong flavor. Ick.

Question of the Day.

Here's today's question from my jar of thought:
What is your favorite TV program? Why? What is your least favorite TV program? Why?

This is so easy.
Tyra Show without a doubt is my favorite show in the entire world. Tyra is my personal inspiration, because she's promoting and proving what I've always believed. Everyone has their own kind of beautiful. There is no such thing as not being beautiful in your own way. She's giving, and she's successful. She reminds me of where I want to go, and who I want to be. I love you Tyra Banks. You are my personal role model, and I love you.

Bad Girls' Club makes me want to punch holes in my wall. It casts such a negative light on women in general. Believe it or not, not all girls go to clubs, get wasted, beat each other up with heels, have sex with strangers, and have bi-sexual tendencies. (I have nothing against bi-sexuals, however, I am against straight women that fool around to get attention, and set a bad name for the gay and bi-sexual community.) It worries me that it's becoming an image of the ideal woman. Easy. I refuse to ever become that way.

Question of the Day.

In young women's we got these question jars of things we should answer on a daily basis.

So here's today's question:
What qualities and talents will help you to be a good wife? A good mother?

Well, I am a very loving and affectionate person. When I fall in love, I typically stay in love, which is why breakups for me right now have been so painful. I think I would be an excellent wife because I'm very loving. And fun. But I'm real. When I'm sad, I let you know. When you're bothering me, I tell you that I need a breather. I also am an excellent cook. I possess cooking magic, and even when I burn something, or over blend a smoothie, it's still yummy, or at least I think so. I'm honest. Honesty is a big part of what would make up a marriage IMO. I'm very cuddly...nough said. But when I think about it, I think what would make me a good wife is that I fall in love completely. And I have a strong emotion quota. So it takes a lot for me to lose it. (:

As far as a mother goes. I'm very nurturing. If you know me well, I basically swoon over every baby I see. I'm very loving. I don't want any child to hurt. Ever. I have a very patient personality. It takes a lot to make me snap. But most of all, I would love my child for who they were. Whether they have a disability, a different sexual preference, a mental illness, or stubborn personality. I would love them and accept them for who they are.

Always There.

Sometimes, even when I feel like crap. He's there for me. He may live 500 miles away. And we may not always get along. But when push comes to shove, he's a pretty great person. Sometimes I remember what I love about him, and it makes me feel sad, but he's always there for me. And because he knows me better, than I sometimes know myself, he's a fabulous friend.

So Cooper.

Thank you for talking with me tonight.
I love you!!!

I hope everything works out for you and Danielle.

Smog Of Yesterday.

Our memories blend,
Some good,
Others bad,
But always love.

I never understood,
What it meant,
To fall,
And stay,
So in love.
Until I met you.

And now we're broken,
There's no more us,
Just the broken pieces,
Of whatever is left.

And yet,
Talking with you,
Is so easy,
Like smiling,
So natural,
Like breathing.

We're done.
We're over.
There's no more us.
But I still,
Will always love you.
I'm holding on,
To whatever is left,
The Smog of Yesterday.

Is It She? Is it Me?

I wonder,
Who he imagines,
When he talks to me.
Or thinks of me.

She's probably,
The girl,
Who listens,
To Dream Theater,
And Tool,
Avenge Sevenfold,
Mudvayne,
Songs that,
Aren't normal,
For a girl,
To like.

She's probably,
The girl,
With big,
Blue eyes,
Crazy Curly,
Brown hair,
Freckles that.
Dot her nose.


She's probably,
The girl,
That knows,
Who she is,
What she,
Truly believes,
Is never,
Afraid,
To show,
Her colors.

She's probably,
The girl,
That smiles,
With radiance,
In most,
Profile Picture,
And tries,
To make.
Others laugh,
When she's,
Not.

I'm the,
Girl who,
Is lost,
But he'll,
Never know,
Because I'll act,
Like I'm,
Totally fine.
Even when.
I know.
That I'm,
Dying inside.

I'm the,
Girl with,
Scars on,
My skin,
Slices of hate,
But he'll,
Never know.
Because I'll,
Send him,
A smiley.

I'm the,
Girl who,
Hides Behind,
A computer screen,
Being honest,
But hiding,
Who I,
Really am.

R.I.P Burt.

My friend died last night. Hopefully peacefully in his sleep. Wow. I can't even keep a fish alive for 24 hours. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN????? It's not fair. I just want a friend. And they all either disappear or quite literally die.

Whatever. I don't need friends. They're overrated anyway.

Poem I wrote about my irritation towards scripture carriers.

I see them everywhere I go,
Like a constant reminder,
They carry them form class to class,
And never question what's inside.

Thin delicate pages,
Almost always silver or gold,
Securely set in a jacket of leather,
Name etched in the corner.

Those words that seem to mix and mesh,
Losing their true meaning,
Blending together without a thought,
Of how they've been twisted and changed.

Was the first one not enough?
Not "True" enough by standard?
But what standard are the speaking of.
Are they somehow higher?

They sit there and taunt me,
Remind me that I'm different,
What is this thing that I detest?
Why it's someone's scriptures.

Sorry it's been so long

I have a lot of updates. But I finally have a comp. I'll update you guys!!!

Love you!!!!!!

And now presenting.....

My first DIGITAL PAINTING!!!!

If you look closely, it says safe.

S.C.H.O.O.L.

I like this dress.....I wanna go to homecoming. SO bad.

Well I figured I might as well blog to my fellow followers about.....SCHOOL!!!!!

I will break it down into categories, so it's easy to understand for ya'll.

Outfit: (Yes, this in fact was a large part of my stress.)
Can I just say that I felt so beautiful today? I think a large part of it, has to do with the fact that I've tried to wear less make up this summer, if I wear any, it's just mascara. And now that I'm wearing my usual full face, I feel gorgeous, but what's more important to me, is that I feel just as pretty when I'm completely make-upless.
Anyways....
My outfit consisted of the following items.
1. Snake Skin Fabriced (It looks cool, not tacky.) Long flowy, non pleather, shirt that I love.
2. Black half sleeved Cardi. Which I LOOVED.
3. My dark washed Jeggings. Nuff said.
4. Peep toed black leather flats. They have flowers on the side that are also black leather flowers. They're edgy, but still sophisticated.
5. MY FREAKING AMAZING PURSE!!!!!!!!!!! .......with grommits (;
Good clothing Day (:

(Basically what I wore. Minus the purple blazer...but I'm going to be getting that!!!!!)

First 3 Class Periods (:
1. I started the day with math. Hooray. My mom calls my math teacher Mr. Fahtiah.......it's a lebanese dish evidently. His name is actually Mr. Wytiaz. He's basically the coolest math teacher. He's super sarcastic....but not the lame kind, where it's just rude. It's like the classic hysterical kind of sarcasm. The first thing he tells us is that if we don't get A's in his class, He's not going to add us on facebook. WTH!?!?!?! (Note: I would usually say wtf, but my mom insisted that it's inappropriate, and that some freaky cyber stalking bully {I.E. her...} wouldn't appreciate it. (: Love ya meeerm. Hahahaha. Anyways. We got our 30 LBS. textbooks, and I decided that textbooks are RETARDED!!!! And then I left class....cause it was over...

2. ORCHESTRA. There's lots of little sophys in there. Which is lame, because last year it was all juniors and seniors, but I guess I've moved up in the rankings, so they're in that same lame stage I was last year. But anyway. We had an AA meeting. It was sort of funny.
Example: This is exactly what I said, because I had been planning it in my head the entire time...no joke.
"Hi. I'm Alex." "(Everybody) HI ALEX!!!!" "It's been three days since my last....that's not appropriate. Just kidding. No. My name is Alex. I'm a junior. And I play violin. In case my seating didn't give that away. If I had a personality color it would be blue with bright yellow polka dots. My favorite thing I did this summer was a 2 way tie between going to montana and going to arizona. Orchestra is the best. basically. but ya. Okay." Hahaha. I'm so lame. Aren't I so cool??? I'm the cool whitey on the block (Hahaha Dommy (: ) And then I talked to my random friends until the bell rang.

Then I walked four big steps....or 11....to my art class (It's just around the corner from orchestra...literally. It's an art hall (;

Anywhoo.

3. AP art....I am so excited for art. If you know me, which most of you do, you know that I am ridiculously into the arts. I love everything about art and music. But art as of the moment. I sketch all the time, because I want to get better.....(or not....)
But I think what I'm looking forward to is to establish my own style. I sort of do right now, but it's easy to manipulate, because I don't have much technical training. But I'm hoping this year will give me that opportunity. (:

Then lunch.

What up with the lunch room? There were like 3 tables. And with there being over 1,000 kids, what were they thinking? So my friends and I ate in the freaking sun. Because it was available. I think I got partially baked, and that's why I keep rambling... Wesley made fun of me as I ate my daily carrot ( Note: I hate carrots. SO much. But I'm convinced that someday I'm going to decide that I love them, and realize that I've missed out on a big aspect of the vegetable world. So I try one every day to see if I like it yet....I never do. And I did that EVERYDAY last year.)
I'm dropping milk at lunch and drinking water instead to see if it helps my system to be a little more hydrated. I think it might help me stay a little more energized if that's possible? Maybe make my pee the correct green color that it's supposed to be?

Hahahaha.

Anyway.

Last period of the day........


CERAMICS!!!!!
Yes. Seriously another art class. I don't know how my schedule happened that way, but it did!! My teacher is so...Unique. She's so theatrical in the way that she speaks. It makes it so fun to listen to her. Because it's similar to listening to an opera. Haha. But today I became familiar with the room, looked in the kiln, (and imagined myself getting trapped in there and getting really...REEALLY hot.) That wouldn't be fun. But I took that class for concurrent enrollment credit. And. It's. Not. A. Concurrent. Enrollment. Class.

Oh well. It should be fun anyway.

Then I stayed after and talked to MR. CLINTON. (I use caps a lot PS) He's basically my favorite teacher. That I've ever had. It's interesting how I can become so close to a teacher in just a year. It's strange because it was just fun to talk to him about silly things like fishing, and school, and teachers, and dances, and boys, and his family, and his football past. (It's pretty impressive) He just really loves to teach, and I think that it's really cool that he WANTS to. He's not there for the money. He's there for the enjoyment of teaching.

(There's me!!!)

Then I came home and crashed on the Lay Z Boy. Turned on Tyra.. ANDD........My power went out. Great. I called both of my parents panicked, and then my neighbors called. Theirs was out too. And then I called Dom. And complained about how my power was out, and how I didn't want to go to school, and how much I wanted my Tyra. X_X

An hour later, it was turned back on, and I had completely missed Tyra. Thanks a lot power guys. You're awesome.....

So I crashed on my parents bed. Pretending to read a book. I wanted Sophie not to...bug me. Hahaha. So I fell asleep with my Ugly Doll under my arm (That I love Nina BTW) (It isn't named yet either....I'm thinking about george........or fredric...........alejandro? Fernando? Roberto? Naaah. He's not mexican silly. He's american!!!!!)

Then I woke up, and talked to my parents about school, ate hamburgers for dinner, that were yummy, made cookies with grommits in them, because they're so in right now, and now I'm blogging.

Pretty good first day.

Love you guys!!!!



PS. You can't get rid of me that fast silly!!!! I think ugly doll might be named grommit.

(It's my Baby!!!!!!)